How to cope?

Wow! I wish I had noticed this board sooner! So, here's my scenario. My husband and I have been married for nearly 12 years and together for 15. About 6 months before we got married, he started having testicular pain. It was on and off at first, but has become increasingly worse. During our marriage, he has had three knee surgeries, one 48 hour stay in the psych ward for a steroid overdose, and six surgeries to try to help with the testicular pain. Five years ago, just before it got really bad, he had an affair. He told me about it a week after I had quit my job and moved away from my entire support group. So there I was 400 miles away from my family and unemployed with a three year old son and a cheating husband. He continued the affair for about two months after I arrived, until I gave him an ultimatum. He hasn't worked since that time, and all six of the surgeries for his testicular pain have taken place since then. Last summer, we moved, again, to be near my older children from a previous marriage. I have three grandchildren here, so it was killing me to be 1400 miles away. He has always had anger issues, but they have been magnified since we've been down here. He's never gotten along really well with my daughter, but he can't even hear her name without coming uncorked, now. I moved here to be near her, but I can't even speak her name, now. I've asked him to see a psychiatrist to have his meds adjusted. He's been on the same anti-depressant at the same dosage for 4 - 5 years. Nothin' doin'. That was January, and it still hasn't happened, even though I've mentioned it on a couple of other occasions. I told him that I understood that we may never have sex, again, and I can deal with that, but I still need the intimacy, the closeness, the hand-holding, and to know that I and my feelings matter to him. I told him that I feel like an androgenous care-giver. I work 45 minutes from home, so I'm gone nearly 11 hours out of the day. I come home, wash the dishes, prepare supper, make sure our 9 year old son gets his shower and gets to bed on time, then I either do my homework (I'm going to school online) or sit in uncomfortable silence. Oh, or we fight. Oh weekends, I do all of the laundry, homework, the grocery shopping, and take care of the yardwork. I had been telling him for the past couple of years before we moved down here that I was worried about our marriage. We were becoming roommates. Nothing changed. So, two months ago, when I told him that I wasn't happy and wanted marriage counseling, he rolled his eyes at me. When I insisted, he agreed grudgingly. We went to one session in early April, just prior to yet another surgery. This surgery took place 7 hours from our home, so we had to go stay in a hotel for a week. Just before we left, he walked into our bedroom when I was changing for bed. Without thinking, I pulled my nightgown up to hide my nudity. After he left the room, I realized what I had done. I couldn't even remember the last time he'd seen me nude. Then, when we were in the hotel, he reached around me in bed and grabbed my breast. It made me very uncomfortable. I knew I had to talk with him. I told him, once again, how unhappy I'd been. He asked me if I was still in love with him. Truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it. I'd just been going through the motions of our every day life. Once he asked me, though, I realized that I still care for him very deeply, but I am no longer in love with him. We've been to two more sessions with the marriage counselor, but each time, he tells me he feels attacked and ganged up on. He has done nothing that the counselor suggested, so I stopped making appointments. If he's not going to try, I'm not going to spend the money. I started speaking with a counselor individually over the phone (still trying to get an in-person counselor that takes my insurance). He suggested a couple of books on anger management written for men. I ordered both of them, but was told that they wouldn't be read. He didn't lie. They're sitting on the bookshelf. On our two last visits to the marriage counselor, she strongly suggested that he go see a psychiatrist. Only when I gave him another ultimatum, did he relent. His appointment is scheduled for next Thursday. I'm not holding my breath that he'll actually go. He has done nothing that I've asked in order to help put our marriage back together. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he wants our marriage to work. I told him that I believed him, but I also believe that he wants ME to be the one to make it work. I told him that I've done it all by myself for far too long, and I can't do it any more. I worry about his mental health if I leave with our son. I know that, with his disability check and the government services he would qualify for without my income, he would be fine financially. I have found a place that I can afford without his SSID check. I just don't know when enough is enough. We're both miserable. I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of not being taken seriously. I'm tired of not mattering. I don't want to give up too soon, but I also don't want to lose my sanity while I'm waiting. I feel so empty and alone. I just want to be happy, again. Any advice?

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