Help with reconciling after a long term EA

Me and my husband of 23 years are in MC due to a long term EA he had with an ex-GF. I apologize for not knowing how to share the link to my story, but if you search "Luckyone" you will find it under Coping with Infidelity. We are currently in MC and working on reconciling. This is our third time in MC over the same thing (the OW); the first time was a couple of years into our marriage and the second was a few years ago. Neither time was I able to get him to understand the nature of his betrayal and as a result resentment built up between us and he just took the relationship more underground. He always saw her as just a friend from his past and nothing more. I guess in some ways for me - out of sight out of mind - so I never asked questions knowing he would just lie anyways. Every few years something would pop up regarding her and we would have a big blow out. A little over a month ago I came across an old e-card she sent him a few years back and upon reading it it hit me that that I no longer waned to be married to him. Not only had I grown tired of not knowing the full extent of their relationship, but we were arguing over every little thing. I asked him for a separation but he refused to leave our home saying he loved me too much and wanted to save our marriage. He asked that I go to MC with him and I agreed, not so much to restore the marriage but so that I could have closures in the event we weren't able to work out our differences. After reading the book "Not Just Friends" my husband began to better understand the nature of his betrayal. He has asked for forgiveness and has done everything possible to keep our marriage together, including NC with the OW ever again. He says he feels a lot of remorse for what he did to me and wants to do everything he can to make things right. I have been praying about this and I feel (more like I KNOW) that God wants me to forgive him for his trespasses. Actually, let me take it a step further, not only to forgive, but to keep our marriage vows and not divorce. Yet, I am struggling with this. I feel like a child who says "It's not fair". It takes him 20 years to get the OW out of his system and I am supposed to be happy? I feel numb. Do I trust him - no, I never will. Do I think he genuinely feels remorse for what he has done and never plans to contact the OW again - at this point in time, yes. I see my husband trying so hard but I feel stuck in the past and unable to see a future. If it were up to me I would probably push for a separation so I can figure out my feelings, but the fear of God and not obeying Him wont let me do that. What can I do to get past this?

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