It's been almost 2 years since I was finally confronted with reality. I couldn't cover my eyes anymore. His email was open and I went to April of 2009 when I knew he had cheated (the woman CALLED ME, but I just put a bag over my head). I found a double life. A stranger with 50+ online profiles, secret accounts, files with pictures, notes on the women, places...but it all had stopped 7 months prior to this D Day. Everything had stopped, and he wanted to keep it a secret.
He still lied when I confronted him, but stopped when he realized I just got it all...and it wasn't pretty. I think that more than anything...the disappointment was just the most difficult thing to deal with. The thought that the person I married, decided to have children with, left my family for, my country, my career, gave my life to....was so unbelievably incapable of remorse, true love, integrity. That I didn't notice, in a way, I enabled him, and in a very real way, I was part of his fantasy...if he didn't have anyone to cheat on, lie to, hide from.....where was the fantasy? He used me and my trust, my blind stupid trust, and I just can't get over this.
He has tried, he is trying, and I know 100% he is not cheating, or thinking about it, he is an open book, no more secret accounts, or anything...so my question is: WAS it an addiction or just cheating? Because an addiction is an illness, and I can sort of deal with that idea, he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not diagnosed by a Doctor but he checks every box), was abandoned as a child, with no mother and an alcoholic father...so I can understand him looking for validation and stuff....but if he was able to stop on his own, and now 2 years after DDay and he is the picture of integrity....then WHY? Did he did it just because he wanted and could? No remorse?
He bought us a new lovely big house, he plans out romantic dinners and outings, he buys me flowers, he shows emotion now, and is so much more connected to our kids (who don't know), he seems happier and there are no more put downs or criticisms (they were constant, for years)....but I just don't feel "the same". Even though before finding out I was already thinking the marriage was over, because of the way he treated me, I was convinced he not only didn't love me but didn't even like me...I was sleeping in another room and I think that somehow, that must have caused him to realize he was, after all, losing me. So he got over it, and forgot about it so much so, that he forgot his secret email account open, and I found out.
What should I do? My kids are great, in College, he is a good father, now even better because he is connected emotionally to all of us...I don't have a real career and I'm hoping to start one soon but it could take a couple of years (study) to start...Some days, I think that I could live without him...I won't miss him at all, is like I've fallen out of love and is driving me mad because I didn't want this, I wanted to be with him forever, and love him, and take care of him...and he took my heart and ripped it out and threw it away...and I don't know if I could get it back.
Should I stay with this new version of him? Recovered? Healthy? Romantic? Wonderful? it seems all I can see is the past...how can I move on? How can I love him, again the way I used to love him? Is that even possible?
He still lied when I confronted him, but stopped when he realized I just got it all...and it wasn't pretty. I think that more than anything...the disappointment was just the most difficult thing to deal with. The thought that the person I married, decided to have children with, left my family for, my country, my career, gave my life to....was so unbelievably incapable of remorse, true love, integrity. That I didn't notice, in a way, I enabled him, and in a very real way, I was part of his fantasy...if he didn't have anyone to cheat on, lie to, hide from.....where was the fantasy? He used me and my trust, my blind stupid trust, and I just can't get over this.
He has tried, he is trying, and I know 100% he is not cheating, or thinking about it, he is an open book, no more secret accounts, or anything...so my question is: WAS it an addiction or just cheating? Because an addiction is an illness, and I can sort of deal with that idea, he has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not diagnosed by a Doctor but he checks every box), was abandoned as a child, with no mother and an alcoholic father...so I can understand him looking for validation and stuff....but if he was able to stop on his own, and now 2 years after DDay and he is the picture of integrity....then WHY? Did he did it just because he wanted and could? No remorse?
He bought us a new lovely big house, he plans out romantic dinners and outings, he buys me flowers, he shows emotion now, and is so much more connected to our kids (who don't know), he seems happier and there are no more put downs or criticisms (they were constant, for years)....but I just don't feel "the same". Even though before finding out I was already thinking the marriage was over, because of the way he treated me, I was convinced he not only didn't love me but didn't even like me...I was sleeping in another room and I think that somehow, that must have caused him to realize he was, after all, losing me. So he got over it, and forgot about it so much so, that he forgot his secret email account open, and I found out.
What should I do? My kids are great, in College, he is a good father, now even better because he is connected emotionally to all of us...I don't have a real career and I'm hoping to start one soon but it could take a couple of years (study) to start...Some days, I think that I could live without him...I won't miss him at all, is like I've fallen out of love and is driving me mad because I didn't want this, I wanted to be with him forever, and love him, and take care of him...and he took my heart and ripped it out and threw it away...and I don't know if I could get it back.
Should I stay with this new version of him? Recovered? Healthy? Romantic? Wonderful? it seems all I can see is the past...how can I move on? How can I love him, again the way I used to love him? Is that even possible?
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