I have been with my husband since high school. He was my first and only boyfriend. I am 42 and have four beautiful boys, whom I love with my whole heart and soul. My husband is an alcoholic. He has gone out with his buddies 4 - 6 nights a week for 25 years, and even brings booze to work. Everyone loves him, and everyone knows he is a drinker. He always has a drink and is smiling as long as he is drinking. He is a functional alcoholic. When he is home, he is not drinking and is impatient, tempermental and yells a lot. He is very neglectful of me. Two of my boys had colic, one gerd. Taking care of the children was 100% my job no matter how exhausted or sick I was. (since one led to the other, I have been a physical mess for years). I just could not trust a man who was tempermental and always drinking with my children. He would not stop drinking to help take care of the kids, even when I had pneumonia. We have been to counseling 4 different oc casions for his neglect and temper. He states to this day he does not have a drinking problem. ($400 a month in whiskey for 25 years says otherwise) I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot bear to be intimate with him. Our sex life has suffered. Once a week if lucky. If I was too tired, sick or stressed for that he would get furious with me. Shouting, kicking things,etc. I had sex with him for years just so he would not take it out on me and the kids if I did not. I hit a wall. We are in counseling. He has cut back his drinking, stopped his yelling, and is trying to listen to me. FINALLY! The problem is I jump every time he touches me. The last time we tried to have sex (6 months ago - before counseling) I had what I think is a panic attack. I felt like my heart was going to break through my chest. He has been pressuring me for sex for months and feels I am wrecking our family because I just cannot respond to him physiologically in a positive way. I spent year s dreading his presence and feeling relief at his absence. Now he is working on changing, but I am still responding to him like he is the enemy. I cannot stand the thought of hurting my kids, but I cannot stand the touch of the man I am married to. I have a good job, and could easily handle the responsibilities of raising my kids alone. I have been doing that for years. He told me he will not give me a cent and will take care of the boys every other week. This scares the hell out of me. If he has to deal with them and take care of them his temper will be horrible, and he will drink excessively again. He is trying right now. How can I change my thinking??:confused:
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