I would really like to know where people here see the line being drawn between an acceptable friendship between opposite genders and the point at which the friendship becomes an EA.
I've heard the concept of the EA being batted around for a while now, and it struck a chord with me because I had a close friendship with a male coworker a long time ago (I was 23, I'm 45 now) that really upset my (now ex) husband. I saw nothing wrong with it, it was never physical past hugging, we talked a lot about our problems and we went out to eat lunch together sometimes but never just the two of us, there were always other coworkers along. I was having significant marital problems at the time having just found out my husband was messing around on me, and the man in question was in the middle of a divorce because his wife had cheated while he was overseas in military service.
I never considered myself "in love" with the guy and he never suggested taking our relationship to another level. But when my husband found out about our friendship, he FREAKED. Accused me of all sorts of stuff that simply wasn't happening. All the while he was getting BJs from his students in exchange for high grades (he was an adjunct college prof at the time - he got fired when this came to light). He acted like my behavior was worse than his and I was young enough I let him convince me and after that point I never let myself get close to a male coworker again for the rest of our marriage. While he kept right on cheating. It took us close to a decade to finally split up. (Serious co-dependency issues that would make for a whole 'nother post.)
What I don't understand, looking back on it, is where he got off accusing me of having done something worse than what he was doing. I honestly still don't really see that my friendship with the other guy crossed the line. I was hurting, he was hurting, we both needed someone to talk to who understood. I cried on his shoulder a few times, that's as close as we ever got! And the things my husband accused me of were so hurtful - I've never slept with anyone but him - not before our marriage, not during it, and not even since our divorce which was now over 10 years ago (yes celibacy sucks but I don't trust men anymore except as friends).
My mother is the only person I've ever really talked to about those years and she says my husband was probably more upset about the fact that I had shared details of our marital problems with someone else, than about the fact that I had a close male friend. I understand now that he couldn't have been thrilled with the idea that I was telling anyone, male or female, the sordid details of our marriage, but I was young, far from home and family for the first time in my life, and had no one to talk to. How he could blow that up in his mind to the idea that I was cheating on him, in his mind even WORSE than he was cheating on me, I still don't 100% understand. Especially since he knew - had always known - that I've always been a tomboy (still am at 45) and therefore have a lot more guy friends than girl friends. He never had a problem with any of the others, even the ones I was out playing full contact sports with back in our college days. Of course he was obviously playing full c ontact sports with college girls as well...
So I'd really like to know where the line is - and do people think that I crossed it? Not that I suppose it matters, we've been divorced for over 10 years now because he turned out to be a serial cheater. But it's not a mistake I want to make again if I ever do trust a man enough to get seriously involved again in the future.
I've heard the concept of the EA being batted around for a while now, and it struck a chord with me because I had a close friendship with a male coworker a long time ago (I was 23, I'm 45 now) that really upset my (now ex) husband. I saw nothing wrong with it, it was never physical past hugging, we talked a lot about our problems and we went out to eat lunch together sometimes but never just the two of us, there were always other coworkers along. I was having significant marital problems at the time having just found out my husband was messing around on me, and the man in question was in the middle of a divorce because his wife had cheated while he was overseas in military service.
I never considered myself "in love" with the guy and he never suggested taking our relationship to another level. But when my husband found out about our friendship, he FREAKED. Accused me of all sorts of stuff that simply wasn't happening. All the while he was getting BJs from his students in exchange for high grades (he was an adjunct college prof at the time - he got fired when this came to light). He acted like my behavior was worse than his and I was young enough I let him convince me and after that point I never let myself get close to a male coworker again for the rest of our marriage. While he kept right on cheating. It took us close to a decade to finally split up. (Serious co-dependency issues that would make for a whole 'nother post.)
What I don't understand, looking back on it, is where he got off accusing me of having done something worse than what he was doing. I honestly still don't really see that my friendship with the other guy crossed the line. I was hurting, he was hurting, we both needed someone to talk to who understood. I cried on his shoulder a few times, that's as close as we ever got! And the things my husband accused me of were so hurtful - I've never slept with anyone but him - not before our marriage, not during it, and not even since our divorce which was now over 10 years ago (yes celibacy sucks but I don't trust men anymore except as friends).
My mother is the only person I've ever really talked to about those years and she says my husband was probably more upset about the fact that I had shared details of our marital problems with someone else, than about the fact that I had a close male friend. I understand now that he couldn't have been thrilled with the idea that I was telling anyone, male or female, the sordid details of our marriage, but I was young, far from home and family for the first time in my life, and had no one to talk to. How he could blow that up in his mind to the idea that I was cheating on him, in his mind even WORSE than he was cheating on me, I still don't 100% understand. Especially since he knew - had always known - that I've always been a tomboy (still am at 45) and therefore have a lot more guy friends than girl friends. He never had a problem with any of the others, even the ones I was out playing full contact sports with back in our college days. Of course he was obviously playing full c ontact sports with college girls as well...
So I'd really like to know where the line is - and do people think that I crossed it? Not that I suppose it matters, we've been divorced for over 10 years now because he turned out to be a serial cheater. But it's not a mistake I want to make again if I ever do trust a man enough to get seriously involved again in the future.
Put the internet to work for you.
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