How I got here

This is my first time posting on TAM. I have been married for almost 9 years, am in my mid 30's, have a 20 month old daughter and a 5 year old son who I adore. My wife and I have know each other since we were 17 years old but did not become a couple until a few years after college. Our marriage has been ok over the years, ups and downs like every relationship has. My wife and I are opposite. I am outgoing, passionate and can controlling at times (due to my drive to succeed and keep moving forward). My wife is content (or was), calm, and takes her time with everything. We have had sex regularly in our relationship up until recently. I was usually the one to initiate sex and over time that is all it turned into. Not much lovemaking, more the act of sex for pleasure. I did not make an effort to change, and don't know why. About a month ago I told my wife I was not happy in our relationship. I felt lonely (even though we were still having sex). She let me know she was no happy either. We agreed to try and change some things (show more affection for each other, me give her more free time ( she is a stay at home mom and has not had much free time in a while)) Things went back to our "normal" which was not very good. I travel for work and came back from a week away, then she went away with friends for the first time in a while so we did not see each other for about seven days. The night she came back, she was upstairs doing "housework". I got upset and felt she was avoiding me. I told her I was lonely. She told me she felt numb towards me and loved me but was not in love with me. I was not surprised by this since I have been feeling the same way. I had to leave for a business trip again so we agreed to talk on Friday. Friday came and she said she thinks we need to see a counselor. I was and am all for it. She told me she does not think she was ever in love with me and has just been going through the motions because that is what she though she was supposed to do. She said felt like she has lost herself and wants some space, no sex, etc. We then left for a planned family vacation with friends. It was extremely difficult to try and fake that everything was ok on vacation but we did our best for our kids and friends. I tried to talk to her a few times on our trip but the conversations never went we'll and were really starting to effect my state of mind. I stepped back and we agreed to talk when we got home. Last night, she told me there was someone else. I was shocked but not devastated. I tried to force sadness and emotion and it did not come. I was surprising calm and open to talking about it. She told me that she has been on and off talking with her 1st love, someone she met overseas when she was a teenager. She slept with him many years ago in her teens, but never had any type of relationship with him because he lives in another country. She has not had a physical relationship with him while we are married, rather an emotional relationship. What bothered me most is she has been on and off talking with him for at least 6 years and has had feelings, whether they are a fantasy, or real, for many years and kept this from me. I do not regret having our children, they are the love of my life and the love of hers. But I am having a hard time with the fact that she has has 2 children with me and claims she never has been in love with me. She messages or talks with this other man daily. They tell each other hey love each other. They have been communication since the past September this time around. He broke up with his live in girlfriend of 5 years because of their relationship (according to my wife). All hard for me to digest and am surprised how deep of an emotional relationship she is in with this person. I am also surprised that I am not devastated. I keep waiting for the despair and pain to come but I am not feeling it. We as we talked I told my wife I loved her and loved our family and wanted to go to therapy to at least be able to look our kids in the eye when they are older and tell them mom and dad did everything they could to try to save our marriage. Even though I am not madly in love with my wife, I still love her as a person and know I could be in love with her again. I am committed to trying everything to keep our family together but she is not sure she is. I understand she feels differently because she is in a "relationship" with someone else. I fear that she may not put in 100%. Having a relationship with this man will be very difficult for her. He would have to move to the US, leave a good job etc...I am worried she will break up our family for a fantasy. I also realize I have to let her work through her own feelings and I need to worry about mine. She has acknowledged that what she has done is f'd up and I accept responsibility for emotionally checking out over the years and not showing her the love an appreciation she deserves. We take equal responsibility. I just feel like I need to fight for it for our kids. Things are very calm and business as usual. We have our 1st appointment with a therapist in a few weeks. I notice now that she has her cell phone with her at all times since she probably thinks I will look through it to see their communications. She is probably right. He other change is she seems to be covering herself up when normally she would walk around naked, getting ready after showers. I asked her if she planned on talking with her boyfriend (don't even know what to call him) while we were seeing if we can work things out. She said she did not plan to stop speaking with him. I don't see that as being committed to trying to work it out. I will bring it up in therapy. How long do try to work it out before I move on? Again, I am most worried about how this will effect my son. My daughter is still too young to know the difference. I know my wife would not keep my children from me. She is a great Mom and has a great family who I love very much. I know if we did end the marriage, our kids would have a great life that included both of us. My struggle is I travel a lot for work so she would be the primary care giver. I have no problem supporting my kids. I do have a probably supporting my wife and her boyfriend. My wife said she would not try to get money from me and would get a job. I believe she is telling the truth but worry about the law and what it would do to me financially. I have worked hard to provide for our family a nice quality of life. Everything I have done has been to improve my families quality of life. The one thing I failed to do was stop and see my wife was slipping away from me.

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