Had an interesting phone call with a dear female friend last night.
She called for my counsel. And her concern could very easily be a post on TAM ... were she not to deride and be utterly dismissive of all things internet.
She is single, divorced (was in a sexless marriage), 12 year old son. She owns her own business.
Sharp, spunky, fit, attractive, and generally unapproachable. (I've told her this many times. She gives off a 'GTF away from me' vibe)
She associates every week with other individuals in her field, mostly men of course. Same group of men, for years.
Well, one of them it is well known in this circle cheated on his wife about a decade ago.
Over the course of the last 10 weeks, this same guy has become more familiar with her, and of course as part of that familiarity discussed that his marriage has been sexless for decades ... the reason for his first affair, and apparently still remains sexless.
They began texting. The texts on his part became overtly sexual.
And completely untrue to form, she confessed to me that she is utterly and absolutely caught up in having VERY sexual feelings for this guy ... who is still married. No bones about it. He turns her on and she wants to have sex with him.
And I'm left thinking ... why? Why this guy?
We talked for about 2 hours. I was pretty much astounded in listening to her rationalize all of the things that people swept up in an affair do ... and I never would have expected it from this woman ... ever.
By her own admission, she doesn't have time for a relationship. Absolutely true. She simply isn't available. She is either at her business, or home with her son. She gets two weekends off a year.
Part of the attraction for her is that it would never be a 'real' relationship. Yet when I told her to just create a profile online and find someone who she wants to have sex with, that isn't married, she considered that to be a 'crazy' option. She would never consider dating and becoming intimate with a stranger. To which I retorted, "But you'll have sex with a married business colleague ..."
The other factor is she hasn't been in a relationship, or had sex in about six years. Full disclosure, that last relationship and sex was with yours truly.
I was gobsmacked listening to the rationalizations she was making in order to justify why it would be OK to sleep with this guy. "They both know their marriage is a sham, they just don't want to blow up their lifestyle or their kids lives.", "How many people do you know that are happily married?", "There is a difference between the person you want to grow old with and the person you want to just f*ck the sh!t out of you ...", "She has plenty of responsibility for this circumstance too ...","It's like he switched something on in me. No one has ever talked to me or made me feel the way this guy does."
All standard stuff. And keep in mind I'm pretty reasonable when seeing or understanding why people choose to have affairs. Clear as day to me, why many people make that choice. And she understands that it is purely sexual. Frankly it appears that is part of the attraction and appeal.
Told her flatly that were this guy separated, I'd be saying go hit that sh!t like a ninth inning home run. But ...
if she ends up in a protracted physical affair with a colleague in her business circle, who has no intention of leaving his wife; eventually it's going to get out ... it always does.
And rightly, or wrongly, the repercussions for her would be far heavier than they are for him. Perhaps doubly so because her colleagues would wonder what the hell she was thinking ... knowing the guy was already an adulterer, as well as the potential fallout for her business if word got around.
Lastly, I emphasized that the guy, for as hot as he made her, is a coward, and that she would be an adulterer (her response was, "who the hell isn't these days?" ... hard to argue with) She got stuck on the coward piece. That and I told her she is already having an affair ... she argued that one for a good long time too.
Again I told her, as far as public opinion goes, it doesn't matter if you only texted about giving him a blow job, or actually gave him one. It's an affair. And you're currently having one.
My driving the point home was that if she was really ok with it, she never would have called me.
So ... after being very wordy, my friend wants to do the right thing, but is admittedly struggling.
Any other salvos of assurance, advice, or condemnation that I could pass along would be welcome.
I thought long and hard about posting this, but ultimately chose to in part, because I am utterly and absolutely shocked my very smart, independent, attractive friend 'fell' for the very thing that I see time after time here ... people (both genders) say they would never fall for.
I know she'll tell me if she caves. And based on her openness with me, I won't be surprised if she does.
Just highlighting the fact that despite knowing how horribly wrong and potentially cataclysmic a given decision can be ... we go through with it anyway.
She called for my counsel. And her concern could very easily be a post on TAM ... were she not to deride and be utterly dismissive of all things internet.
She is single, divorced (was in a sexless marriage), 12 year old son. She owns her own business.
Sharp, spunky, fit, attractive, and generally unapproachable. (I've told her this many times. She gives off a 'GTF away from me' vibe)
She associates every week with other individuals in her field, mostly men of course. Same group of men, for years.
Well, one of them it is well known in this circle cheated on his wife about a decade ago.
Over the course of the last 10 weeks, this same guy has become more familiar with her, and of course as part of that familiarity discussed that his marriage has been sexless for decades ... the reason for his first affair, and apparently still remains sexless.
They began texting. The texts on his part became overtly sexual.
And completely untrue to form, she confessed to me that she is utterly and absolutely caught up in having VERY sexual feelings for this guy ... who is still married. No bones about it. He turns her on and she wants to have sex with him.
And I'm left thinking ... why? Why this guy?
We talked for about 2 hours. I was pretty much astounded in listening to her rationalize all of the things that people swept up in an affair do ... and I never would have expected it from this woman ... ever.
By her own admission, she doesn't have time for a relationship. Absolutely true. She simply isn't available. She is either at her business, or home with her son. She gets two weekends off a year.
Part of the attraction for her is that it would never be a 'real' relationship. Yet when I told her to just create a profile online and find someone who she wants to have sex with, that isn't married, she considered that to be a 'crazy' option. She would never consider dating and becoming intimate with a stranger. To which I retorted, "But you'll have sex with a married business colleague ..."
The other factor is she hasn't been in a relationship, or had sex in about six years. Full disclosure, that last relationship and sex was with yours truly.
I was gobsmacked listening to the rationalizations she was making in order to justify why it would be OK to sleep with this guy. "They both know their marriage is a sham, they just don't want to blow up their lifestyle or their kids lives.", "How many people do you know that are happily married?", "There is a difference between the person you want to grow old with and the person you want to just f*ck the sh!t out of you ...", "She has plenty of responsibility for this circumstance too ...","It's like he switched something on in me. No one has ever talked to me or made me feel the way this guy does."
All standard stuff. And keep in mind I'm pretty reasonable when seeing or understanding why people choose to have affairs. Clear as day to me, why many people make that choice. And she understands that it is purely sexual. Frankly it appears that is part of the attraction and appeal.
Told her flatly that were this guy separated, I'd be saying go hit that sh!t like a ninth inning home run. But ...
if she ends up in a protracted physical affair with a colleague in her business circle, who has no intention of leaving his wife; eventually it's going to get out ... it always does.
And rightly, or wrongly, the repercussions for her would be far heavier than they are for him. Perhaps doubly so because her colleagues would wonder what the hell she was thinking ... knowing the guy was already an adulterer, as well as the potential fallout for her business if word got around.
Lastly, I emphasized that the guy, for as hot as he made her, is a coward, and that she would be an adulterer (her response was, "who the hell isn't these days?" ... hard to argue with) She got stuck on the coward piece. That and I told her she is already having an affair ... she argued that one for a good long time too.
Again I told her, as far as public opinion goes, it doesn't matter if you only texted about giving him a blow job, or actually gave him one. It's an affair. And you're currently having one.
My driving the point home was that if she was really ok with it, she never would have called me.
So ... after being very wordy, my friend wants to do the right thing, but is admittedly struggling.
Any other salvos of assurance, advice, or condemnation that I could pass along would be welcome.
I thought long and hard about posting this, but ultimately chose to in part, because I am utterly and absolutely shocked my very smart, independent, attractive friend 'fell' for the very thing that I see time after time here ... people (both genders) say they would never fall for.
I know she'll tell me if she caves. And based on her openness with me, I won't be surprised if she does.
Just highlighting the fact that despite knowing how horribly wrong and potentially cataclysmic a given decision can be ... we go through with it anyway.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment