How to have confidence?

Dear TSR. I am writing this because I feel like I'm being suffocated and slowly dying. I have nowhere else to turn to. I am sorry if you think I am attention seeking, but I can't bear not to cry out. Last night, at around 9 o'clock, I sat in front of the open window. I could smell the evening air, could feel the breeze on my face, could smell the grass. The trees were blowing, rustling in the wind. A lone fox ran across the road. It was so peaceful, so quiet, and I longed for it so much. I wanted to be out there, so desperately, outside in the evening air, when there's nobody around and just be able to feel ... alive. Truth is, I haven't left the house for two weeks now. And this will go on all summer and the rest of my life. I can't go outside because I am so ashamed of my looks. I have so little self esteem and I am so, so ugly. I am a cripple, a prisoner in my own home. I am scared of people, their judging and their harsh comments, their superiority towards me. I withdrew myself from society because of it, and now I'm terrified to even walk down my road, lest people look at me and think or say horrible things about my face and hair. I cry all the time and every time I look in the mirror I feel like a massive weight has been slung into my stomach, making me feel so overwhelmingly weak and hopeless. I am sick of hiding away, but I feel so weak and unhappy about my looks that I just can't face the world. I am mortified about face. I look like a mutant, a hideous mutant, a monster. I go through periods of complete and utter refusal to even think of trying to have some sort of life, because I am SO self conscious and ashamed. In these periods I feel utterly dead and lifeless inside, I have no hope or energy, no thoughts or hopes to try and change my life a little. I have so much pride and I'm so stubborn, I hate so much to be the runt of society. So I hid myself away and now I am too anxious and scared to even go out. And then I have periods, usually when I have not looked in the mirror for a while, when I am screaming and screaming and I just want to NOT CARE what people think, and be able to walk down the road. I want to contact my old friend and walk in the sunshine and feel the breeze on my face, walk beneath the blue sky. These periods of longing are heart wrenching and so desperate, because I know that when I next look in the mirror, and see the horror that lies before me, I know that I can never, ever try to have a life. How could someone as awful and physically repulsive to look at as me ever have some sort of life? And so the cycle begins again, I give up any hope. Please help me, TSR. I am suffocating and drowning. Where can I find some confidence ... how can I have the courage the face people. I am so unhappy, I am paralysed with shame over my looks, I don't want people to see me and think horrible things, but I know they will. How can I get over this and not care? How? I just think that people don't *want* to know me because of my looks, that's why I am so scared of contacting my old friend ... who would want to have to look at my hideous mutant face? I'm paralysed and obsessed with what people think of me, because I know that they think horrid things and look down on me and view me like an dirty insect. I know that I'll never look normal and people will always look at me and think "ew". How can I accept this and not care? How do I not care about it... how do I build some resistant steel shield inside me. Sob ... please can someone say something ... something reassuring, advice, anything. :( I just want to be able to sit on the grass, under the blue sky, hear the birds sing, without living in fear of taunts and insults about my face ... How do I build confidence? Help me:(:(

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