confused about everything

We've been married for 8 years, and they've been tumultuous, but we have always managed to work it out... but not this time, I guess... he said he had to "euthanize" our relationship. The last two years have been a crazy whirlwind of one thing after another, without going into specifics it suffices to say that I barely spent any time at home and when I was home all I wanted to do was sleep because the next morning I had to wake up and deal with sh*t du jour. So I kept ignoring or putting off my husband's pleas for attention for a day when I could deal with that, and that day did not come soon enough. I could feel us drifting apart, but I was so consumed with all the external sh*t I had to deal with and I could not deviate from that to dedicate time to fixing our relationship. During these last 2 years we would get into fights which would continue by long periods of not speaking to each other. The longest of which was a month of not speaking, that happened in the spring of 2012, after which we had a looooong heart-to-heart and he told me that he wanted to take a break. I told him that I didn't want to take a break. I told him that I understood his concerns and all the problems we had in our marriage, and that I was willing to work on fixing the probs, but I did not want a break. At some point I told him that if we take a break I will not wait for him to figure things out, I just wanted to either work it out now or break up. He reluctantly agreed to stay together. That summer I had to work A LOT but I made sure to give him as much attention as possible and I kept reaching out to him but he felt so distant and I knew that he did not share everything that was on his mind. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, trying not to get into any ar guments or to upset him in any way, but he was still a million miles away from me. Although I was barely home, I noticed that he started spending more time away from home. At some point in October or November I just exploded, I just couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't put up with trying to hold onto a person who didn't give a sh*t, I was tired of being the only one fighting for this relationship. We got into a heated argument, I told him I was done with him and he said that is what he wanted since May. A little while later we started talking again but he moved to a separate bedroom and kept staying out of the house as much as possible. He kept saying that we need to find our selves apart from us as a couple and that we're not meant to be. We were like roommates. Then in Jan we got into another fight and I told him that if he wants to move out he should do it and do it NOW instead of dragging on like this. So, he moved out. I didn't speak to him for about 2 months. I was really angry and hurt and depressed. About a month ago we started talking again, and started hanging out... with occasional sex, which by the way has been GREAT. But he said that although he enjoys the sex and it's great that we're on good terms, he doesn't know if keep having sex is a good idea because he's afraid that our feelings are going to get screwed up. He said that he doesn't want to get back together, that he doesn't want to fix anything that he "euthanized" our relationship, but he loves me and wants to have me in his life. He said that this feels like we're in the same pattern we've been in for years, where we fight and don't speak to each other for a while, but then we get back together and everything is great. He said that we need to take time apart, not to hang out for a while and don't text, so that we can figure things out. he said that during this "process" we should not lean on each other for support. We talked about getting a divorce, but haven't done much about it. Right now we're living separately, separated our finances and some property. I honestly don't know what I want. I still love him, I still believe that we can fix our mangled relationship and that we can work it out, and I feel like he gave up too easy or that he did not give me a chance to fix anything before he just gave up. But then there are times when I don't want to fix anything, and I don't want to get back together. I don't want to confuse him, but I also don't want to delude myself. I feel like I just can't let go, partly because I still love him and partly because I'm afraid that once I move on I will not want him back, I'm afraid that if he changes his mind and decides that we should work it out and I say no it will break his heart, again. And round and round it goes. Uggghhhhhh

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