Hey everyone,
I have been reading these forums for a very long time and have seen so much great advice. I am just hoping ya'll can help me understand my current situation with my wife.
Sorry for the length.
Backstory:
Me: 34
Her: 32
Met in college and married two years later.
We have been married for 11 years. We have four children, three girls, 12,7, 6 months and a little boy in Heaven.
Our relation ship has always been very strong and we both are not afraid to communicate with one another. When we met our sex life was unreal, most men would blush at it to be honest. Baby number one came and it slowed understandably but it was still pretty good.
Baby number 2 comes and it is ok but getting slower. This is where I start to notice small excuses like I would initiate at night and she would say that she is tired. I understood, but then she would say "I would really prefer it in the morning but you are not home in the morning." She says this knowing that I will be gone by 5am. This sounded like a convenient excuse at the time.
We move to a new state shortly after baby number two.
I would stay up after everyone went to sleep and come to bed later, I would try to initiate she would say she is to tired or she has a stomach ache. She then said " well maybe it would happen more often if you came to bed with me" So I did for a whole year made it a point. Guess what, sex never happened during the week when I initiated.
By this time we are only having sex on the weekends which was only on Saturday night after the kids were asleep. No other times happened.
Two years ago we start to try and have baby number 3. Everything was great and easy, the pregnancy was perfect. Then at 26 weeks we learn our baby has passed. This was a very devastating time for us as we had to deliver our baby boy who would be sleeping. This did bring us closer together but the sex was very sparse.
After this loss we were both putting sex on the back burner for a bit.
After healing and much talking we decided to try again, this time everything went great and we had our third daughter.During the pregnancy we did not have much sex out of fear.
After the baby arrived I started to talk with my wife about our sex life and that I was not happy about it. She used the standard sick, tired stuff I have heard for years.
This is the conversation we had last night.
I finally said to her
"we are in a marriage and that she is holding all of the cards and controlling 100% of our sex life. This is not fair to me and I feel inadequate as a man because of it, it only happens when you say it will period."
I asked her
"do you think this is ok that you have all of the control in this part of our relation ship?"
She answered
" yes" As if this is a normal answer.
She then says
"well you have control on the weekends, you get your one date even when I don't want to."
I stated
"you still pick the time and day how is this under my control?"
I then said
"so you have sex with me even when you don't want to, so that means that this is a chore to you just like doing the dishes."
She says
"no, I do it because I love you."
So to me it is still a chore.
One other thing she said was
"you don't understand I cook, I clean, I take car of three kids and I home school"
She has made this same exact statement many times in the last months.
But last night I responded with
" I understand that you work hard as do I but I do my best to be present and help you in every way possible, dishes, laundry, vacuum etc, but you know what, you have said this over and over but there is always one thing missing, you never mention ME as if I am not a part of your plan."
"I thought I was the one who helps you relax, take your stress away, be present and love you, apparently not."
I am honestly at a loss. I am becoming very resentful and feel disrespected by my wife.
This has been happening for years now and I am so unhappy.
Overall we do have a great marriage and I do everything I can to help my wife out.
She used to wear sexy stuff for me because she knows I love it, she always would do my favorite position just the things we loved doing together. Now there is no sexy outfits and now only missionary is on the table, maybe her on top once in a blue moon.
She knows I love foreplay, now there is none, it is straight to the point.
I love this woman as if she is part of my soul, but this is killing me. The rejection pain is so real and painful sometimes I leave the house so she won't see me in my moment of weakness.
I talk openly and tell her exactly how I feel, she just does not seem to care. She tells me I live in a fantasy world if I think I can come to bed and think that I can just ask for sex and get it.
Top excuses:
Tired, stomach ache, ear ache and headache. All things I can not disprove.
Please help. I love my wife, I love my family, but I do not want to die a miserable man.
I have been reading these forums for a very long time and have seen so much great advice. I am just hoping ya'll can help me understand my current situation with my wife.
Sorry for the length.
Backstory:
Me: 34
Her: 32
Met in college and married two years later.
We have been married for 11 years. We have four children, three girls, 12,7, 6 months and a little boy in Heaven.
Our relation ship has always been very strong and we both are not afraid to communicate with one another. When we met our sex life was unreal, most men would blush at it to be honest. Baby number one came and it slowed understandably but it was still pretty good.
Baby number 2 comes and it is ok but getting slower. This is where I start to notice small excuses like I would initiate at night and she would say that she is tired. I understood, but then she would say "I would really prefer it in the morning but you are not home in the morning." She says this knowing that I will be gone by 5am. This sounded like a convenient excuse at the time.
We move to a new state shortly after baby number two.
I would stay up after everyone went to sleep and come to bed later, I would try to initiate she would say she is to tired or she has a stomach ache. She then said " well maybe it would happen more often if you came to bed with me" So I did for a whole year made it a point. Guess what, sex never happened during the week when I initiated.
By this time we are only having sex on the weekends which was only on Saturday night after the kids were asleep. No other times happened.
Two years ago we start to try and have baby number 3. Everything was great and easy, the pregnancy was perfect. Then at 26 weeks we learn our baby has passed. This was a very devastating time for us as we had to deliver our baby boy who would be sleeping. This did bring us closer together but the sex was very sparse.
After this loss we were both putting sex on the back burner for a bit.
After healing and much talking we decided to try again, this time everything went great and we had our third daughter.During the pregnancy we did not have much sex out of fear.
After the baby arrived I started to talk with my wife about our sex life and that I was not happy about it. She used the standard sick, tired stuff I have heard for years.
This is the conversation we had last night.
I finally said to her
"we are in a marriage and that she is holding all of the cards and controlling 100% of our sex life. This is not fair to me and I feel inadequate as a man because of it, it only happens when you say it will period."
I asked her
"do you think this is ok that you have all of the control in this part of our relation ship?"
She answered
" yes" As if this is a normal answer.
She then says
"well you have control on the weekends, you get your one date even when I don't want to."
I stated
"you still pick the time and day how is this under my control?"
I then said
"so you have sex with me even when you don't want to, so that means that this is a chore to you just like doing the dishes."
She says
"no, I do it because I love you."
So to me it is still a chore.
One other thing she said was
"you don't understand I cook, I clean, I take car of three kids and I home school"
She has made this same exact statement many times in the last months.
But last night I responded with
" I understand that you work hard as do I but I do my best to be present and help you in every way possible, dishes, laundry, vacuum etc, but you know what, you have said this over and over but there is always one thing missing, you never mention ME as if I am not a part of your plan."
"I thought I was the one who helps you relax, take your stress away, be present and love you, apparently not."
I am honestly at a loss. I am becoming very resentful and feel disrespected by my wife.
This has been happening for years now and I am so unhappy.
Overall we do have a great marriage and I do everything I can to help my wife out.
She used to wear sexy stuff for me because she knows I love it, she always would do my favorite position just the things we loved doing together. Now there is no sexy outfits and now only missionary is on the table, maybe her on top once in a blue moon.
She knows I love foreplay, now there is none, it is straight to the point.
I love this woman as if she is part of my soul, but this is killing me. The rejection pain is so real and painful sometimes I leave the house so she won't see me in my moment of weakness.
I talk openly and tell her exactly how I feel, she just does not seem to care. She tells me I live in a fantasy world if I think I can come to bed and think that I can just ask for sex and get it.
Top excuses:
Tired, stomach ache, ear ache and headache. All things I can not disprove.
Please help. I love my wife, I love my family, but I do not want to die a miserable man.
Put the internet to work for you.
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