Deejov's story : Sexless Marriage

I feel compelled to tell my story at this point. Writing it out as a form of therapy, I suppose. I'm the wife. I was HD, and married a similar HD person. My husband is now no drive \ low drive, and has been for 2 years. As a person, I struggle to empathasize, and understand, in order to accept. This is important to me. As it's the type of person I want to be. Just one of billions on this planet, finding my own way in the world. So I find myself struggling to understand the fear of love, and how it destroyed my marriage. There are other factors involved. H has a drinking problem, which he is working on, and an usual childhood, which results in a pure lack of relationship skills to solve the problems as they came up. I'm no slouch either. I have baggage. Lots of it. I admit responsibility for it. I'm a fixer. Trying to clean up my side of the street, and yes I did a lot of things wrong and that helped to push him away. Just last night, we had a long discussion \ argument about why our marriage is dead. We had agreed to give this a 2 month break, and each work on our own issues before moving forward with a divorce. Time is up. I am pretty angry about the situation overall. He suddenly stopped wanting sex, about 2 years ago. BJ? Sure, if I was willing. Oral for me? Not his thing. He expects, demands, and wants the following from a relationship: -lots of time spent together -lots of hugging, cuddling, talking -doing nice things for him -equal partners in house stuff -support, listening, understanding -Sex is NOT a requirement. He says it is not important. If I want it... I need to ask and he will do it if he's in the mood. I tried to tell him, on 4 different occasions. No sex means we will fall apart, and just become room-mates. It is the glue of a relationship. Even last night, he dismissed this. Says it's simply not true. But... he doesn't understand why we are "just" room-mates, there is no passion, no connection, and I seem to have this WALL and won't let him in. I asked what he expected. -for me to give affection, earn his trust that I won't leave him, assure him it's safe to be vulnerable. It's too late for that. Chicken before the egg. Here's why. I've asked my own doctor. He says... it is very uncommon for a man to have no sex drive. ED is more likely. Causes of no sex drive are physical or mental, if physical he really SHOULD look into it as he had ALL (acute lymphatic leukemia) as a teenager. Possibilities include: diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, hormone gland tumor, brain tumor, low testosterone, prostate cancer, high white blood cell count (ALL). He gave me a list of possible mental reasons. Alcoholism. Depression. Marital problems. Childhood problems. Sexual abuse. My husband went to a new doctor, got labs done, and never went back for a follow up. This was over a year ago. At this point, he refuses to even acknowledge that it is a problem. He says he does not even masturbate. I check his phone and computer, he either learned how to selectively delete or he is telling the truth. He's in the shower for 4 minutes tops everyday. He honestly expects that I would consider staying in the same house with him, sleeping in separate bedrooms, and he is asking that I "give" him the affection he needs to feel loved. He doesn't understand my complete withdrawal of ANY affection. He thinks I should be willing to treat him with respect, and I should be "nice" to him. I cannot do it. I told him last night bluntly that I do not want anything to do with him. I have zero sexual interest in him. My sense of self worth is at a point where I simply won't even entertain the thought of being vulnerable with someone who is THAT messed up in life. The conversation made me very angry, and I wasn't able to even continue talking to him. I have little respect for him. This is true. I cannot show respect for someone who does not have the relationship skills to understand that no intimacy is the death of a marriage. Or isn't willing to do anything about it. So this post sounds like many others. Written by men. I'm not willing to stay in a false relationship, live like room-mates, and feel like I am cheating myself out of the opportunity to have a real adult love relationship. I will not settle for less. I will not pretend things are okay. I will not hug, talk, or do anything remotely close to looking like acceptance of crumbs. I will not stay with a toxic person who is incapable of being vulnerable, or has an undiagnosed medical problem that could kill him. Not my problem. My fault for thinking I could fix him. But that's correctable. I pawned his wedding ring today. Mine isn't worth much. (what does THAT even say?). I'm using the money to help pay for a a lawyer. Since he has no money... and I'm going to have to spend a lot of money fighting to get ownership of our house. That's what is important to him. The "idea" of being married. I think I am more mad at myself for being arrogant enough to think that if I cleaned up my side of the street he would want to do the same. Maybe it's hurt, and not anger. It's overwhelming.

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