How do I move on?

I've been reading the forum for weeks now, I've spent all that time reading the thread "She cheated. I hate my life" with DevistatedDad and Changingme. I'm currently on page 178 and nearly at the end! Anyway, it's prompted to write my story as I can't seem to deal with it much anymore. Forgive me if this is too long a post........... I got married at 35 in November 2009. I had been seeing the girl of my dreams for a number of years and I couldn't wait to get married and start a family. The only thing my wife wanted in life was to get married and start a family - a dream that I shared. We both shared similar views on life, marriage and fidelity. We both knew an affair would end the relationship In January 2010 after a period of bleeding we found out following a visit to the hospital that we had indeed got pregnant straight away but unfortunatly only after a couple of weeks we had miscarried. We had discussed it and I thought we had put it past us and we vowed to continue trying. I should at this point say that my wife has a history of depression, she hasn't been on medication for 9 years and she manages with it very well. It's obvious when she's feeling a bit down and we can normally cope with that ok. During the summer of 2010 I thought I was getting a little paranoid - I remember reading magazine articles about what signs to look out for to spot your wife was having an affair like buying lots of nice underwear and I dismissed it in my own mind because we were only married a few months. I was going through a particularly tough time in work and I remember thinking at the time that she wasn't really supporting me through it but again I never really thought anything of it. She has a very good job that often involves working late and the odd weekend. The months went past and there was still no pregnancy. We were both checked medically and they found nothing wrong but we decided to apply for IVF given our ages. Late summer 2010 I found a text message on her phone that read something like "goodnight, i miss you xxx" to a contact called "cougar". I confronted her about and she assured me there was nothing in it, that there was nothing going on with anybody, and that "cougar" was just a man in work and that was his nickname that everybody used. While I expressed my displeasure at the "xxx" at the end of her text she assured me it was innocent and not to read anything into it. I checked her phone a few days later and the contact "cougar" had been removed. A few weeks went past and my suspicions grew but she denied anything inappropriate was happening but I had a gut feel something was going on behind my back but I had no proof. I went away for a weekend in September 2010 - left friday afternoon and came back Monday morning. I found it strange that my wife took a day off and cleaned the house but again she assured me there was nothing in it and I was being paranoid. When I got back I knew somebody had been in my house as the settings on my home cinema system had changed (something she'd never do). I didnt confront her straight away as I didnt think this was enough so I asked my neighbour whether anybody had been to the house - he confirmed that there was a car there on saturday that he didnt recognise (but thats all the detail he could provide). Armed with that information I asked her whether she had anybody over while I was away. She said no. That she had worked on saturday morning and that she came home alone and watched some TV. So I asked again. Again she denied having anybody over to the house. I then told her that I was giving her the opportunity to come clean - and she said she had nothing to come clean about. I then told her our neighbour told me there was a strange car in our driveway and she was shocked that I had pinned her for something. A that point I walked out of the house and didnt come back until the next day. I was completely devistated. I came back the following morning and she told me this guy had came back to our house. She told me that she had innocently bumped into him in work and his dog had died and he was pretty cut up about it. So she invited him back to the house and cooked dinner for him. She swears nothing happened at all and promised to be completely open and honest with me going forward. I told her I didnt think I could get past the lies and deceipt - I also told her that I didnt believe her. She said she would do whatever it took to save the relationship and that included changing jobs. She told me she was feeling really down that weekend while I was away as it would have been when our baby would have been born - and that really saddened me. I hadn't realised she was hurting that much. I decided at that time to take her at face value as only a few months into our marriage, I wanted it to work. About two weeks later she told me she was working late and I had a gut feel that wasn't true - so I decided to check it out for myself. She wasn't in work and I checked with some of her colleagues and she had left work some time earlier. When she got home I checked her phone again as she hadn't realised I had clocked the number for "cougar". I spotted that she had saved this mans number under the name "Stephanie" (or something like that) I was devistated - again. I confronted her again and she didnt deny being out with this man. She promised me nothing was going on and that it was just a friendship but at that time I had enough. She asked me if I wanted her to move out. I asked her where would she go. Her reply was that maybe she should cease to exist as that would be best for everybody. Given her state of mind I took this as a suicide threat and I told her to stay - so I could keep my eye on her. We spoke for days and she promised me nothing had happened. She told me she finished the friendship and he moved to a different office. She said she was feeling better and I desperately wanted things to work out - so I stayed. I asked to see her phone bill and I could see 200+ texts a day she sent to the other man. At the time I said I wanted MC but when I enquired about it she said she didnt feel it was necessary. The whole thing in hindsight was swept under the carpet. The days turned into weeks which turned into months. I tried to get on with my life and things did get better. I did however find myself in bed at night wondering whether this was the last time I'd go to sleep with my wife. And in the mornings I'd take it all in wondering whether this would by my last morning with her. A few months later our IVF came up - which she postponed, twice. She then announced she didnt want to have kids anymore and wanted instead to concentrate on her career. She committed herself more and more to her job and I felt margainalised. The physical side of our relationship ended. But we were still getting on. Fast forward to the start of 2013. Our final IVF chance came up and she reluctantly agreed to go to the appointment. While she agreed to the treatment - it was an inconvenience to her. After the appointment she phoned the hospital to push the treatment out a few months as it was "inconvenient" for her job if she started straight away. I started to feel sick. The whole EA (although I still think it escalated to a PA - how could it not have been??) was playing on my mind as now she didnt want to have children with me. I rapidly lost weight and permanently felt dulled. In the end it all came out in May and I told her I wasn't happy and didnt think I could continue in the marriage. I agreed to MC and we've been going for the last 6 weeks. I felt relieved that I could finally get all of this off my chest. The first session I could feel all of the tension lifting. Her first words to me after the session - she told me that I better remove all of the pills from the house in case she took an overdose. I didnt say anything else to her about any of it until our next session. I explained that I didnt think I could do MC as it felt like a gun to my head having this over me - and she agreed to go and have IC to deal with the depression and I can see that helping. Back to MC - she's completely shocked I feel this way. She cant understand it and while she maintains nothing happened, I dont believe her. She says she cant share any details with me as she cant remember 3 years back. I don't believe her. She's adament nothing happened. Both her and the C believe I have a mental block and that I should just put all this behind me and get on with the marriage. We're now kinda stuck. The C asked me what I wanted, and I said I wanted all of teh details of everything that happened and that because he was in my house it had to have been a PA. To which my wife responded she could have had sex even if she wanted to because she was on her period that weekend. To which my reply was you cant remember what you were doing at the time but you remember that detail - that suggests to me the fact you were on your period was significant at the time if you remember that now. I'm at a complete loss what I should do next. My wife is completely remorseful and says all the right thing. She's devistated that I feel the way I do and says she wants to do everything she can to help me through this to save our marriage. I believe her when she says that. I've never felt so inadequate. DD and CM are giving me hope though (on page 178!)

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