Marriage Despair

I need someone to talk too about us. I've never shared my feelings with my family or friends. They know we have issues, but not to this degree. Also, wasn't sure which forum to post it on because it falls between money and sex. So, here it goes... My husband (early 30s) and I (mid 20s) have been struggling since we were married. Our wedding was a few years ago and since that point, things have gotten worse (we've been together 5 years total). Most of it has to do with his job. The rest because of sex. He works in a very specialized technology field that's currently incredibly popular. It's been a big time thing for a while now, but is getting major media recognition now. Needless to say, he's busy. He's also one of the few men on the planet that can do what he does. So few, he's currently out of the country. The money is good, but not worth the 60-70 hour weeks. Really, the money should be MUCH better, but he isn't quite finished with his degree. Almost, but not quite (and once he's done, he can demand quite a salary increase). He doesn't want to leave the industry, but absolutely cannot take a $20k pay cut to switch companies. Why? Well, I don't bring much to the table. I'm currently unemployed (it's only been 2 months). Between the money from the government and what I make doing side jobs, we're doing fine. I have no debt and very few bills. He covers everything household wise and can comfortably save. But he's miserable. We're miserable. If he took a huge pay cut, we couldn't afford our home, cars, hobbies, and most importantly, school. Every time we talk about it, we end up fighting. He doesn't want to give up anything as much as I do. There is absolutely NO chance of us being happy if he did take a huge pay cut. He's admitted this outright. Another point to mention is he really doesn't want to leave the industry. While he has numerous high dollar job offers at a major international company, they're all in awful places (Detroit and Columbus to name a few). Our long term goal is to move west. We HATE the Midwest and want to be as far from it as possible. The chances of us moving west are great, but he has to finish that degree first. He's so close to finishing, which means we are that much closer to us moving are starting a life together. Honestly, we've never had a life together. He's gone Monday thru Friday every single week. When I am working I take care of everything. Our animals, the house, the property (we've got acreage), everything. He is pretty good a helping, but generally any sort of projects or repairs go on for months. I can't do everything, but at the same time, can't always afford to have a professional come out. The first time I was unemployed, I was severely depressed. He didn't notice and held the lack of housework against me. It was the first major break in our marriage. I also got a bit heavier. When we first started dating, I was heavy. Then I lost a ton of weight and have slowly put it back, plus some. It happens. Other than the weight, I'm healthy as a horse (had a full work up done for an unrelated issue). Now that I'm unemployed for a second time, I'm not quite as depressed, but some days are a struggle. If it were nicer outside, I could work in my garden or with the landscape, so I'm limited to the house. It's kept clean and in order this time around. When he gets home, I'm usually excited. Also, I'm looking forward to sex. I'm a highly sexual being. I need it like I need water, food, and air. A vibrator only does so much good. Him on the other hand, well, he never wants it. The chances of him maintaing an erection thru intercourse is slim to none. I would say we accomplish the deed 40% of the time. We have sex twice a month if I'm lucky. He swears he's still attracted to me, but asked me to lose weight. But then says he understands looks fade and we can't always be perfect. Seriously? So if my face was severely burned, but I wasn't as fat, he'd have sex with me? I honestly claim bull****. I'm not grotesque. My size is a solid 14 (5'5 tall, have gone between a size 6-12 thru our relationship) and I carry it in my hips and ass. I still get hit on when I go out with my girlfriends. It can't be my appearance. He's put on some weight, but not like I have. Maybe I should chalk it up to stress. Maybe because he never see's me. Maybe he's gay. I don't know and it's killing me. It's killing us. If he came home wanting me, I honestly believe we would be in a much better place. Instead I beg and plead. I don't nag and I don't overload him with crap when he gets home. If it's early, I'll have dinner ready. If not, well, I greet him with a hug and kiss. I just don't know what to do. Outside of completely changing myself physically, which I believe is wrong, I'm lost. If he quits his job, leaves his field, we will be miserable, even though he will be home. If he sucks up the BS a bit longer, finishes his degree, and we move to our ideal area, we can start over. But for the moment, I believe he needs to tough it out here. He's done this for 6 years. What's another at this point? I can work anywhere. I don't have a degree. If needed, I could get something in the retail world to pay my costs. I'd need to quit working for a few years to finish my degree and take out massive loans. I've so far paid off classes as I've completed them. It's worked for me. I don't want to be $50k in debt and then pray I find something to cover the loans. My spouse has the GI bill on his side. When I think of our marriage, I don't feel much. I think he feels the same. People tell us we need to get away, take a trip, go explore something together and find our spark again. Honestly, I would LOVE too. But he's the breadwinner (we don't share) and would have to plan something. Every time I bring it up, he brushes it off or has some excuse. It angers me. We CAN afford it. I'm real good a planning low key events that aren't in our general area (I would rather stay home than waste money traveling anywhere in the Midwest). I've planned a week long hiking adventure in Utah. The last one I planned turned out amazing. So did the one before that. They're all cheap and fun. He swears he's all for that sort of thing too, but won't participate past acknowledging it. We both desperately need to recharge and get away. Once again, my hands are tied. Every time I try to make things better, it goes on deaf ears or blind eyes. This does nothing for my depression. I'm currently medicated. Don't think I would need it if I could find some happiness in our marriage instead of this despair and loneliness. Is it too much to ask for a responsive partner, physically and mentally? It's two days a week I ask for. That's all. Now that the weather is getting nicer, he spends most of the weekend on his motorcycle. There's absolutely not a chance of me ever participating with him and that hobby. My father was in a body cast because of one and I'm terrified of it. He's been riding less than a year. While I'm fine with him riding bikes, it would be nice to spend time together. Even if we were just intimate for 20 minutes, I'd be thrilled. That's not too much to ask, is it? Before I forget, we don't have children. We would like to try when our lives are settled and he's home more. I've settled for the four legged kind and am quite content. My animals keep me company. Thanks in advance for reading my novel. :o

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