Firstly I should probably introduce my personal situation. Throughout my teenage years I had crushes on teachers, older actors, older work colleagues (I worked in homebase with a lot of older men), and just assumed that it was something that everyone goes through. I always joked with friends that I preferred much older men (40+), but just thought that it was the particular people that I thought were attractive and not their age.
Having got to 18 and never had or wanted a relationship with someone my age I realised that maybe I liked older men. I had decided to take a gap year before going to uni and so continued working at homebase and planned on travelling. The first boyfriend that I had was in the december of my gap year, he was 27 (much to my parents dismay). We went out for about 3 months before he took up a new job (I think he ditched me because he didn't want to create a bad impression to his new colleagues.) Around april I then went travelling to Australia, while over there for 5 months I got close to 3 men. The first was 26, and the second two were in their 40's, my relationship with the 26 year old was more of a romantic weekend as with a 42 year old called mark. But, in the last two months of my stay I got really close to a 41 year old man, whilst I was 19. I tried to stay longer, but I couldn't.
I started uni at the end of october and was miserable after having an amazing gap year, also I had been a year since I had spent time with people my age so I was really struggling. I spoke whenever I could with Andy (the 41 year old) and felt that I was 100% in love with him, however at around our 5/6 month mark I think he got bored and cut me off. Up until the end of the year I was miserable, didn't really have any friends and my grades were failing.
I am now coming towards the end of my second year at uni, my grades are better and I am happier with the friends that I now have, but I haven't had a serious relationship since Andy. I tried to date a boy in the year above (who was also 21, so not an older man). But I just got bored and irritated by him, I felt like such a bad person, but it just wasn't working for me.
I genuinely feel that I will never be happy in a relationship. I now feel the need to steer clear of older men because I got the feeling that I was just a factor in a mid life crisis or that I was just a bit of fun for the boys slightly older than me. Unless I can find someone my age who has my mentality and way of living, I don't think that I will ever be able to have a decent relationship.
My question is what do people think of girls who go for much older men? My family don't know about the men I dated because I know they would freak out, also I can't tell friends because I think they would think less of me, so I just let them think that I am a lonely person who doesn't like human affection.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment