I've been married for 19 years, 4 children ages; 23, 18, 17, and 9. February 23, 2015 I will complete my BA Health Administration degree. I am currently on disability because I recently had knee surgery and am going through Physical Therapy (PT). I am employed with a rehabilitation center for brain injured adults.
My marriage has not been good for the past several years. My husband doesn't sleep in the same room as me. We have discussed our relationship but come to no agreement as to how to fix it. I feel we need love and affection. He feels we need a hobby together. My husband has a history of drinking and has been doing really well not drinking for the past several months. I have built up a lot of anger towards my husband because of the way he treated me when he has gotten drunk. The last time he drank, was approximately 5 months ago and I ended up just ignoring the loud music and avoiding an argument. Over the years, I came to realize the routine of his actions when he does drink and gets drunk. I have learned to "try" to avoid him when he is in this state of mind. When he did get drunk, the routine was always the same and the next day, he always made it seem as though I was the reason he drank in the first place. I know this is him blame shifting so he doesn't have to take responsi bility for his actions, but I am so tired of dealing with that. He rarely apologized and when he did it was just "sorry about last night, I went overboard". When I try to discuss his drinking and actions, he just tells me the same thing that he won't do it again. I have stayed with him for almost 19 years and have built up so much anger and resentment. When I try to tell him how all his past actions have hurt me, he gets defensive and we argue.
I don't spend time with him and I feel bad for it all the time. We basically live in the same house as roommates. I'm constantly in my bedroom watching TV or doing homework on my laptop. He is constantly on his computer in the other room. When he does come in to tell me something about the news or government issues (which I do not follow), I feel as though I have to fake being interested. I don't like faking my feelings. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to him.
There is no romance, and I really miss the love and affection. I wish we could just cuddle together.
We also have money problems that add to our arguing.
My husband used to run his own electrical business several years ago, but with the economy he only does odd jobs for neighbors "maybe" 5 or 6 times a year. The only income we have is my disability.
He does not have a high school diploma and "I feel" he uses this as an excuse to not get a job. But then when we fight (during times when he is drunk), he will say "he's leaving me, going to find someone else, move down the hill to his moms or brothers, get a job, start over, and then he can just worry about himself". I have never understood how he could easily say those things, move to his moms or brothers and get a job when he can't get a job now and take care of his family. I feel he is very lazy and doesn't want to work. He is constantly saying when I finish my schooling, I can get a good job, make good money, and then he can start working on building a business and bringing in money so I won't have to work. He says I would only have to work for 5 years and then he can take over. We have lived in our current house for 9 years and he still has not worked full time for someone else. Right when we moved, his electrical business was suffering and continued to dwindle down to nothing. I am just so upset with him, that he doesn't care enough about his family to get up and support us and bring money in. He doesn't see an urgency for it and we are constantly suffering for money. I only bring in $1048 a month and don't understand how and he doesn't care. He says he worries about money all the time, but I see other fathers working 2 or even 3 jobs just to support their family.
These things along with no physical or verbal affection are draining me. I feel depressed, unloved, and used all the time. He doesn't include me in anything and it hurts.
He is close to our 17 year old son. Not close to our 18 year old daughter. Some what close to our 9 year old son.
Just tonight, he rented a movie online and asked our oldest son to watch it and didn't even tell me he was renting one.
We fight about a lot of things and smoking is one of them. I stopped smoking Jan 2014. He continues to smoke and goes into another room (most of the time). I am always harping on him for smoking around the kids. He just doesn't seem to care. When I used to smoke, we would both smoke outside because of the kids. Now he doesn't care where he smokes. I think he does it on purpose sometimes just to piss me off.
As I said before, I spend most of my time in our bedroom. Two reasons; because of the smoke (I get an instant headache and stuffed up nose and head), and that I like to watch different shows than everyone else does. I don't want to take up the TV in the living room if someone else wants to watch it.
About a month ago my husband said, "you know, you can watch TV in the living room". So I did. I went in the living room and watched a movie with the kids and when they went to bed, I had started another movie until my husband lit up a cigarette. I said, "really, your gonna smoke?". Even though, he knows the smoke bothers me, he said, "well the kids are in bed" and continued to smoke it. So I turned off the TV and went to the bedroom.
Even though he knows how much I can't stand being around the smoke, he deliberately lit one up just so I didn't stay in the living room, even after he had just told me earlier that day that I don't always have to stay in the bedroom. About 5 minutes later, I heard the TV turn back on. I was so pissed, but I didn't say anything about it. The next day, I watched TV again in the living room and when he was done on his computer, instead of coming over and sitting in the living room to watch TV, he went into our bedroom and watched TV. Oh my gosh! I just don't get it. These are just some of the issues I am going through.
I constantly feel left out, unappreciated, and taken advantage of because I'm the only one bringing in the money.
Through all our years of marriage, I have never thrown it in my husbands face that I bring in the money (even though I would love to say it, just once). I know that would not be right but my husband has said it to me plenty of times. He has even said, when he gets a job and brings in the money, it would be his and he can do what he wants with it, even though he already does that know.
When ever I go to the store and want to buy something other than what is on our list or what we already had discussed, I call my husband and ask him if it would be alright to spend ?? amount of money. He always says, "you know you don't have to ask me to spend money". So just last week, I went to my PT and after wanted to spend $15 dollars on myself, so this one time I did not call him. When I got home, he was not happy that I spent the money. When ever he goes to the store, he never EVER calls me to ask me about spending any extra money. He just waits till he gets home and tells me what he bought.
These are some of the things that upset me, but most of all it is the lack of affection. When we first got married, he loved being with me and wanted to constantly spend time with me. Now after, children, a house, and time passing, we seem to be strangers. I want a happy, loving, affectionate marriage, but I feel so tired of trying. I always ask him to sleep in the bed but there's always an excuse like; he stays up late and doesn't want to wake me when he comes to bed so he'll just sleep on the couch, or he can't sleep in the bed because he can't hear what's going on in the rest of the house. I feel these are just excuses so he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong. I'm not even sure if he is attracted to me anymore, it's been so long.
I am at loss of what to do and now I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I'm so tired of everything, I just want to run away sometimes.
In the past, only when he has been drunk, he has mentioned getting a divorce and finding someone else. I've told him DIVORCE isn't in my vocabulary. Now, today, I don't really know what I want. I know, deep down, I do love him, but it would be nice to be treated good once and awhile and made to feel important. You know, he never buys me flowers (he says they are a waste of money because they die). He doesn't remember my birthday unless I remind him or the computer reminds him. He NEVER tells me he loves me, unless I say it first. He doesn't seem to care and even want to treat me good.
I should also mention, that I have no close friends to talk too about anything. I think this is why I'm turning to online chat. This sucks. I feel all alone and lost. :(
Thank you for reading my long message and listening to me vent. If anyone has anything they want to say, I would be more than happy to take any comments or advise given. Thank you.
My marriage has not been good for the past several years. My husband doesn't sleep in the same room as me. We have discussed our relationship but come to no agreement as to how to fix it. I feel we need love and affection. He feels we need a hobby together. My husband has a history of drinking and has been doing really well not drinking for the past several months. I have built up a lot of anger towards my husband because of the way he treated me when he has gotten drunk. The last time he drank, was approximately 5 months ago and I ended up just ignoring the loud music and avoiding an argument. Over the years, I came to realize the routine of his actions when he does drink and gets drunk. I have learned to "try" to avoid him when he is in this state of mind. When he did get drunk, the routine was always the same and the next day, he always made it seem as though I was the reason he drank in the first place. I know this is him blame shifting so he doesn't have to take responsi bility for his actions, but I am so tired of dealing with that. He rarely apologized and when he did it was just "sorry about last night, I went overboard". When I try to discuss his drinking and actions, he just tells me the same thing that he won't do it again. I have stayed with him for almost 19 years and have built up so much anger and resentment. When I try to tell him how all his past actions have hurt me, he gets defensive and we argue.
I don't spend time with him and I feel bad for it all the time. We basically live in the same house as roommates. I'm constantly in my bedroom watching TV or doing homework on my laptop. He is constantly on his computer in the other room. When he does come in to tell me something about the news or government issues (which I do not follow), I feel as though I have to fake being interested. I don't like faking my feelings. Sometimes, I don't even want to talk to him.
There is no romance, and I really miss the love and affection. I wish we could just cuddle together.
We also have money problems that add to our arguing.
My husband used to run his own electrical business several years ago, but with the economy he only does odd jobs for neighbors "maybe" 5 or 6 times a year. The only income we have is my disability.
He does not have a high school diploma and "I feel" he uses this as an excuse to not get a job. But then when we fight (during times when he is drunk), he will say "he's leaving me, going to find someone else, move down the hill to his moms or brothers, get a job, start over, and then he can just worry about himself". I have never understood how he could easily say those things, move to his moms or brothers and get a job when he can't get a job now and take care of his family. I feel he is very lazy and doesn't want to work. He is constantly saying when I finish my schooling, I can get a good job, make good money, and then he can start working on building a business and bringing in money so I won't have to work. He says I would only have to work for 5 years and then he can take over. We have lived in our current house for 9 years and he still has not worked full time for someone else. Right when we moved, his electrical business was suffering and continued to dwindle down to nothing. I am just so upset with him, that he doesn't care enough about his family to get up and support us and bring money in. He doesn't see an urgency for it and we are constantly suffering for money. I only bring in $1048 a month and don't understand how and he doesn't care. He says he worries about money all the time, but I see other fathers working 2 or even 3 jobs just to support their family.
These things along with no physical or verbal affection are draining me. I feel depressed, unloved, and used all the time. He doesn't include me in anything and it hurts.
He is close to our 17 year old son. Not close to our 18 year old daughter. Some what close to our 9 year old son.
Just tonight, he rented a movie online and asked our oldest son to watch it and didn't even tell me he was renting one.
We fight about a lot of things and smoking is one of them. I stopped smoking Jan 2014. He continues to smoke and goes into another room (most of the time). I am always harping on him for smoking around the kids. He just doesn't seem to care. When I used to smoke, we would both smoke outside because of the kids. Now he doesn't care where he smokes. I think he does it on purpose sometimes just to piss me off.
As I said before, I spend most of my time in our bedroom. Two reasons; because of the smoke (I get an instant headache and stuffed up nose and head), and that I like to watch different shows than everyone else does. I don't want to take up the TV in the living room if someone else wants to watch it.
About a month ago my husband said, "you know, you can watch TV in the living room". So I did. I went in the living room and watched a movie with the kids and when they went to bed, I had started another movie until my husband lit up a cigarette. I said, "really, your gonna smoke?". Even though, he knows the smoke bothers me, he said, "well the kids are in bed" and continued to smoke it. So I turned off the TV and went to the bedroom.
Even though he knows how much I can't stand being around the smoke, he deliberately lit one up just so I didn't stay in the living room, even after he had just told me earlier that day that I don't always have to stay in the bedroom. About 5 minutes later, I heard the TV turn back on. I was so pissed, but I didn't say anything about it. The next day, I watched TV again in the living room and when he was done on his computer, instead of coming over and sitting in the living room to watch TV, he went into our bedroom and watched TV. Oh my gosh! I just don't get it. These are just some of the issues I am going through.
I constantly feel left out, unappreciated, and taken advantage of because I'm the only one bringing in the money.
Through all our years of marriage, I have never thrown it in my husbands face that I bring in the money (even though I would love to say it, just once). I know that would not be right but my husband has said it to me plenty of times. He has even said, when he gets a job and brings in the money, it would be his and he can do what he wants with it, even though he already does that know.
When ever I go to the store and want to buy something other than what is on our list or what we already had discussed, I call my husband and ask him if it would be alright to spend ?? amount of money. He always says, "you know you don't have to ask me to spend money". So just last week, I went to my PT and after wanted to spend $15 dollars on myself, so this one time I did not call him. When I got home, he was not happy that I spent the money. When ever he goes to the store, he never EVER calls me to ask me about spending any extra money. He just waits till he gets home and tells me what he bought.
These are some of the things that upset me, but most of all it is the lack of affection. When we first got married, he loved being with me and wanted to constantly spend time with me. Now after, children, a house, and time passing, we seem to be strangers. I want a happy, loving, affectionate marriage, but I feel so tired of trying. I always ask him to sleep in the bed but there's always an excuse like; he stays up late and doesn't want to wake me when he comes to bed so he'll just sleep on the couch, or he can't sleep in the bed because he can't hear what's going on in the rest of the house. I feel these are just excuses so he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong. I'm not even sure if he is attracted to me anymore, it's been so long.
I am at loss of what to do and now I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I'm so tired of everything, I just want to run away sometimes.
In the past, only when he has been drunk, he has mentioned getting a divorce and finding someone else. I've told him DIVORCE isn't in my vocabulary. Now, today, I don't really know what I want. I know, deep down, I do love him, but it would be nice to be treated good once and awhile and made to feel important. You know, he never buys me flowers (he says they are a waste of money because they die). He doesn't remember my birthday unless I remind him or the computer reminds him. He NEVER tells me he loves me, unless I say it first. He doesn't seem to care and even want to treat me good.
I should also mention, that I have no close friends to talk too about anything. I think this is why I'm turning to online chat. This sucks. I feel all alone and lost. :(
Thank you for reading my long message and listening to me vent. If anyone has anything they want to say, I would be more than happy to take any comments or advise given. Thank you.
Put the internet to work for you.
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