Okay here is the story..
Some background..
I'm divorced and have very minimal contact with my Ex wife.. I have 2 boys 14 and 9, they live with me and the Ex pays me child support.
Dating a woman who is separated but not legally from her Ex husband for about 3 years.. He gives her money every week. Their relationship from what she tells me was bad at first when she kicked him out as he has a drinking problem to better now. I'm assuming he is sober for the past 2 years.
She feels if she upsets him, he will not pay her this child support. As he has done it in the past. So she doesn't want to do anything to rock the boat so to speak.
Me and him are okay, but he has said somethings about me to his mother in law which I had to correct to her.. EG Cops are violent, drunks ( go figure him saying this ), and cheats.
Oddly enough I barely drink and have never ever cheated on anyone in my life, let alone date 2 women at the same time and of course I am not violent.
Holidays like xmas, halloween and the like are apart. But birthday parties are together for some reason.
Now I am going to be very honest here and I don't see why they just can't have 2 separate birthday parties..
We discuss getting married one day and I am thinking is this guy and his GF gonna come over our house now twice a year for a party ?..
My sarcastic side tells her, why we limiting it to just birthdays.. Why not have everything together ?
I then point out, why didn't we invite them out to dinner on thanksgiving with us ?
Why didn't they invite us over to his GF house for the halloween party they had ?
I clearly understand he has a right to see his kids. But the reality is he visits with the oldest 12 year old on Wednesday for a few hours and then on Sunday he goes over to his (ex) mother in laws house around 12 to 2 and picks up either the 12 year old only or the 12 year old and the 3 year old together.. He then brings them back to the mother in laws house around 6 or 7.. So there are no overnights with him. On top of this he doesn't drive because of anxiety so if its really bad weather he will stay there at the mother in laws house..
Mind you on Wednesday he would pick up his kid(s) at the GF home and if it was bad weather he would stay there as well.
In all honesty I had to put my foot down with that one.. I wasn't happy one bit about it and was about to cut her loose over it.
So what happens now is she was looking to have a birthday party and I decided if he was going I wasn't.. The last time it was uncomfortable enough that even my 14 year old felt it..
The next day I changed my mind realizing I had to suck it up for her daughter.
Of course she had told her mother already and her mom was a bit upset she wasn't inviting him and of course the GF expressed he will be upset and probably not pay her for several weeks because of it.
I of course also told her I didn't want to be blamed for that and I didn't want to have an issue with her mother..
I also told her what if he ask to fvck you and you say no, will he stop paying you then ? So will you have to fvck him to play nice with him ?..
So I stressed to her get fvcking divorced and you won't have these issues of him holding child support over your head..
She of course now is upset even though I changed my mind to the right choice.
Her thoughts are I just want her to be miserable and hate him because I don't have a good relationship with my Ex..
I told her, you both don't have a good relationship. You both are just pretending to be friends and the real him and you will come out when you both go to court. THEN you will see how fake the both of you are with each other.. The only difference with me is I don't need or have the time to pretend with another adult..
I also expressed instead of making this bigger than it is, realize its a emotional issue I am dealing with and that she should be happy that I made the right choice for her kids sake.. And that I am doing something for her and her kids that I should be doing for my own kids and I am not..
Again I know its a HTH issue, I just decided to suck it up even though its eating me up inside..
I told her I want to know how you're gonna deal with my Ex when I have to make it right for my kids sake..
The kicker here is she pretty much admits it will be hard for her, but only because my wife left me and I wanted her to stay. Her fear is I still have feeling for my Ex.. I scoffed at it and called her nuts..
The reality is I know she would not be able to handle it.. She will go off the deep end.. I just know her..
So is there a right answer here.. Is it out of line to have separate parties ? I surely do it with my youngest, he has 2 parties.. As for my oldest its not an issue because my Ex hasn't spoken to him in a year and a half.. But that is another story..
To me I feel these are the things that happen when you're divorced.. It just separate lives now..
Because not every birthday party is going to be out someplace.. Some are going to be at home and since he really has no home, more than likely it would be my home..
I was tempted to reach out to his own GF to see how she feels about these things as well. But I know that could backfire bad on me. So it will be something that is thought but never said.
Some background..
I'm divorced and have very minimal contact with my Ex wife.. I have 2 boys 14 and 9, they live with me and the Ex pays me child support.
Dating a woman who is separated but not legally from her Ex husband for about 3 years.. He gives her money every week. Their relationship from what she tells me was bad at first when she kicked him out as he has a drinking problem to better now. I'm assuming he is sober for the past 2 years.
She feels if she upsets him, he will not pay her this child support. As he has done it in the past. So she doesn't want to do anything to rock the boat so to speak.
Me and him are okay, but he has said somethings about me to his mother in law which I had to correct to her.. EG Cops are violent, drunks ( go figure him saying this ), and cheats.
Oddly enough I barely drink and have never ever cheated on anyone in my life, let alone date 2 women at the same time and of course I am not violent.
Holidays like xmas, halloween and the like are apart. But birthday parties are together for some reason.
Now I am going to be very honest here and I don't see why they just can't have 2 separate birthday parties..
We discuss getting married one day and I am thinking is this guy and his GF gonna come over our house now twice a year for a party ?..
My sarcastic side tells her, why we limiting it to just birthdays.. Why not have everything together ?
I then point out, why didn't we invite them out to dinner on thanksgiving with us ?
Why didn't they invite us over to his GF house for the halloween party they had ?
I clearly understand he has a right to see his kids. But the reality is he visits with the oldest 12 year old on Wednesday for a few hours and then on Sunday he goes over to his (ex) mother in laws house around 12 to 2 and picks up either the 12 year old only or the 12 year old and the 3 year old together.. He then brings them back to the mother in laws house around 6 or 7.. So there are no overnights with him. On top of this he doesn't drive because of anxiety so if its really bad weather he will stay there at the mother in laws house..
Mind you on Wednesday he would pick up his kid(s) at the GF home and if it was bad weather he would stay there as well.
In all honesty I had to put my foot down with that one.. I wasn't happy one bit about it and was about to cut her loose over it.
So what happens now is she was looking to have a birthday party and I decided if he was going I wasn't.. The last time it was uncomfortable enough that even my 14 year old felt it..
The next day I changed my mind realizing I had to suck it up for her daughter.
Of course she had told her mother already and her mom was a bit upset she wasn't inviting him and of course the GF expressed he will be upset and probably not pay her for several weeks because of it.
I of course also told her I didn't want to be blamed for that and I didn't want to have an issue with her mother..
I also told her what if he ask to fvck you and you say no, will he stop paying you then ? So will you have to fvck him to play nice with him ?..
So I stressed to her get fvcking divorced and you won't have these issues of him holding child support over your head..
She of course now is upset even though I changed my mind to the right choice.
Her thoughts are I just want her to be miserable and hate him because I don't have a good relationship with my Ex..
I told her, you both don't have a good relationship. You both are just pretending to be friends and the real him and you will come out when you both go to court. THEN you will see how fake the both of you are with each other.. The only difference with me is I don't need or have the time to pretend with another adult..
I also expressed instead of making this bigger than it is, realize its a emotional issue I am dealing with and that she should be happy that I made the right choice for her kids sake.. And that I am doing something for her and her kids that I should be doing for my own kids and I am not..
Again I know its a HTH issue, I just decided to suck it up even though its eating me up inside..
I told her I want to know how you're gonna deal with my Ex when I have to make it right for my kids sake..
The kicker here is she pretty much admits it will be hard for her, but only because my wife left me and I wanted her to stay. Her fear is I still have feeling for my Ex.. I scoffed at it and called her nuts..
The reality is I know she would not be able to handle it.. She will go off the deep end.. I just know her..
So is there a right answer here.. Is it out of line to have separate parties ? I surely do it with my youngest, he has 2 parties.. As for my oldest its not an issue because my Ex hasn't spoken to him in a year and a half.. But that is another story..
To me I feel these are the things that happen when you're divorced.. It just separate lives now..
Because not every birthday party is going to be out someplace.. Some are going to be at home and since he really has no home, more than likely it would be my home..
I was tempted to reach out to his own GF to see how she feels about these things as well. But I know that could backfire bad on me. So it will be something that is thought but never said.
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