After 15 years of marriage and two beautiful kids (8 and 10 year old) later, my WAW dropped the D-bomb last month and is set on making it happen. I never knew about this forum so I did exactly the opposite of 180 - begged, pleaded, promised everything, cried etc., but she doesn't even want to talk. She has started talking to attorney's and has been doing a lot of things in secrecy (opening credit card account, checking child custody laws etc.,). I have tried the 180 last week but it doesn't seem to make any difference in her attitude - my kids are the best thing that happened in my life and I would give anything to keep them from getting hurt.
Here is the short version of my journey - when we first met each other at work 17 years back she was already engaged and about to be married to someone she had been with for 4 years. We fell in love and she broke the engagement and we moved to the US and got married - ours was an inter-racial marriage with different background, culture, religion, language etc., so we always had some friction in our marriage but we endured it all and have two beautiful children that we both love dearly. Unfortunately we had focused too much on the kids and neglected our relationship and when both her parents passed away in unexpected way she sort of went into a depression for a while and emotionally shutdown a few years back. For the sake of the kids and hoping that she will become better over time I kept pleading with her to stay in the marriage. She agreed but we had lost the emotional attachment - it was a loveless marriage, we had some great moments but for the most part ridden with argume nts and cold shoulders but neither of us had any time or desire to be unfaithful until an OM (much younger than her) entered our lives. I noticed a strange behavior during a weekend when she kept text'ing someone and had her phone with her constantly - this was unlike her as she would seldom answer texts or have the phone with her even for a while. I felt curious and decided to check the phone activity as we had a shared plan - did notice that there was a huge spike in text messages to one particular number and confronted her - she admitted it was a guy from her work place and they were just friends and nothing more.
Few weeks later I realized she had started spending lot more time in front of the mirror, started buying a lot of clothes/shoes etc., and instead of text messages they were using their workplace instant messenger to communicate. I managed to get the communication logs stored in our backup computer and realize that it was OM that was making flirty remarks mostly while she had been discussing work related stuff but did occasionally complain about her unhappy marriage.
I once again confronted her and she said she will minimize non work related conversations. Little did I realize that each time I confront her she just switched to a different mode (from sms to instant messenger to hand written notes to phone calls) and she started changing all her passwords, stopped backups and became a lot more secretive.
My suspicion went into overdrive and as I had access to her icloud/find phone, I caught her lying to me about her whereabouts and when confronted she did admit that she just had casual lunch or coffee with OM but nothing to worry about. She also got very upset that I was tracking her whereabouts and I am trying to control her life and decided to disable icloud.
She also promised that OM had no interest and had already moved on to other girl so nothing to worry. Unfortunately that was not the case as one day she left her computer unlocked and I found he was still sending her flirty messages and they had been going out for lunches - this time when I confronted her she admitted she was "hanging out" with him, not sure what that really meant but she said there was no physical affair but she had started having some feelings for him. I felt betrayed as this had gone on for more than 6 months so told her either that has to stop or we have to end our marriage. She promised to completely stop interacting with him and end of the week she admitted it was really hard but she made it through. Unfortunately the following week I intercepted a message that they were meeting again and this time I got really upset and angry and threw a glass in rage and walked away from that scene. I had to travel out of town the following 3 days and the day I got ba ck home she told me she had enough and is filing for divorce. According to her it has nothing to do with OM (she still insists she is innocent and I was the control freak that cooked up stories), she does not want to go for MC or give this a chance - she will not staying for the sake of kids but will fight for sole custody of the kids.
I am still not sure if I had over reacted when there was nothing or if she really is having an EA (PA highly unlikely as the kids are with her most of the time) and is acting in the "fog" of infatuation.
I am desperate to save this marriage or at least give it a serious effort through MC or other means for the sake of the kids and my own fears of the unknown. I still love her and hate to see her bitterness and coldness towards me - I have begged for her to not file the papers until after the holidays and she agreed to it but we are living in different rooms and do not have any conversations or activities together. It feels like living hell as I am not sure what is in store next month. What should I do?
Here is the short version of my journey - when we first met each other at work 17 years back she was already engaged and about to be married to someone she had been with for 4 years. We fell in love and she broke the engagement and we moved to the US and got married - ours was an inter-racial marriage with different background, culture, religion, language etc., so we always had some friction in our marriage but we endured it all and have two beautiful children that we both love dearly. Unfortunately we had focused too much on the kids and neglected our relationship and when both her parents passed away in unexpected way she sort of went into a depression for a while and emotionally shutdown a few years back. For the sake of the kids and hoping that she will become better over time I kept pleading with her to stay in the marriage. She agreed but we had lost the emotional attachment - it was a loveless marriage, we had some great moments but for the most part ridden with argume nts and cold shoulders but neither of us had any time or desire to be unfaithful until an OM (much younger than her) entered our lives. I noticed a strange behavior during a weekend when she kept text'ing someone and had her phone with her constantly - this was unlike her as she would seldom answer texts or have the phone with her even for a while. I felt curious and decided to check the phone activity as we had a shared plan - did notice that there was a huge spike in text messages to one particular number and confronted her - she admitted it was a guy from her work place and they were just friends and nothing more.
Few weeks later I realized she had started spending lot more time in front of the mirror, started buying a lot of clothes/shoes etc., and instead of text messages they were using their workplace instant messenger to communicate. I managed to get the communication logs stored in our backup computer and realize that it was OM that was making flirty remarks mostly while she had been discussing work related stuff but did occasionally complain about her unhappy marriage.
I once again confronted her and she said she will minimize non work related conversations. Little did I realize that each time I confront her she just switched to a different mode (from sms to instant messenger to hand written notes to phone calls) and she started changing all her passwords, stopped backups and became a lot more secretive.
My suspicion went into overdrive and as I had access to her icloud/find phone, I caught her lying to me about her whereabouts and when confronted she did admit that she just had casual lunch or coffee with OM but nothing to worry about. She also got very upset that I was tracking her whereabouts and I am trying to control her life and decided to disable icloud.
She also promised that OM had no interest and had already moved on to other girl so nothing to worry. Unfortunately that was not the case as one day she left her computer unlocked and I found he was still sending her flirty messages and they had been going out for lunches - this time when I confronted her she admitted she was "hanging out" with him, not sure what that really meant but she said there was no physical affair but she had started having some feelings for him. I felt betrayed as this had gone on for more than 6 months so told her either that has to stop or we have to end our marriage. She promised to completely stop interacting with him and end of the week she admitted it was really hard but she made it through. Unfortunately the following week I intercepted a message that they were meeting again and this time I got really upset and angry and threw a glass in rage and walked away from that scene. I had to travel out of town the following 3 days and the day I got ba ck home she told me she had enough and is filing for divorce. According to her it has nothing to do with OM (she still insists she is innocent and I was the control freak that cooked up stories), she does not want to go for MC or give this a chance - she will not staying for the sake of kids but will fight for sole custody of the kids.
I am still not sure if I had over reacted when there was nothing or if she really is having an EA (PA highly unlikely as the kids are with her most of the time) and is acting in the "fog" of infatuation.
I am desperate to save this marriage or at least give it a serious effort through MC or other means for the sake of the kids and my own fears of the unknown. I still love her and hate to see her bitterness and coldness towards me - I have begged for her to not file the papers until after the holidays and she agreed to it but we are living in different rooms and do not have any conversations or activities together. It feels like living hell as I am not sure what is in store next month. What should I do?
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