Need Womens' Insight

Dear Ladies: For some reason, my wife seems to equate my expressions of sexual desire as something that demeans or lessens my emotional love for her. Can any of you help me understand why? For example, just last night we were on Skype, sharing aspects of our day. For a variety of reasons, it has been more than two weeks since we last made love. Knowing she was alone in the room, I looked into the camera and told her that I really, really, really wanted to make love to her and hoped we would have the chance to be alone this weekend when I am home. She responded, "you just want sex." She said it like I had somehow just insulted her. It's definitely not the first time I've gotten that reaction when I have expressed my desire for her. Brief history: My wife and I both in our early 50s and have been married almost 30 years. Two kids, one still at home. Lots of emotional ups and downs in that period, but we've managed to stay together through it all and in many ways are more connected and in love than we've ever been. About a year ago I took a new position in a town about 3 hours away from where we live. We intended for the three of us to move, but there were complications with my wife's work and child's school that prevented us doing it. As a result, I am commuting back and forth during the week. Between my regular trips home on weekends and other business travel that takes me near our town, I average being home about four nights a week. The lack of time together, combined with a teenager in the house limit our opportunities for sexual intimacy. When we are apart we talk/text several times a day. I usually call to wake her each morning, we often talk at lunch and right after work, and we typically Skype for an hour or so each night--so we are trying to maintain our emotional connection and I think we're succeeding. One area in which we have never completely connected has been sexually. A common theme, especially in longer term marriages I know, but in our case it seems like we never had it completely. We are both attractive, physically fit (both work out 4-5 times a week) and have no physical reasons for not being more sexually active. It's not just the lack of frequency that concerns me--I understand why that may not increase. It's more about the lack of passion/romance/sensuality--things that are important to me and things that we've rarely experienced over the past 20 years. Reactions like the one from last night leave me wondering what I've done wrong all these years and, increasingly, what's wrong with her? I feel damned if I don't express sexual desire (leaving it up to her to initiate it) and damned if I do (like it somehow reduces her to being simply a sexual object). There is a lot more to our story, but for me the puzzle of our sexual intimacy is once that don't think I will ever be able to solve. We've been in counseling together and separately a few times over the past two decades. I know some of the issues that undoubtedly impact our intimate life, but no matter what I've tried it seems like this is one aspect of our relationship that won't improve--let alone reach a level to which I will be fulfilled, sexually. Not sure I expect any of you to really help me/us solve this, but it feels good to write a little about it, nonetheless. Thanks for listening.

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