Some stats on us
Me-35, wife 32, twins boy/girl almost 2. I work in the financial field, up to 63k/year, plus $22k dividend/bonus safely estimated for Feb 2015. She is SAHM, out of desire and that paying daycare for twins cancels out any income she could make. She had a bad history with money before we were married; her parents lived heavily on credit cards and never taught her anything.
The kids were born and she had to have everything, and generally times 2. Spent 5k to get their room in order, paid off that debt once we sold. The first year we did ok, she made a few bucks tutoring grade school kids but that fizzled up. She was two quarters away from finishing her masters in teaching when she got pregnant.
After selling our last place, we paid off all credit debt, car and in-laws and purchased new house. We couldn't afford much of a house near work (Seattle/Bellevue, WA Puget Sound Region) but managed to get a good deal on new construction about 30 miles southeast of Seattle. Debt rose again from new items purchased for the home and things she had to have and when revisiting the budget she would start a fight every time. I would try to discuss things as calmly as possible, never blaming her for any part of it, complementing her on the things for the house to make her happy.
Then the worst was in May, we had about 12k of debt after 5 months at our new place. Went to discuss our spending, she through one of the biggest temper tantrums, threaten divorce because she didn't want to talk about money. Once she came to, we did come up with a plan and some jewelry and make 5-10% cuts to other budgets to pay off debt again. My net monthly income covers mortgage and all basic bills, student loans, loans from my 401k with a little left over, but all grocery, gas, etc… expenses go on credit. We realized average $1,000month would accumulate in debt, and would be paid off from my dividend since we are single income.
$4k of the debt was for extending concrete patio and lawn for our new house (backyard came barren) and other interior updates she had to have. The Lawn was a must, otherwise our HOA would have started fining us. We set up payment schedules in our budget to pay these off over time, since they have value for the future.
Since then we have added $5k in credit debt, and most is regular living expenses. Since May I can't even mention budgeting or let her see me doing it. I have to do it secret. I let it go for July into August, didn't have time to go through receipts (she kept about half) and now see we have a problem, we would run out of credit in 12 months or so. Her main issues, she gets defensive, we have to eat, kids need clothes, etc… She claims she doesn't ever spend money on herself. That is half true; lately she has stayed within her budget for clothes and coffee but earlier in the year overspent about 1k more than me.
I save about $100/month on my personal budget, it's the only budget I can control. This helps balance things out, plus really trying to save money for adult sports rec league dues in the fall. She then gets mad because I'm spending money where she isn't which isn't even a logical argument. The other issue, she feels guilty spending my money. I never ever have implied this was ever the case, it's everyone's money.
I thought we had cut items back, scaled back TV, cell phones, gym, eating out, entertainment but to no avail. The worst is the groceries, average $1,500/month the past 3 months. If I try to ask her about any of these, she will fly off and throw her usual temper tantrum worse than the kids (e.g. large amount at Target, may be grocery, but could be other things, I just don't know).
At this point, we now have to cut our budgets hard, so I'm not sure how much further we could go. So the question is, how can I have an adult conversation with her to set realistic goals on budgeting? I want to avoid the "we need to sit down and review our spending" phrase, that will just lead to more crazy. But re-word into something that she would understand. I sought advice from a financial advisor, his suggestion was to focus on our goals. Do you think that is a good approach? Thanks for reading, any advice is much appreciated. Cheers.
Me-35, wife 32, twins boy/girl almost 2. I work in the financial field, up to 63k/year, plus $22k dividend/bonus safely estimated for Feb 2015. She is SAHM, out of desire and that paying daycare for twins cancels out any income she could make. She had a bad history with money before we were married; her parents lived heavily on credit cards and never taught her anything.
The kids were born and she had to have everything, and generally times 2. Spent 5k to get their room in order, paid off that debt once we sold. The first year we did ok, she made a few bucks tutoring grade school kids but that fizzled up. She was two quarters away from finishing her masters in teaching when she got pregnant.
After selling our last place, we paid off all credit debt, car and in-laws and purchased new house. We couldn't afford much of a house near work (Seattle/Bellevue, WA Puget Sound Region) but managed to get a good deal on new construction about 30 miles southeast of Seattle. Debt rose again from new items purchased for the home and things she had to have and when revisiting the budget she would start a fight every time. I would try to discuss things as calmly as possible, never blaming her for any part of it, complementing her on the things for the house to make her happy.
Then the worst was in May, we had about 12k of debt after 5 months at our new place. Went to discuss our spending, she through one of the biggest temper tantrums, threaten divorce because she didn't want to talk about money. Once she came to, we did come up with a plan and some jewelry and make 5-10% cuts to other budgets to pay off debt again. My net monthly income covers mortgage and all basic bills, student loans, loans from my 401k with a little left over, but all grocery, gas, etc… expenses go on credit. We realized average $1,000month would accumulate in debt, and would be paid off from my dividend since we are single income.
$4k of the debt was for extending concrete patio and lawn for our new house (backyard came barren) and other interior updates she had to have. The Lawn was a must, otherwise our HOA would have started fining us. We set up payment schedules in our budget to pay these off over time, since they have value for the future.
Since then we have added $5k in credit debt, and most is regular living expenses. Since May I can't even mention budgeting or let her see me doing it. I have to do it secret. I let it go for July into August, didn't have time to go through receipts (she kept about half) and now see we have a problem, we would run out of credit in 12 months or so. Her main issues, she gets defensive, we have to eat, kids need clothes, etc… She claims she doesn't ever spend money on herself. That is half true; lately she has stayed within her budget for clothes and coffee but earlier in the year overspent about 1k more than me.
I save about $100/month on my personal budget, it's the only budget I can control. This helps balance things out, plus really trying to save money for adult sports rec league dues in the fall. She then gets mad because I'm spending money where she isn't which isn't even a logical argument. The other issue, she feels guilty spending my money. I never ever have implied this was ever the case, it's everyone's money.
I thought we had cut items back, scaled back TV, cell phones, gym, eating out, entertainment but to no avail. The worst is the groceries, average $1,500/month the past 3 months. If I try to ask her about any of these, she will fly off and throw her usual temper tantrum worse than the kids (e.g. large amount at Target, may be grocery, but could be other things, I just don't know).
At this point, we now have to cut our budgets hard, so I'm not sure how much further we could go. So the question is, how can I have an adult conversation with her to set realistic goals on budgeting? I want to avoid the "we need to sit down and review our spending" phrase, that will just lead to more crazy. But re-word into something that she would understand. I sought advice from a financial advisor, his suggestion was to focus on our goals. Do you think that is a good approach? Thanks for reading, any advice is much appreciated. Cheers.
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