Same ole, with a twist....

Howdy all, my first post here, so please take it easy on me:) Actually, no, don't, I need to hear the truth....let me have it. This isn't the same story you've heard over and over, so please bear with me. My wife and I married at 22, have 3 kids, live the American Dream with a big house, and even a dog. I'm 36 now, meaning we've been married 14 years, dated 5 before that, making me 17 when we started dating. We are each others' only, intercourse-wise at least. We've always had issues in the intimacy department. She has never wanted it, I always do. This is the part that's different than most stories. She had some abuse with a past b/f in her teenage years. I found out the first time we got to 3rd base. I was very supportive and always tried to help her through the tough times when I would trigger something when we made out. I also always thought it would just go away through our life as we progressed from stage to stage. Her lack of desire and my desire have always been amiss. When we dated, through engagement, and throughout our 14 yr marriage. This is not just some recent development. We've had MANY, MANY arguments that stem from this core problem, which I believe is a core problem. Over the years my promiscuity has increased. And I'm to the point now where I'm scared of where it's taking me, or where I'm letting it take me. Like I said, we have only been with each other, but I've strayed over the years and have made out with a few other women. So, while I haven't gone all the way down the hill, I'm getting closer. And the descent is getting faster and progressing over the years. There was a time when I wouldn't even look at another woman, much less consider touching one. It's just that over the years, and after unfathomable rejections, I have let it get the best of me. I'm convinced my wife isn't, and never has been, attracted to me, but she has sworn that isn't true in each argument. I've even given consideration that she's a lesbian, but I truly just don't think she likes sex. Which is fine, but there is no other intimacy, never has been, either. I make an effort to do a LOT around the house, I'm not chauvanistic in that way, although I suck at laundry:) I work, do all the cooking/food prep, grocery shopping, yard work, dishes, etc. I am very active and involved with the kids and handle bath time at night. I try to help, truly and honestly. After years and years of rejection, feeling alone, like a loser, a failure, a pervert, etc, I started going to a counselor. I was under the impression a lot of my impulses and desires were not natural and were dominating my thoughts so I went to get counseling. Both counselors brought this up as a potential problem, but I didn't want to admit that there was a real possibility that she didn't love me and vice-versa. I then set up some couples counseling for us. She went, it went ok for the first few times, then we had one hell of an awkward session with the counselor the last time when she acknowledged her sexual desire issues, and potentially the cause, but wasn't really willing to work on it. She's convinced this is the way marriage is, how it will be, and that there's no reason to change it. The counselor was kind of at a loss for words, and we left, quietly, didn't talk the whole way home. I'm sure that counselor thought we'd get divorced after that meeting. We never went back and it just went on the backburner, as usual. We've trudged along, having our same ole sex, about twice/month since. Some times less, never more. It's a chore, but she does oblige that much. Between sexual encounters there is NEVER a hug or a kiss, or a pinch or a poke. That stuff is off limits, that's ONLY done in bed. Well, that's not how I work. I've recently decided that I can't live like that. I'm sick of porn. I've looked at dating sites for women willing to play along with my game (online only). I've started looking at Craigslist's Missed Connection section, HOPING that some woman actually noticed me. I just want to be noticed, appreciated, wanted. That sounds so......woman'ish, I know:) But, jeez. So, I responded to a Craigslist post in the missed connections, it wasn't meant for me, but we have been emailing for 3 weeks. It's gotten quite serious. We have seen each other twice, kissed, and have grown quite fond of each other. We know it can't progress and have agreed not to take it further than it already is. So, while it's an issue and a very bad thing that I've done, it's over. My problem is, it's re-opened my eyes to the fact I'm in a miserable marriage. Yes, I'm to blame for kissing other women. Yes, I'm to blame for looking at porn. Yes, I'm to blame for many things....but I don't think I'm alone on this one. My question is, do you sense hope? Do you sense resolution? Do you sense a means to a happy marriage where we can appreciate and want each other? Because I don't....and I don't know how to get to the crux of the matter before I'm too old to enjoy my life.... Thanks for listening, there are lots more details that I'm sure I'm leaving out, but this is a good primer:)

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