I don't understand what's going on in his head.

Married 2 1/2 years, him 24, me 21. I know this is long but please read and respond if you have the time. We are agnostic so no religious comments please. Many issues have arisen, he was the love of my life and I know the person I fell in love with is still there and I he comes out sometimes, but for the most part he's a totally different person. We married after only 8 months together, he was military, living in another country and it was the only way for us to be physically together. He was the perfect gentleman to me, maybe not by everyone's standards but he made me very happy and I never had a doubt I loved him. He was the one. First problem arose was on me, I have trouble expressing my feelings and I generally don't want to talk when I'm upset (for fear of saying something stupid and unintentionally hurting or because I don't want him to know my pain.) I have several problems from my past that I am working through and trying to be better with this. It makes him very angry when I don't tell him what is wrong, he think's I don't trust him or I'm crying to hurt him, and that's not true at all. He yells at me and then won't talk to me for days, and then blames me for the silence when I try to talk to him immediately after settling down. Second big problem, we had chosen where to live when he got out of the service and he changed his mind because he wanted to be close to his family because he wanted to try to have a relationship with them. (I do love his family, but they will never give him the love and adoration he expects, they are nice, friendly, considerate, but very offish and not able to get close to). He never took our plans or myself into consideration, I had no say. After moving back his family did not live up to his expectations, which after knowing them I knew they wouldn't give him what he wanted, and he wanted to move after a few months. I barely got to be with my husband ever. He was deployed for 7 out of the 8 months we dated and I only had email and IM contact, and two phone calls, we only spent 6 days together physically, CRAZY I KNOW, but I loved him (and I wasn't the type to fall in love, never actually loved a man before, never really dated either). After getting married I visited him for 3 weeks, it was amazing, we were apart for almost another 3 months before I was able to move/live with him. A major even occurred after a week of living in the new country and he had to be at work for up to 16 hrs a day for about a month. He went back to a normal schedule for 2 weeks and then he had a family crisis and went back home for 2 weeks( I stayed because I was told he didn't need me and it was going to break the bank for me to travel along). I did talk to him everyday as I missed him terribly. He came back for only a month before he was deployed for 3 months, back for 2 weeks and deployed for another 3 months where I only had email contact. Having so much distance between us had made me want to be with him as much as possible when he is home and it makes him angry, and it makes me angry when he wants to watch a tv show for hours a day and ignore me and then refuse to do anything with me. I go (where is the person that missed me so much). I really think he has some issues based off of his health problems and his job. When he was deployed he started having panic attacks and I thought he was in serious danger so I contacted my doctor as they were not giving him anything and they were making him work 16 hrs a day and weren't letting him eat ( he dropped over 20 lbs and he was already thin). My doctor wrote a nasty letter to the ship he was on and my H got really angry at me because they were transferring him to another ship that had meds to take care of him. I tried emailing the ship and apologizing for anything negative written I just wanted my H to be safe. I tried getting a-hold of his command and his one coworker said he would talk to me about it and try to talk to his boss. We were supposed to go get food after he was done work, but he didn't call and I was busy getting my husbands birthday present ( a boxing stand and bag, which I had to pull on a cart for a mile because we had no car and they wouldn't deliver). So finally later in the day I called him to talk because he was leaving an d there would be no one to get ahold of from my H's command. He said he forgot about calling me and invited me over if I still needed to talk. I went over there and talked about what was going on, he reassured me it would be okay, and we say watching a movie, at the end of the movie I checked the time and realized I had missed my train and I didn't have any money on me only a train pass. He said I could stay on his couch, so I sat there and he went to bed. I fell asleep waiting for the early train and woke up at 5 am, ran to the train and went to my doctors appt at 7 to get meds because I was horribly depressed and suicidal, and then went home. My husband got online and I talked to him told him where I was the night before and said I was trying to fix everything I was sorry for getting him transferred. He seemed a bit wary of it told me he wasn't really comfortable with me hanging out with the guy cuz he's sneaky. I told him the guy had nothing but nice things to say about m y H, but he was a bit weird and I wouldn't hang out/talk to him if it made my H uncomfortable. My H finally came home from deployment and everything was great for a few days, then he blew up over me going over to the guy's place. I didn't think about it at the time, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it , he knew the guy and before hand he had told me to go to the guy if I needed anything. I didn't know my H was uncomfortable with me going over to his place till afterwards. He told me I must have cheated, that I went over there to have sex with him and get drunk, that's the only reason I would've gone over there. One, I was trying to help my H, and 2, he said I should've talked to someone else and I had no one there I didn't know anyone besides his coworkers and they were all deployed except the one. I don't understand how he could ever think I would cheat on him, I am attractive and men do hit on me but I always tell them thanks but I'm married. I am always there for my H, I used to get up and make him lunch, go to the gym with him on PT days, I always went out of my way to do whatever I could if he needed something or wanted something. I loved him so much and it hurt so badly when he kept accusing me of cheating. He almost divorced me because of it, because he didn't believe me, he said I cheated just by going there. He had his friends come over and spend the night with me when he was gone and they were home and it was fine, and I understand that he didn't trust the guy but I didn't know this till afterwards, I had no clue it would turn into something so huge. I wanted to end myself over it because he was going to leave me and I didn't do what he was going to leave me for. I gave up everything to be with him and he thought I would do that? I really don't understand it, if he had gone over in the same instance with a woman or even if he was friends with a woman I would not think he cheated on me. So I thought we had finally moved past things, we were back together and looking to move, we actually drove across country to Cali where we originally intended to move and we were apartment hunting. One night we were in the shower having a spit war, which he started, and I accidentally spit in his eye cuz he turned fast and I have bad aim.. He got really angry and shoved me against the wall by my neck, raised his fist, and then instead of hitting me he opened his fist and grabbed my face and screamed and spit on me. He said I did it on purpose. I went out and got food for us which I messed up too, "I did that on purpose", I didn't know he would eat the tacos because they had guacamole I figured he would just scrape it off, but he wouldn't he got really angry and refused to talk to me. I finally fell asleep, only to be awaken a few hours later by my husband throwing something or kicking me and spitting on me, telling me I'm a ***** and he's leaving. I was so distraught and ups et that I just couldn't take it anymore, I went to the bathroom and tried to end it, I grabbed a knife that wasn't sharp enough to do anything and then I just tried hanging myself. I didn't want to live without him he was my life. He came in to find me half passed out on the floor, and dragged me to the couch, where I sat for hours with him yelling at me. He said he went through my email when I was asleep and found proof I cheated on him, and I had no clue what he was talking about, I never touched another man since we'd been together. He found emails from before we were married between me and a modeling agency. I clicked an ad on craigslist looking for models in the area, and woman had responded. She said I had a great look and wanted to set me up with an interview, but they wanted someone who was going to be there for a year, I told her my plans to move to be with my Man, and they apparently had ownership of another firm in the other country, said they would send my info over. They did, the other company was very interested, wanted to get some more photos as I only had candid phone camera shots. They set up an interview to meet with one of the owners of the agency at a studio several hours away. I got notice later that the owner was coming closer to the area to work on a house as he was selling, and could only meet me after working on the house. They wanted me to meet him in the lobby or dining area of the hotel in town as he was going to stay there, and they were going to book me a room so I didn't have to drive home so late. I was so excited, they said they were going to send me to work and live near my Man, and I was going to review the contract. They told me I could have a lawyer look it over before I signed it if I wanted. I went to the hotel and the owner called me and told me he had already went to his room because it was late but I could meet him there for a few. So I went up to the room, where I met a much older man, around 60yrs old. He sat at the desk and I sat on the couch while we discussed the contract and job, and my reasoning for moving (my Man). He said how beautiful I was, and how much he wanted to help me out said he would pay for me to go to college over there and pay for my H and I to have a nice place while I worked with the agency. I thought wow that's awesome!(3 days 19 and very naive) He came over to the couch and proceeded to try and touch me, he grabbed me and I kept pushing him away telling him no. He said you don't get anything for free and I told him I didn't want it, I just wanted to be with my Man I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, I just wanted to contract because they were going to send me over, nothing else. He proceeded to tell me I was stupid and I didn't know what love was. I explained to him exactly what I felt, which was that I couldn't live with out my man, that he was a part of me, he was everything I wanted, he made me so happy. I have no clue what happened all I get is a flashback of him exposing himself and trying to assault me, I was laying there crying and I tried pushing him off my back and he finally just stopped and it was over. He went away. He wrote to me later how sorry he was that he put me in an awkward situation and that he would stay away from me, he would do his best to get me with the other agency so I could be with my Ma n. He said he wasn't a bad man he just couldn't control himself. I felt sick about it. I felt like I did something wrong, like it was my fault. I was so upset. I didn't want to live, I wrote back to this guy telling him how much what he did hurt me and how I just wanted to die because all I wanted was to be with my Man and he wasn't going to want me anymore. The guy told me to stop thinking horrible thoughts and he would make everything right. I didn't contact him again until the other agency that was supposed to be sending me to live near my Man said that they were sent someone else and they weren't going to hire me. I was so pissed. I wanted to kill the man that assaulted me, he said everything was going to be fine and not to worry. Then he took everything away because I wouldn't sleep with him. I had fantasies of going and chopping off his ****, and that fantasy almost came true. I contacted the guy telling him how angry I was. Then I told him I would do anything trying to get him to come back ( I was told he lived in Florida). I couldn't do it though, I was too afraid to go near him so I stopped contact. I tried moving on and just forgetting what happened. I was asked about it by my husband because I told him that an agency was interested in me and I was going to see them and go over the contract. And I couldn't bare to tell him what happened, I finally came to terms that it wasn't my fault that they guy did what he did. I felt so sick because I thought I could've prevented it and I was so dumb, I was going to bring my mom along and then I didn't want to bother her so I went alone and if I hadn't gone alone or if I hadn't of been so stupid to think it was real, if I just thought, that it wouldn't have happened. My Husband says I cheated, and it kills me, I know it was wrong not to tell him what happened but I didn't want him to look at me and think I was damaged, or hate me because I was so stupid. I was 19 and I wanted to live my life with him, and I made a stupid choice, I mean I could've been murdered or something I had no clue. This sick old man touched me and now I'm losing everything. I just wanted it to go away. My husband isn't perfect but I love him so much. I even found out that he had a woman watch us having sex on skype (had it running in the back ground) and I didn't really care. I found messages between him and some woman he met in port, asking her to naked skype him and I was upset but it didn't impact how much I love him. He told me he never did anything with them He keeps telling me how horrible I am and I don't know what to do. I'm not horrible I love him . I've tried so hard to make him happy and I've been through so much with him. I waited in another country with no one I knew just sitting in our apartment waiting on the one email I got a day from him and it killed me I missed him so much everyday. He just sits there now and every chance he gets he blames me for something and tells me how much of a POS I am and that I hurt him and ruined him. I keep going over it in my head and it's driving me insane it hurts so much. I feel like everything is over. We've been separated for two months now and we've seen each other a few times, he says he just wants sex from me. I am just happy to see him and then he tells me he loves me and wants to make it work, then he goes home and begins blaming me and telling me how much of a POS I am and how evil I am. It makes me want to die. I don't want to wake up anymore. Everyone tells me not to let him treat me that way. Not to listen to his constant belittling of me that I deserve better. There isn't anyone else for me though. I wish so badly that he could see the truth, he never does though he always sees me as being bad no matter what I do. His aunt ruined our wedding and screamed at me and our guests and he's blaming me telling me it was my fault. He's telling me everything is my fault. I don't understand how he can think these things and hate me so much. I don't know how to give up because I know the person he was and he wasn't like this. He was so wonderful when we were dating and a few months after we married and now he hates me. He told his cousin he wanted to see other people and that he felt like punching me in the face 90% of the time and he'd felt that way for a year, and that was less than two years into our marriage when he wrote that. He hadn't wanted me since a few months after I moved to be with him, after I went through all the stupid hoops in the military so I could be with him for the little time that I was able to, he didn't want me. What am I supposed to do? How can I do anything?

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