Warning: this post is long ...
I have been married nearly 10 years with 2 kids (5yr old and a 3 month old).
My husband and I had a kind of "arranged" marriage if you will. We were introduced by family with the intention that we will get married. I liked him enough to say yes. Also, I had quite a bit of pressure from my nagging, overbearing mom to get married. There were some indications before the wedding that there may be trouble. For instance, I have an extreme aversion to people chomping (i later found out it actually is a disorder that has a name). He was chomping once and I said oh my goodness I can't stand it and went away to another room. He followed me and said he didn't need *****es like me in his life. This was before the wedding. Also, there were instances where he would just repeat what his mother would say and fight with me. But I went ahead and married him anyway.
Since then it has been downhill. On the surface, he is a good provider and he is genuinely a good father. But with me, he is extremely hurtful. He says the meanest things which pierce my heart. A lot of it is undeserved. If he gets upset, he rants for upto an hour at a time. His ego and sense of superiority is terrible - i cannot converse with him about anything unless it's in his praise. He has been extremely rude to my parents. He has accused me of stupid things that I did not do (like breaking his relationships with friends, when in fact I'm in touch with his friends more than he is and make plans to get together). He puts words in my mouth and goes off on me. Eg - I planned a trip to Tennessee a few years ago so we could spend christmas with HIS favorite cousin. We stayed with them for 10 days. When we were there, one night he out of the blue accused me of ruining his relationship with her. No preamble, no fight, no issues.. just said "look you have ruined my relationshi p with her". Huh?!! I planned the trip, we went to TN and spent the christmas in their house... all so we could all be together. I had no idea where this accusation came from. Y'know what i'm saying? It's so illogical and flat out nonsense.. I don't know how to react.
His mother is a hypocritic, double faced b(*&^. She says things to me when his back is turned. When I tell him, he either says she can never say such things or puts a positive spin on it. He blindly supports her, covers up her nonsense or denies stuff she has said to me in his absence (!!). When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, my mother in law was visiting us. She would let my son sit in front of her iPad for hours. I told her about a hundred times over several months to be firm with him and not let him watch videos on it for more than half an hour. She would never comply (she has a desperate need to be liked, which means indulging my husband to the point where he believes he's above everyone else and giving my son anything he needs like chocolates and iPad without any boundaries).
When I finally got fed up of her letting my son use her iPad for a long time and muttered to myself in the kitchen that she needs to be firm, my husband heard and flew into a rage, said it's not her fault and to shut up about them, that I am not saint, etc etc. He had a look of hatred on his face that I cannot put in words. I said i'm not saying anything wrong. I've tried working it out with her but she does not comply. I said I was fed up of always being treated this way and wish I could leave. He said by all means, do. If you want to leave, you can. I was 8 months pregnant for god's sake!
He keeps saying he wants to go back and live with his parents. He wants to bring them to live with us. It's always about them. He recently had a health scare. Not once did he show concern about what would happen to me or the kids without him. His only concern was how it would affect his parents.
More than anything, I am fed up of his hurtful words. I've borne them for 10 years.
Do I have a good enough reason to leave? It hasn't escalated to physical violence as such. At times, he acts like a clown and tries to butt his head into my stomach while we are fighting. I feel no love or affection towards him. I can barely stand him some days.
We have no common interests. He will not do anything I like with any enthusiasm. Anything I buy for the house is "ugly" but his crap has to be admired. If I ask him to put a book down and talk to me, he calls me and my parents "unintellectual" I earn as much as he does and have longer work hours. But i feel disrespected. I remember once working 36 straight hours, after which he asked me to take out the trash and the following day was trash day.
Should I leave him? I feel no happiness, have no companionship, feel no love for him. I love my children to death and am capable of supporting them on my own. I feel scared about being alone though since I am an only child and live thousands of miles away from my parents. But is it worth throwing my life away for a man I can barely stand and who has hurt me so much (and still believes he has been more awesome than I deserve?). I do not believe I will find anyone else to spend my life with at this age, since I didn't have many options even 10 years ago when I was younger!
I just know that if his mother moves in with us, i'm pretty sure we won't make it. He wants me to take a loan on my name to remodel the house with an in law unit for his parents. Wtf????
My concern is the kids. I feel sad about having them grow up without a father who genuinely loves them. I wouldn't keep the kids away from him though. I would love for them to spend as much time with him as they want to. But of course, divorce is never that rosy is it? I don't want to psychologically scar my children. And keeping them happy would mean literally living the rest of my life regretting marrying this man. I haven't laughed or been joyful at home in ages. I miss my old self.
I have been married nearly 10 years with 2 kids (5yr old and a 3 month old).
My husband and I had a kind of "arranged" marriage if you will. We were introduced by family with the intention that we will get married. I liked him enough to say yes. Also, I had quite a bit of pressure from my nagging, overbearing mom to get married. There were some indications before the wedding that there may be trouble. For instance, I have an extreme aversion to people chomping (i later found out it actually is a disorder that has a name). He was chomping once and I said oh my goodness I can't stand it and went away to another room. He followed me and said he didn't need *****es like me in his life. This was before the wedding. Also, there were instances where he would just repeat what his mother would say and fight with me. But I went ahead and married him anyway.
Since then it has been downhill. On the surface, he is a good provider and he is genuinely a good father. But with me, he is extremely hurtful. He says the meanest things which pierce my heart. A lot of it is undeserved. If he gets upset, he rants for upto an hour at a time. His ego and sense of superiority is terrible - i cannot converse with him about anything unless it's in his praise. He has been extremely rude to my parents. He has accused me of stupid things that I did not do (like breaking his relationships with friends, when in fact I'm in touch with his friends more than he is and make plans to get together). He puts words in my mouth and goes off on me. Eg - I planned a trip to Tennessee a few years ago so we could spend christmas with HIS favorite cousin. We stayed with them for 10 days. When we were there, one night he out of the blue accused me of ruining his relationship with her. No preamble, no fight, no issues.. just said "look you have ruined my relationshi p with her". Huh?!! I planned the trip, we went to TN and spent the christmas in their house... all so we could all be together. I had no idea where this accusation came from. Y'know what i'm saying? It's so illogical and flat out nonsense.. I don't know how to react.
His mother is a hypocritic, double faced b(*&^. She says things to me when his back is turned. When I tell him, he either says she can never say such things or puts a positive spin on it. He blindly supports her, covers up her nonsense or denies stuff she has said to me in his absence (!!). When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, my mother in law was visiting us. She would let my son sit in front of her iPad for hours. I told her about a hundred times over several months to be firm with him and not let him watch videos on it for more than half an hour. She would never comply (she has a desperate need to be liked, which means indulging my husband to the point where he believes he's above everyone else and giving my son anything he needs like chocolates and iPad without any boundaries).
When I finally got fed up of her letting my son use her iPad for a long time and muttered to myself in the kitchen that she needs to be firm, my husband heard and flew into a rage, said it's not her fault and to shut up about them, that I am not saint, etc etc. He had a look of hatred on his face that I cannot put in words. I said i'm not saying anything wrong. I've tried working it out with her but she does not comply. I said I was fed up of always being treated this way and wish I could leave. He said by all means, do. If you want to leave, you can. I was 8 months pregnant for god's sake!
He keeps saying he wants to go back and live with his parents. He wants to bring them to live with us. It's always about them. He recently had a health scare. Not once did he show concern about what would happen to me or the kids without him. His only concern was how it would affect his parents.
More than anything, I am fed up of his hurtful words. I've borne them for 10 years.
Do I have a good enough reason to leave? It hasn't escalated to physical violence as such. At times, he acts like a clown and tries to butt his head into my stomach while we are fighting. I feel no love or affection towards him. I can barely stand him some days.
We have no common interests. He will not do anything I like with any enthusiasm. Anything I buy for the house is "ugly" but his crap has to be admired. If I ask him to put a book down and talk to me, he calls me and my parents "unintellectual" I earn as much as he does and have longer work hours. But i feel disrespected. I remember once working 36 straight hours, after which he asked me to take out the trash and the following day was trash day.
Should I leave him? I feel no happiness, have no companionship, feel no love for him. I love my children to death and am capable of supporting them on my own. I feel scared about being alone though since I am an only child and live thousands of miles away from my parents. But is it worth throwing my life away for a man I can barely stand and who has hurt me so much (and still believes he has been more awesome than I deserve?). I do not believe I will find anyone else to spend my life with at this age, since I didn't have many options even 10 years ago when I was younger!
I just know that if his mother moves in with us, i'm pretty sure we won't make it. He wants me to take a loan on my name to remodel the house with an in law unit for his parents. Wtf????
My concern is the kids. I feel sad about having them grow up without a father who genuinely loves them. I wouldn't keep the kids away from him though. I would love for them to spend as much time with him as they want to. But of course, divorce is never that rosy is it? I don't want to psychologically scar my children. And keeping them happy would mean literally living the rest of my life regretting marrying this man. I haven't laughed or been joyful at home in ages. I miss my old self.
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