Hi all. Please give your opinions about this:
I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life.
The night I found out, we were out shopping and were in a café and we had been bickering: Basically I was fed up and with the changes in her and I suggested that she wouldn't mind then if I started to go out more – just like she was. Knowing it would wind her up, but without the slightest intention of acting upon it (I was just getting p'ed off and frustrated), I sort of out-loud suggested some female work colleagues I might meet for a drink. I said this because an old work colleague of hers had just texted her to arrange to meet up for a catch-up; and because of my frustrations as above. She appeared a little put out by this but seemed to keep it in. Later at home, she was being secretive on the internet again. I'd had enough: when she went to bed, I stayed up and hacked her Facebook account by requesting a new password (I felt terrible doing this but I was at my wits end).
Well, I found fairly undeniable evidence; part of which was that this same night just before she had gone to bed, she had messaged him asking if he wanted to 'meet this week'. I confronted her the next day. At first she was denying having an affair and was making excuses for the evidence. She just kept on denying that there was anything in it. I just knew she was lying from her reaction but also was doubting myself – horrible feeling. (In fact, I had been suspicious for a while and had accused her the week before of being secretive on the internet and hiding stuff from me. She denied this; and I felt I was unreasonable, paranoid and like I was going nuts. I apologised and she accepted it! Also, I remember I had openly asked her a few weeks before - for reasons I couldn't pin down - if she was cheating on me: she said 'no'.) However, after some hours, she eventually admitted she had been seeing the man I had identified on her Facebook; but only because I threatened to pretend to be her and to private message him to continue were she left off in arranging to meet up with him. By the way, he had replied 'yes' to her message. Somewhat strangely, I felt an immediate sense of clarity and relief knowing I was not crazy; but then intense feelings of hurt and disbelief (typified by how could you do this? and why?) as well as actual physical pain kicked in. Although very hurt, I in no way reacted violently or aggressively; I have kept my composure on that score.
She has told me he was an old crush from when she was 19 (she's now 49) and had friended him through a mutual friend (another girlfriend of old she had met up with again last year). She said that a week after friending him on Facebook, she was out with her friends for a drink. She said she checked her Facebook and he said he was out in town too and they could meet for a drink. She agreed and made excuses to leave her friends (she said she didn't and has never told them what she was doing). Turns out he had just turned up and hadn't been out. But she got in the car anyway and things went from there. They discussed how much they had fancied each other all those years ago, drove out somewhere and had sex in the back of his car (starting off unprotected then using a condom). By the way, I was in work on a night shift and our teenage son was staying out on a sleepover. She said she hadn't planned to have sex that night and that it was more by opportunity; though she admitted that the way they had been chatting on Facebook they both knew where it was heading.
She said that some 7 weeks later (I was on a night shift again; and our son was again out on a sleepover), they arranged to meet again. She was not on a night out this time: she just left the house to meet up with him. They drove out again to the same place and again had sex in the back of his car (she said protected). She then returned home. Obviously, this occasion was planned and she knew what she was going to do. She has sworn that these were the only times they met. She admitted that when she was asking to meet for the third time she would have had sex again if I hadn't have found out. She also admitted that it probably would have carried on longer if I hadn't have found out and in which case she would have just been waiting for our marriage to (somehow) come to an end.
The only reasoning she has given is that she had thought I didn't want her anymore and that our marriage was over. She says she can't understand why she did it. She hates herself for it. She says he wasn't even attractive. She's full of remorse now. She has 'blocked' him, hasn't contacted him and vows never to do so again.
At first, she was expecting me to want a divorce and started talking about it as a given, almost pushing me into it. However, partly because of the shock and not wanting further upset, partly from a desire to keep some sort of control and because I thought it would be way too premature to make a decision, I said I wanted us to stay together and still wanted her. I knew that if we went down the road of talking about divorce, she would be pushy and unreasonable. And I actually do (did?) love my wife.
It's been difficult because I need time to make a decision properly; whereas she's the type of person who needs to know the decision here and now. After a few days, we got into an argument talking about it all and she again was pushing for divorce. She turned a bit nasty and was asking me to leave and asking how much I wanted to leave 'now'. When she's in this kind of mood she's difficult to reason with and she pushes and pushes. So, in the end, I had no choice but to go along with it, and I mentioned a ball-park settlement. Well, that was it: I was the worst thing in the world. She was as angry as anything. She said that's all our son is worth to me and said I would get my money by the end of the day. Later, it all calmed down and she apologised. She said when she gets down about what she has done she wants to punish herself even more and that's why she reacts that way. This scenario played out a couple more times over the next couple of weeks but stopped. At one point, she said I was getting nothing, not even one of our two cars, and could get out now. Note that nearly all of our resources are in her name. This was mostly for convenience and because I have mostly been employed on temporary contracts. Even so, I have earned good money contributed equally if not more financially during our marriage.
She's totally turned around now: she back in love with me and wants us to be together forever. She promises she will never cheat or be disloyal to me in any way ever again. She tells me I'm an amazing husband and she can't believe I still want her; and she says she's so lucky. Our sex life is back on track the way it was a few years ago and in fact has gone through the roof – but it's not all healthy from my point of view because thoughts about 'them' sometimes drift into my head. From my point of view, this is a bit confusing because I believe I'm no different than before. She's the one who's changed and who now decides she wants me; and she's the one who's letting us have a good sex life again. I haven't really pushed this point with her. In fact, I haven't really had a decent enough explanation.
Whilst I'm wary of 'holding on to it', it kind of annoys me that she just wants to forget about it all and not talk about it. I know she struggles with what she did and feels low about it at times. I also still have strong feelings of hurt when I am triggered by something. I just don't know where my head is at. I want to be with her – she's my wife after all and I thought we would be married till death do us part – but a part of me says 'you just can't put up with that; get a divorce'. I'm afraid that if we divorce I might miss her too much and regret getting divorced. I'm afraid I'll find it difficult to build a new life – I would basically be 'out there' coping on my own. There are also the financial worries.
On the other hand, I'm saying to myself 'what's the big deal, it was just a bit of sex and was only short term; get over it and carry on loving your wife and make things better together'.
By the way, she now wants us to have a joint account and make all our resources in joint names to show her commitment; and we have an appointment for this. I am pressuring myself to make a decision. Should I come clean with her that I am undecided and risk her insisting on divorce and me having no resources and having to leave; or should I be a bit sneaky and get the joint account just in case.
And I do still love her and love being with her when what's happened isn't on my mind. I know this probably looks confusing but it's hard to write all my thoughts. Hopefully you get the picture.
BTW, this feels bizarre posting here and the secrecy from my wife. I'm not entirely happy doing this but I suppose it is a reasonable thing to do in the circumstances.
I found out about 7 weeks ago now that my wife has cheated on me. I had been concerned about her behaviour and attitude for a few months - e.g. time spent on the internet and being secretive about it and spending much more time going out to town for drinks with girlfriends. She was also chuffed to be in a new job and career. The way she was acting, I felt excluded from part of her life.
The night I found out, we were out shopping and were in a café and we had been bickering: Basically I was fed up and with the changes in her and I suggested that she wouldn't mind then if I started to go out more – just like she was. Knowing it would wind her up, but without the slightest intention of acting upon it (I was just getting p'ed off and frustrated), I sort of out-loud suggested some female work colleagues I might meet for a drink. I said this because an old work colleague of hers had just texted her to arrange to meet up for a catch-up; and because of my frustrations as above. She appeared a little put out by this but seemed to keep it in. Later at home, she was being secretive on the internet again. I'd had enough: when she went to bed, I stayed up and hacked her Facebook account by requesting a new password (I felt terrible doing this but I was at my wits end).
Well, I found fairly undeniable evidence; part of which was that this same night just before she had gone to bed, she had messaged him asking if he wanted to 'meet this week'. I confronted her the next day. At first she was denying having an affair and was making excuses for the evidence. She just kept on denying that there was anything in it. I just knew she was lying from her reaction but also was doubting myself – horrible feeling. (In fact, I had been suspicious for a while and had accused her the week before of being secretive on the internet and hiding stuff from me. She denied this; and I felt I was unreasonable, paranoid and like I was going nuts. I apologised and she accepted it! Also, I remember I had openly asked her a few weeks before - for reasons I couldn't pin down - if she was cheating on me: she said 'no'.) However, after some hours, she eventually admitted she had been seeing the man I had identified on her Facebook; but only because I threatened to pretend to be her and to private message him to continue were she left off in arranging to meet up with him. By the way, he had replied 'yes' to her message. Somewhat strangely, I felt an immediate sense of clarity and relief knowing I was not crazy; but then intense feelings of hurt and disbelief (typified by how could you do this? and why?) as well as actual physical pain kicked in. Although very hurt, I in no way reacted violently or aggressively; I have kept my composure on that score.
She has told me he was an old crush from when she was 19 (she's now 49) and had friended him through a mutual friend (another girlfriend of old she had met up with again last year). She said that a week after friending him on Facebook, she was out with her friends for a drink. She said she checked her Facebook and he said he was out in town too and they could meet for a drink. She agreed and made excuses to leave her friends (she said she didn't and has never told them what she was doing). Turns out he had just turned up and hadn't been out. But she got in the car anyway and things went from there. They discussed how much they had fancied each other all those years ago, drove out somewhere and had sex in the back of his car (starting off unprotected then using a condom). By the way, I was in work on a night shift and our teenage son was staying out on a sleepover. She said she hadn't planned to have sex that night and that it was more by opportunity; though she admitted that the way they had been chatting on Facebook they both knew where it was heading.
She said that some 7 weeks later (I was on a night shift again; and our son was again out on a sleepover), they arranged to meet again. She was not on a night out this time: she just left the house to meet up with him. They drove out again to the same place and again had sex in the back of his car (she said protected). She then returned home. Obviously, this occasion was planned and she knew what she was going to do. She has sworn that these were the only times they met. She admitted that when she was asking to meet for the third time she would have had sex again if I hadn't have found out. She also admitted that it probably would have carried on longer if I hadn't have found out and in which case she would have just been waiting for our marriage to (somehow) come to an end.
The only reasoning she has given is that she had thought I didn't want her anymore and that our marriage was over. She says she can't understand why she did it. She hates herself for it. She says he wasn't even attractive. She's full of remorse now. She has 'blocked' him, hasn't contacted him and vows never to do so again.
At first, she was expecting me to want a divorce and started talking about it as a given, almost pushing me into it. However, partly because of the shock and not wanting further upset, partly from a desire to keep some sort of control and because I thought it would be way too premature to make a decision, I said I wanted us to stay together and still wanted her. I knew that if we went down the road of talking about divorce, she would be pushy and unreasonable. And I actually do (did?) love my wife.
It's been difficult because I need time to make a decision properly; whereas she's the type of person who needs to know the decision here and now. After a few days, we got into an argument talking about it all and she again was pushing for divorce. She turned a bit nasty and was asking me to leave and asking how much I wanted to leave 'now'. When she's in this kind of mood she's difficult to reason with and she pushes and pushes. So, in the end, I had no choice but to go along with it, and I mentioned a ball-park settlement. Well, that was it: I was the worst thing in the world. She was as angry as anything. She said that's all our son is worth to me and said I would get my money by the end of the day. Later, it all calmed down and she apologised. She said when she gets down about what she has done she wants to punish herself even more and that's why she reacts that way. This scenario played out a couple more times over the next couple of weeks but stopped. At one point, she said I was getting nothing, not even one of our two cars, and could get out now. Note that nearly all of our resources are in her name. This was mostly for convenience and because I have mostly been employed on temporary contracts. Even so, I have earned good money contributed equally if not more financially during our marriage.
She's totally turned around now: she back in love with me and wants us to be together forever. She promises she will never cheat or be disloyal to me in any way ever again. She tells me I'm an amazing husband and she can't believe I still want her; and she says she's so lucky. Our sex life is back on track the way it was a few years ago and in fact has gone through the roof – but it's not all healthy from my point of view because thoughts about 'them' sometimes drift into my head. From my point of view, this is a bit confusing because I believe I'm no different than before. She's the one who's changed and who now decides she wants me; and she's the one who's letting us have a good sex life again. I haven't really pushed this point with her. In fact, I haven't really had a decent enough explanation.
Whilst I'm wary of 'holding on to it', it kind of annoys me that she just wants to forget about it all and not talk about it. I know she struggles with what she did and feels low about it at times. I also still have strong feelings of hurt when I am triggered by something. I just don't know where my head is at. I want to be with her – she's my wife after all and I thought we would be married till death do us part – but a part of me says 'you just can't put up with that; get a divorce'. I'm afraid that if we divorce I might miss her too much and regret getting divorced. I'm afraid I'll find it difficult to build a new life – I would basically be 'out there' coping on my own. There are also the financial worries.
On the other hand, I'm saying to myself 'what's the big deal, it was just a bit of sex and was only short term; get over it and carry on loving your wife and make things better together'.
By the way, she now wants us to have a joint account and make all our resources in joint names to show her commitment; and we have an appointment for this. I am pressuring myself to make a decision. Should I come clean with her that I am undecided and risk her insisting on divorce and me having no resources and having to leave; or should I be a bit sneaky and get the joint account just in case.
And I do still love her and love being with her when what's happened isn't on my mind. I know this probably looks confusing but it's hard to write all my thoughts. Hopefully you get the picture.
BTW, this feels bizarre posting here and the secrecy from my wife. I'm not entirely happy doing this but I suppose it is a reasonable thing to do in the circumstances.
Put the internet to work for you.
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