Two years out and still just coping...whats wrong with me?

Nearly 2 years since 1st Dday(for second A) and 10 wks since 2nd Dday(1st affair 20 years ago that I never knew about). In between lots of great reconciliation and rebuilding and falling in love again. Husband remorseful, understanding the depths of hurt he caused, grateful for a second and third chance and the depths of love I have for him. However...while most of my days are good, optimistic, living for the love we create day by day, there are still times when I feel this huge pool of anger, resentment and sense of loss overwhelm me, causing me to look at him with (lets be honest) distaste and disrespect. I dwell on the negative characteristics of his personality and values that led him to choose the selfish and cowardly alternative to simply approaching me and communicating his unhappiness and needs. I wonder over and over again how much of my life was a waste while I lived under false impressions of who my husband was and what my marriage was in truth. I resent that my husband could have worked with me to improve our marriage and allow me to grow into the better person, a more loving wife by being honest but choose deception and lies, thus thwarting any improvement for either of us. I still grieve for the loss of my dream to be his "beloved". At times, I feel valueless and unprotected because of his choices that affected my life so greatly. He is trying, but finds it hard to be there when I need to talk or question...possibly because of the feelings they generate in himself when forced to face my hurt. I want, deserve the passion and excitement he took from me and gave to another...so much so that sometimes I even wonder how it would be to have an affair myself! While I would never do it because I know first hand how destructive it would be, I still fantasize about it... So, how do I move on...how do I take all the lessons learned and the pain felt and transform it forever into a doubtfree and loving marriage, full of respect and trust? All I want is for the bitterness and sadness to disappear once and for all.

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