It's fairly well known on TAM that I lost sexual attraction for my husband for about ten years. We'd had a good ten years of both of us being HD before that, but after kids, house, careers, a few moves (generally the usual elements of a "grown up life") my desire went south and stayed there. No matter what I did, how I tried, I couldn't find the old desire.
We reconciled about a year ago in just about every way possible, and one of the elements of that reconciliation has been my need for him to worry less about how I feel and focus more on himself and "taking" what he wants. Yes, I want him to be more selfish, which is a challenge even for a reformed "Nice Guy."
But something that seems to have helped is having a safe word. I want him to believe and act on the belief that I am always available to him sexually, even if I "seem" mad, or irritated, or tired. Even if I "seem" to have been dropping hints all evening that I'm not going to be up for sex later. It's been slow steady progress, and yes there are ten years of bad habits and old triggers to overcome, but that safe word is making a difference.
We've not had a good week, this past week. At least one huge fight. Not having much sex. Lots of job and home stress for both of us and we've both reverted to old habits. My attraction for him tanked. I haven't been mad at him for any of the arguments we've had, just for the way he reverted to his old way of handling conflict. It makes me feel indifferent and flat towards him. I hated it during those ten years; and when I feel it now I all but panic wondering if we can win this battle after all.
Last night I was asleep when he came to bed. He ripped the covers off, flipped me on my back, and started having very aggressive sex with me.
OMG I was sooooo grateful. My attraction came crashing back and I was almost immediately into it. Best. Pounding. Ever.
Later I asked him about it and he said: "You have your safe word, and I would have stopped instantly." For the first time, he trusted the safe word.
Many times during those ten years when I had no desire I'd lay next to him and wish he'd "just take me." But there was no way he was going to try that with a woman he thought felt nothing but contempt for him. And I couldn't respond to him when he initiated sex in the "normal" way. It left me too much time to panic about my lack of desire.
All this leaves me to wonder . . . are there other women out there who wish their husbands weren't so careful, so full of trepidation, when it comes to initiating sex when sex has been a sore topic? Are there other women who just wish they didn't have think about responding to an overture from their husband?
Can safe words give husbands the confidence they need to take what they want without asking while knowing that their wife could stop them if they really wanted to?
So many of these "sexless marriages" seem to be about the dance. What if the dance was just bypassed altogether?
Or am I just a kinky b*tch?
We reconciled about a year ago in just about every way possible, and one of the elements of that reconciliation has been my need for him to worry less about how I feel and focus more on himself and "taking" what he wants. Yes, I want him to be more selfish, which is a challenge even for a reformed "Nice Guy."
But something that seems to have helped is having a safe word. I want him to believe and act on the belief that I am always available to him sexually, even if I "seem" mad, or irritated, or tired. Even if I "seem" to have been dropping hints all evening that I'm not going to be up for sex later. It's been slow steady progress, and yes there are ten years of bad habits and old triggers to overcome, but that safe word is making a difference.
We've not had a good week, this past week. At least one huge fight. Not having much sex. Lots of job and home stress for both of us and we've both reverted to old habits. My attraction for him tanked. I haven't been mad at him for any of the arguments we've had, just for the way he reverted to his old way of handling conflict. It makes me feel indifferent and flat towards him. I hated it during those ten years; and when I feel it now I all but panic wondering if we can win this battle after all.
Last night I was asleep when he came to bed. He ripped the covers off, flipped me on my back, and started having very aggressive sex with me.
OMG I was sooooo grateful. My attraction came crashing back and I was almost immediately into it. Best. Pounding. Ever.
Later I asked him about it and he said: "You have your safe word, and I would have stopped instantly." For the first time, he trusted the safe word.
Many times during those ten years when I had no desire I'd lay next to him and wish he'd "just take me." But there was no way he was going to try that with a woman he thought felt nothing but contempt for him. And I couldn't respond to him when he initiated sex in the "normal" way. It left me too much time to panic about my lack of desire.
All this leaves me to wonder . . . are there other women out there who wish their husbands weren't so careful, so full of trepidation, when it comes to initiating sex when sex has been a sore topic? Are there other women who just wish they didn't have think about responding to an overture from their husband?
Can safe words give husbands the confidence they need to take what they want without asking while knowing that their wife could stop them if they really wanted to?
So many of these "sexless marriages" seem to be about the dance. What if the dance was just bypassed altogether?
Or am I just a kinky b*tch?
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