Hi all, I'm brand new here so please bear with me if this topic has been covered already.
I met my husband in college; we have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of them. I am 25 and he is 26. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship (High school sweethearts, oi...) when we met, and he had been fairly..promiscuous up until then. This threw up a small red flag for me, but I overlooked it since I've made some mistakes myself. We had a lot in common, especially our love of the outdoors, and things were great.
About 2 months after we started dating, he had to go to Australia for his brother's wedding. I later discovered that he had visited a strip club there, alone, at least twice to see the same dancer. He also tried to get in touch with her via email while he was there. It was a major speed bump, but we worked through it, though I can't honestly say I have forgiven him. Almost a year later we moved in together, and a while after that I discovered he'd been leaving early to visit a lingerie coffee-shop on his way to class every morning. This might not have gotten to me so much if not for the prior incident. Our fight escalated to the point that I got up to leave the room and he grabbed me—the first time he'd ever been physical with me in that way.
At this point we'd been together for 1 1/2 years and were already engaged. He was extremely apologetic, as he had been before, and I did my best to let it go. I still found him physically attractive, but I had lost a lot of trust in him. He was often distant and closed-off about his feelings, and could be extremely cold when he felt insulted. He blamed this on having been cheated on before and his need to keep his "walls" up. Needless to say, I had some doubts when the wedding came around, but I went through with it as I was mostly happy and figured we were just young and would work things out.
Fast forward to now--we're still young, and most of those issues have turned into new ones. First, I found I was becoming less attracted to him physically. He is a very good-looking and fit man, but we have never connected intellectually. He is a smart guy in most ways, but rather shallow and can be frustratingly narrow-minded. He has a regular tendency to misinterpret things that I tell him, twisting them until they become insults and I often end up feeling like I should be apologizing for sharing my feelings. I've dealt with emotional manipulation before, but I'm not sure if what he's doing is intentional--I suspect his severe insecurity is the cause.
As I began feeling less interested in him physically, things began getting worse. I did, and still do, make an effort to be intimate with him at least twice a week (which is far less often than he would like). However, one of the first times I turned down his advances he reacted by basically throwing a tantrum--immediately getting upset and storming out of the bedroom. This behavior still continues, though now he is more likely to turn away from me and lay there for a few minutes before starting an argument. At this point I'm often anxious about going to bed with him when I know he's expecting sex, because I am usually so occupied with deciding whether I want to deal with the sullen mood and fighting or just go along with it and get it over with.
Our fights have frequently gotten physical—he has grabbed me and blocked me from leaving the room several times. A few months ago we attended his military dining out, and he was so upset with me for drinking too much (we both had) and falling asleep without "putting out" that he woke me up early the next morning by holding me down and screaming at me, then he yanked my dress up and said he could have had me anyway if he'd wanted to, since I had passed out. I gave my ring back to him right then; of course he later apologized and we haven't had any fights that became physical since.
I don't feel like I've ever "cut him off," in fact I doubt we've ever gone a week without having sex at least once. And I've always tried to boost his ego as much as possible, but he seems to think the success of our relationship is measured by the physical aspect of it. I explained to him that I thought his negative reactions added pressure to the situation and were making me want to avoid it altogether. He immediately took this to mean that I wasn't attracted to him, and became hurt. Later on he seemed more understanding and pledged to work on his reactions, which seem to have improved but I have yet to feel like it is okay for me to say no.
At this point, I am very concerned about our future and not even sure that I want to continue working on this. I have no problem admitting that half of this is probably my fault—I can be selfish at times, and I can be insensitive when I feel like he is trying to use his emotions to manipulate me. I've also been guilty of striking him when he has grabbed me, and having seen my parents beat the heck out of each other for years it terrifies me to think I'm mimicking their toxic relationship. He also really wants to have children, but it's never been a priority for me and I'm wondering if he is looking for a way to tighten his grasp.
After all that, I do love him and at this point I don't feel like he would ever cheat on me. Then again, I'm not sure if I would care as much as I would have before. He is extremely hard-working and motivated, and has done a complete 180 from being cold and distant (now he is downright clingy and overly sensitive half the time.) He is always the first to offer help, even to strangers, and he does a lot of chores while I'm at work so that I don't always have to deal with them when I get home. Yet I still feel like there is a huge disconnect between us—half of my life is based on the outdoors (hunting, fishing, horseback riding, etc) and he's a perfect partner, but the other half of me loves art, literature, and embracing diversity, and we will never connect on that level. For example, he acted disgusted when I dyed my hair with a few subtle blue streaks, something I used to do fairly often before we met. Unfortunately, he has become very dependent on my attention and I'm concerned about what he might do if I left. He is leaving for training in a few days and will only be home on weekends until mid-August, and I'm afraid his absence is going to lead to an even wider gap between us, at best.
There is a lot more to it, but this has gotten much longer than I expected already. I guess I'm just looking for a different perspective on the situation and would like to know if my expectations are completely unrealistic. Should I keep trying to work this out, even though I'm not sure that I want to anymore?
I met my husband in college; we have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of them. I am 25 and he is 26. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship (High school sweethearts, oi...) when we met, and he had been fairly..promiscuous up until then. This threw up a small red flag for me, but I overlooked it since I've made some mistakes myself. We had a lot in common, especially our love of the outdoors, and things were great.
About 2 months after we started dating, he had to go to Australia for his brother's wedding. I later discovered that he had visited a strip club there, alone, at least twice to see the same dancer. He also tried to get in touch with her via email while he was there. It was a major speed bump, but we worked through it, though I can't honestly say I have forgiven him. Almost a year later we moved in together, and a while after that I discovered he'd been leaving early to visit a lingerie coffee-shop on his way to class every morning. This might not have gotten to me so much if not for the prior incident. Our fight escalated to the point that I got up to leave the room and he grabbed me—the first time he'd ever been physical with me in that way.
At this point we'd been together for 1 1/2 years and were already engaged. He was extremely apologetic, as he had been before, and I did my best to let it go. I still found him physically attractive, but I had lost a lot of trust in him. He was often distant and closed-off about his feelings, and could be extremely cold when he felt insulted. He blamed this on having been cheated on before and his need to keep his "walls" up. Needless to say, I had some doubts when the wedding came around, but I went through with it as I was mostly happy and figured we were just young and would work things out.
Fast forward to now--we're still young, and most of those issues have turned into new ones. First, I found I was becoming less attracted to him physically. He is a very good-looking and fit man, but we have never connected intellectually. He is a smart guy in most ways, but rather shallow and can be frustratingly narrow-minded. He has a regular tendency to misinterpret things that I tell him, twisting them until they become insults and I often end up feeling like I should be apologizing for sharing my feelings. I've dealt with emotional manipulation before, but I'm not sure if what he's doing is intentional--I suspect his severe insecurity is the cause.
As I began feeling less interested in him physically, things began getting worse. I did, and still do, make an effort to be intimate with him at least twice a week (which is far less often than he would like). However, one of the first times I turned down his advances he reacted by basically throwing a tantrum--immediately getting upset and storming out of the bedroom. This behavior still continues, though now he is more likely to turn away from me and lay there for a few minutes before starting an argument. At this point I'm often anxious about going to bed with him when I know he's expecting sex, because I am usually so occupied with deciding whether I want to deal with the sullen mood and fighting or just go along with it and get it over with.
Our fights have frequently gotten physical—he has grabbed me and blocked me from leaving the room several times. A few months ago we attended his military dining out, and he was so upset with me for drinking too much (we both had) and falling asleep without "putting out" that he woke me up early the next morning by holding me down and screaming at me, then he yanked my dress up and said he could have had me anyway if he'd wanted to, since I had passed out. I gave my ring back to him right then; of course he later apologized and we haven't had any fights that became physical since.
I don't feel like I've ever "cut him off," in fact I doubt we've ever gone a week without having sex at least once. And I've always tried to boost his ego as much as possible, but he seems to think the success of our relationship is measured by the physical aspect of it. I explained to him that I thought his negative reactions added pressure to the situation and were making me want to avoid it altogether. He immediately took this to mean that I wasn't attracted to him, and became hurt. Later on he seemed more understanding and pledged to work on his reactions, which seem to have improved but I have yet to feel like it is okay for me to say no.
At this point, I am very concerned about our future and not even sure that I want to continue working on this. I have no problem admitting that half of this is probably my fault—I can be selfish at times, and I can be insensitive when I feel like he is trying to use his emotions to manipulate me. I've also been guilty of striking him when he has grabbed me, and having seen my parents beat the heck out of each other for years it terrifies me to think I'm mimicking their toxic relationship. He also really wants to have children, but it's never been a priority for me and I'm wondering if he is looking for a way to tighten his grasp.
After all that, I do love him and at this point I don't feel like he would ever cheat on me. Then again, I'm not sure if I would care as much as I would have before. He is extremely hard-working and motivated, and has done a complete 180 from being cold and distant (now he is downright clingy and overly sensitive half the time.) He is always the first to offer help, even to strangers, and he does a lot of chores while I'm at work so that I don't always have to deal with them when I get home. Yet I still feel like there is a huge disconnect between us—half of my life is based on the outdoors (hunting, fishing, horseback riding, etc) and he's a perfect partner, but the other half of me loves art, literature, and embracing diversity, and we will never connect on that level. For example, he acted disgusted when I dyed my hair with a few subtle blue streaks, something I used to do fairly often before we met. Unfortunately, he has become very dependent on my attention and I'm concerned about what he might do if I left. He is leaving for training in a few days and will only be home on weekends until mid-August, and I'm afraid his absence is going to lead to an even wider gap between us, at best.
There is a lot more to it, but this has gotten much longer than I expected already. I guess I'm just looking for a different perspective on the situation and would like to know if my expectations are completely unrealistic. Should I keep trying to work this out, even though I'm not sure that I want to anymore?
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