How do you just "live your life alone??"

When my hubby and I first got together he said he wanted to go to grad school and become a doctor(teaching college & have a counseling office) and live a comfortable life with me and build a family. Although I knew at the time we were not sexually compatible (I was more sexually expressive/open while he was a virgin) I figured with time things would "graduate" and we could find our own rhythm because I believe I loved him and knew things were bound to get better. Since we got together I always felt like he thought he was better than me because of my past. It was about 2 years we were together then I found out that I was pregnant and it set off a fire to rush to get married and speed things up before he was set to go to grad school. We spent our honeymoon going to a college town looking at the potential school he "wanted to go to." It turned out that I knew more about the school then he did and I asked more questions then he did about the program. When asked about what was wrong I reassured him I was willing to support him as much as I could and learn to live without my family's support living hours away. He then confesses that he never had the intention to go to school. It was all fluff and he never wanted to attend school. He knew how much it meant to me that he do this but he couldn't live the lie anymore. I was so angry and I haven't been able to move past. Move foreword almost 10 years and 3 kids which he has made me regret having because of our explosive fights and abusive relationship. Physical and mental issues with each other. I will not say that I am not innocent however, I do feel he purposefully starts fights in hopes that I do one day either kill him or go to jail because he just is too lazy to get a divorce from me. I have asked that he go live in the basement. I have asked for a divorce. We have tried counseling but we never agreed with our therapists. Either they were too unconcerned or one of us agreed while the other did not. We are never on the same page. No matter the issue we never agree in any way with each others point of view. Neither one of us has family around us to help support leaving each other. We are both alone and neither one of us has the will or the drive to leave. Where would each of us go? He has never been there for me to hear me or to listen. He rarely talks to me unless it is about the kids or about appointments he must get off work to take them to. Forget about a sex life, that has gone out the window since I got pregnant after we got married. He always has put me on the back burner to work, our kids, anything else in his life he cared more about then me I feel. I live in a sexless marriage. I can count the times on one hand that I have had sex in the past 5 years. I have 2 kids under 5 and those time count on my hand. He doesn't have a sex drive and he has sexual issues where he unable to make it happen. He says that it is my years of bashing is manhood as a horrible lover. I say if you have a sex drive it wouldn't matter and you would want to make it better at all cost to ensure you even get any from your wife. I also have so much hatred and built up rage against him and how it doesn't work. We have 3 kids and if I give him a divorce it would only make me work harder than him, why would I give him the pleasure? I do not want to give him any pleasure and let him off the hook. It is hard being a stay at home mom let alone a single mom, why would I do that to myself? I feel and have tried to just make him feel good and get along even if things aren't the way I want it just to see if we can get along. If we do have days were we get along it is because of me having to suck up my pride and kissing his ass by holding my tongue and rubbing his back. Let me tell you it doesn't happen often because I can't lie to myself that I actually do love him. I never say that I love him because I don't want to lie to him and use it when I actually mean it. When I have cried my eyes out and confessed love he is never on the same page. He tells me that it will pass. It tends to because we just can't keep the constant getting a long going. The days don't go by where we are not fighting. He says it is because I need not to depend on him but if I don't expect a husband to talk to/tell things to/have sex with what is his actual use? However, I am not the type he wants who will just sit there and do whatever he says (or not say anything at all). If I was we wouldn't be in the position we are in. I am a stay at home mom and he resents it, he wants me to work because he doesn't feel I do enough even if we both agreed I would stay home for the sake of our younger children. I do not drive so I do depend on him a lot for everything. However, if I do go get my drivers license what do I need him for? Our therapists have told us to go out on a date night and hold hands but why would I want to give him that satisfaction when he doesn't do anything for me. It is such disappoint when we don't get along every time. It is a disappointment when we start to fool around a few times a year only to find he can't make it happen. He has made me feel bad for years that I have such a "dirty" mind just because I want sex from my husband. He knew who I was before and how has he made me change into an unhappy individual who doesn't find them self sexy or even want sex. I am so miserable. I don't remember what it feels like to enjoy sex or enjoy another person. How am I suppose to enjoy life with my children. This has spilled out into my relationships with my 3 kids and it is killing me. I find myself resentful of their attention with him(with anyone, not him). I just want to live in peace and find myself happy again. He says that I should be happy with myself and not allow him to make me upset. How can I not let his smart mouth comments bother me? How is that possible? It is hard for a stay at home to find any friends and I honestly feel now that no one wants to be around me. I don't know how to be social any more. I hate being around anyone because of how he has made me feel. I don't know how to get over it and live life alone but married. How do people do that and just look past it all and live separate lives? I would rather just choose not to talk to him but he gets so made when I don't talk when he asks questions. I also find myself at a point so mad that I have to resort to it that I lose it and yell because if I don't he won't do anything around the house or with the kids. I can't have it both ways can I? I just want someone who I don't have to talk to but helps me with the kids. How do others do this? I have no hope for this relationship but I am not ready to leave because there i s no way I could make it on my own with 3 small kids with no car/ self esteem and love for myself. I need the help not to mention he SHOULD help! How do people live in the same house and tend to their own lives where they don't fight and just go through the motions just for the kids???? I know there are people out there, has to be! Not just me. I need support. I have no one to talk to about this. My house is small, we have no money for any more therapy. Not to mention we don't have a baby sitter. I just want to live life in peace if I can't live a "normal life" where I am loved and happy.

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