I've posted my story in another thread. This is more of an updated version...to hear some different input.
Married 15 years, 3 kids ages 9, 14, 15. I'm the only person earning money ever since we first met. My wife is a stay-at-home mother.
Last year my wife had a meltdown, and pretty much emotionally checked out. She's held a lot of resentment over the years towards my mother and towards me for not defending her in specific instances that happened over 10 years ago. To my wife's defense, my mother can be controlling and domineering and has a bad temper. And it's no dispute that I have the same issues with my mother. She's very opinionated and over the years has rubbed both of us the wrong way. But since my wife's episode last year - and really even before that - my mother has learned to back off quite a bit.
Financially we've both had our struggles. Revolving credit card debt got bad but we've sort of managed to fix it lately. My wife has had an on-going compulsive online shopping problem that she hasn't really dealt with until only this month. And I'm not the best with finances either. She very recently revealed to me that almost 10 years ago she had a credit card that she maxed out but never told me about. But I think that was the beginning of her compulsive shopping phase which never really went away.
Thing my wife has said over the last year are that she's feeling really stuck. She's put together a bucket list of things and places she wants to do before she turns 40. She's 34 now. Never worked in her life. She's trying to seek employment but hasn't had any luck. Her mindset is that she's trying to pick up life where she left off 15 years ago and pursue what she was doing back then. So she's gone back to school and will get her AA this month. She wanted to be a teacher before but has switched to graphic design based on a questionnaire she took recently.
She's given me the ILUBINILWY speech. But she's acting like her feelings are worse than just not in love. Daggers for eyes describes it best. But sometimes she seems kind of nice like she's interested in at least keeping a good friendship going between us.
There's no OM as far as I know. I've done enough snooping to be pretty sure of this. She has no friends that she hangs out with. Her family are all overseas. Homesickness was a huge cause of her depression last year. She got to go home this summer for the 1st time in 14 years. It was nice for her but also very challenging because the city she left had changed so much. She even told me she wished I could have gone so that she could hold my hand and put her head on my shoulder as we revisited the places we once visited so often. I'm American and met her overseas when I lived in her town where my parents are also from.
She says she feels like she gave everything for me and feels that I didn't give everything for her and can't reconcile that at all. So she thinks that there's nothing more to do or say and that we're simply done.
We tried MC for a few sessions with almost comedic results when MCs would suddenly quit after seeing us...on two separate, consecutive occasions.
So I decided to fix my own messed up head by going to a psychotherapist. He thinks this should all blow over in a year or so. But I guess being in the middle of the chaos it's hard to see anything positive coming from all of this. He's trying to slowly convince her to come in to get counseling for herself. He thinks she's got some mental disorders that she needs to recognize and work out. But my wife seems a little hesitant to do this. So I'm trying to lead by example and work on being a much better version of myself. I think I let my own depression affect what type of husband/partner I was being. So I'm trying to suss that all out in therapy.
He described her as a kite floating erratically in the wind. I need to be the guy holding the string, keeping her anchored to the ground while she figures out what to do. Just be like the dumb, clueless husband on TV who doesn't go crazy or acts out. Just be a rock that she can count on when she comes back down. Some analogy, right? But it kind of makes sense. He's labeling it a midlife crisis that should blow over just as long as I don't do anything stupid. Good luck with that.
That's where we are now. We're definitely growing more distant with each day. I try to be cordial and say hello or good morning. But she's never the one to greet or speak first unless it's something that she specifically needs from me. She knows we've both made mistakes. But she seems to be blaming me more than herself. She's at least working very hard to paint me as the person most at fault and that I'll never change. She even threatened to find work overseas and leave the kids with me to take care of them while she Skypes in motherly duties. My therapist thinks she's simply a person who feels like she has no control of her life.
She want to leave the marriage, but doesn't work and can't find a job. So she's seems to be stuck with me until she finds something better. She lamented at the state of our marriage but she doesn't want to take part in trying to fix it. And she simply feels like she can't give anything more.
It's very hard for me not to be angry or show frustration. But I've been taking these punches for so long, maybe I can do it a while longer. She says she sees how hurt I am that that she feels bad about that. But she can't help that she doesn't feel the same way about me that she did before. So she's just moving on. She doesn't even wear her wedding ring anymore.
Kind of brutal.
(sorry for any typos)
Married 15 years, 3 kids ages 9, 14, 15. I'm the only person earning money ever since we first met. My wife is a stay-at-home mother.
Last year my wife had a meltdown, and pretty much emotionally checked out. She's held a lot of resentment over the years towards my mother and towards me for not defending her in specific instances that happened over 10 years ago. To my wife's defense, my mother can be controlling and domineering and has a bad temper. And it's no dispute that I have the same issues with my mother. She's very opinionated and over the years has rubbed both of us the wrong way. But since my wife's episode last year - and really even before that - my mother has learned to back off quite a bit.
Financially we've both had our struggles. Revolving credit card debt got bad but we've sort of managed to fix it lately. My wife has had an on-going compulsive online shopping problem that she hasn't really dealt with until only this month. And I'm not the best with finances either. She very recently revealed to me that almost 10 years ago she had a credit card that she maxed out but never told me about. But I think that was the beginning of her compulsive shopping phase which never really went away.
Thing my wife has said over the last year are that she's feeling really stuck. She's put together a bucket list of things and places she wants to do before she turns 40. She's 34 now. Never worked in her life. She's trying to seek employment but hasn't had any luck. Her mindset is that she's trying to pick up life where she left off 15 years ago and pursue what she was doing back then. So she's gone back to school and will get her AA this month. She wanted to be a teacher before but has switched to graphic design based on a questionnaire she took recently.
She's given me the ILUBINILWY speech. But she's acting like her feelings are worse than just not in love. Daggers for eyes describes it best. But sometimes she seems kind of nice like she's interested in at least keeping a good friendship going between us.
There's no OM as far as I know. I've done enough snooping to be pretty sure of this. She has no friends that she hangs out with. Her family are all overseas. Homesickness was a huge cause of her depression last year. She got to go home this summer for the 1st time in 14 years. It was nice for her but also very challenging because the city she left had changed so much. She even told me she wished I could have gone so that she could hold my hand and put her head on my shoulder as we revisited the places we once visited so often. I'm American and met her overseas when I lived in her town where my parents are also from.
She says she feels like she gave everything for me and feels that I didn't give everything for her and can't reconcile that at all. So she thinks that there's nothing more to do or say and that we're simply done.
We tried MC for a few sessions with almost comedic results when MCs would suddenly quit after seeing us...on two separate, consecutive occasions.
So I decided to fix my own messed up head by going to a psychotherapist. He thinks this should all blow over in a year or so. But I guess being in the middle of the chaos it's hard to see anything positive coming from all of this. He's trying to slowly convince her to come in to get counseling for herself. He thinks she's got some mental disorders that she needs to recognize and work out. But my wife seems a little hesitant to do this. So I'm trying to lead by example and work on being a much better version of myself. I think I let my own depression affect what type of husband/partner I was being. So I'm trying to suss that all out in therapy.
He described her as a kite floating erratically in the wind. I need to be the guy holding the string, keeping her anchored to the ground while she figures out what to do. Just be like the dumb, clueless husband on TV who doesn't go crazy or acts out. Just be a rock that she can count on when she comes back down. Some analogy, right? But it kind of makes sense. He's labeling it a midlife crisis that should blow over just as long as I don't do anything stupid. Good luck with that.
That's where we are now. We're definitely growing more distant with each day. I try to be cordial and say hello or good morning. But she's never the one to greet or speak first unless it's something that she specifically needs from me. She knows we've both made mistakes. But she seems to be blaming me more than herself. She's at least working very hard to paint me as the person most at fault and that I'll never change. She even threatened to find work overseas and leave the kids with me to take care of them while she Skypes in motherly duties. My therapist thinks she's simply a person who feels like she has no control of her life.
She want to leave the marriage, but doesn't work and can't find a job. So she's seems to be stuck with me until she finds something better. She lamented at the state of our marriage but she doesn't want to take part in trying to fix it. And she simply feels like she can't give anything more.
It's very hard for me not to be angry or show frustration. But I've been taking these punches for so long, maybe I can do it a while longer. She says she sees how hurt I am that that she feels bad about that. But she can't help that she doesn't feel the same way about me that she did before. So she's just moving on. She doesn't even wear her wedding ring anymore.
Kind of brutal.
(sorry for any typos)
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