Living in limbo

Hello, trying something new here for new input. Been through lots of counseling, books, reading blogs, on and on and am in no better shape today then when this all started. A year and a half ago my wife found out I had been attending gentlemen's clubs(strip club). We've been married 20 yrs, two kids,some ups and downs but in last 5yrs, pretty stable,(always stable for the kids) and in the last year before this, we were doing better than ever. We felt much more in love,stable,looking ahead to future,sex was getting even better(always good). Looking to continue to spice things up, I went to one of these clubs. I had only been one time before at a bachelor party 25yrs ago. However, there was a time my wife mentioned she might be open to it,so I went to check it out. Slow night first time and by 2nd time, I really wasn't sure I could see us going. However, by that time I had accepted a lap dance and became intrigued/excited by the experience. About once a month for 1 hr at a time for the next year, I kept going. On some occasions there was touching, inappropriate for a married man. NO other involvement,no affairs, no intercourse(insert Clintonism here). My wife found out and was devastated- "cheating" and keeping it from her(lying-although, I came out with it ALL , when she confronted me with suspicions. That was 1.5 years ago. We still go to counseling and if anything, she is closer to leaving than ever but doesn't seem to be able to settle on staying together or splitting. This limbo is getting a bit much for me and I don't know what to do anymore. My position has always been the same. I love her and want to stay married to her. However, at this point, I just want her to feel better and for us to carry on more healthily whether that is together or not. So, I'm throwing out there for thoughts- what would you do..if you we're her? .....if you we're me? Thanks.....let 'er rip

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979