I don't know if i'm depressed or not

Basically, over 2 years ago i'm pretty sure i had severe depression, despite not seeing anyone about it or being diagnosed with it. I was in a continuous low mood, always felt hopeless and helpless, i cried from time to time (i'm a dude), i didn't enjoy anything, had no self esteem, no motivation, people often told me i don't look well, wasn't doing well in class and pretty much had no interests. And i remained like that for almost 18 months, not talking to anyone about it, not doing anything about it. Roughly half into summer it was going away, by the time i was going to university i pretty much wasn't depressed anymore, at all. And then at uni it kicked in again. I hated the first term and i often thought about killing myself and did some research into how i could get hold of some carbon monoxide and was trying to think of a way to hang myself. I saw a uni counselor, but it almost made me feel worse, it was so useless. Anyway after my january exams, i almost instantly felt better. It was like one day i woke up and thought "i could either kill myself having lived a miserable, pathetic life or i could fight to live a life worth living". I instantly felt better, i no longer wanted to kill myself, i no longer was always unhappy, i thought that was the end of it, but now i'm not sure. After my exams i had the most unimaginable sleeping problems all the way through Easter. I couldn't sleep at night. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all at night, feeling totally restless and then i'd feel shattered and exhausted in the late morning and still then not getting enough sleep. I tried almost everything to fix it, but it didn't work. Over easter it improved, but didn't go away and when i returned to uni it got bad again. I had and still have no concentration. At all. I couldn't focus in a lecture for more than a minute. I had almost no motivation to do anything, especially study. I wasn't doing well in uni. Although i wasn't depressed all the time, i've noticed that i still have never been particularly happy and when i am it's only for a few seconds. My sleep has improved, but i still have no concentration, no motivation (it's as if i no longer care if i fail, even though i know i can't fail, my life depends on it). I can't seem to get much joy out of life. I occasionly cry out of no real cause, i can't be asked to talk to people or participate in conversation. Sometimes i and other people notice that i talk and move more sluggishly and i don't really like anyone including my friends. I don't know why i just don't like them, it's like theres no reason for me to like them, even though they're my friends. I don't dislike them, i just won't miss them and i don't see them in a particularly good light. Sometimes i think that i'm just lazy and incompetent and stupid and if i was the opposite i'd be doing better at uni and i'd be happier. It's actually a belief i've always held since i was first depressed. That i'm just being a drama queen and that theres nothing wrong with me, especially since after my january exams. Even when i went to see a councelor, i felt that she thought there was nothing really wrong with me and that i was there for no reason. Anyway, i just want to know if i am actually depressed and that's the reason i'm failing at uni, coz it affects my work, or maybe there's nothing wrong with me and that i'm failing coz i just have bad work ethic? I dunno, i'm not sure if i should see a doctor, i'm not sure he's going to want to hear all this, this is something more for a therapist, but i cant afford that. They'll probably think i'm just a lazy guy who's trying to use depression as a scapegoat for failing, heck even i'm not entirely convinced i'm depres sed, as if anyone else is. I think it's because i don't feel all these things at the same time and sometimes i dont think i'm even concious of it. I'm just failing and i don't why? What does it sound like to you? tldr: bold bits. Also, i don't know if this is relevant, but i've been having problems at home for years and rather recently it was really bad.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979