I have posted on TAM a few times about my relationship with my H. Been married more than 4 years and have one young child. For the first few years, I tried hard to fit into "his" world. He married me because i was pregnant and needed the insurance. Marrying me didn't stop him from being in love with his ex, or telling her he was in love with her, but that fight happened a long time ago. He suggested church for us as a young family, so we started going. I tried to fit in, but I never quite worked with the mommy groups. He is a lot older than me, so the friends we had were his age and in his profession. We had one car, and I existed to be a mom and wife. After financial concerns forced me into working full time, I began making friends who were my age and finally I was able to see that I was not a failure at being a mother and wife, I was just a different kind of person. We didn't all have to love staying home and baking cookies and doing bible studies. It w as the first time I felt like I was back in my own skin. We started going out once a month as a way to relieve the stress of being full time workers and mothers. It was all good innocent fun. We drink and sing karaoke. At first my H seemed supportive. Then he started lashing out. Why did I need to go out with friends instead of spending time with him? (once a month) Why did I need to stay out late? (midnight, once a month) He doesn't have close friends, so he doesn't understand that I like to foster these relationships.
I have known we weren't "in love" for years, but we got along ok. He is moody and distant, and often left me alone with our child so he could work. But he is a good dad, and we have a decent life. But for the past few months, I have found myself realizing that he is unhappy as a person. No matter how hard I try, I will never make him happy. He has refused counseling, so he doesn't really want to be different. Every time we have a confrontation, he changes for a few days, and then goes back to how it was before.
This past week though, everything changed. One of my friends had a lot of really bad stuff happen to her, so I offered to take her out and cheer her up. My H seemed supportive. I told him I was taking her to dinner and then we would go do karaoke. He was ok with it. He took our child to a ball game, and everything seemed ok. My friend and I did a few too many shots early in the night, so we stayed later than usual to sober up. My H texted me starting at 10:30 asking where I was, so I was telling him we were ok, and we were drinking water and I'd be home in a little while. He texted me every twenty minutes. I responded to every text. When I drove home (completely sober by then), he called 5 times, but I didn't answer because I didn't want to be digging for my phone while driving and my bluetooth was switched off. It is less than a mile to my house anyway. So I got home and he was no where to be found, so I got undressed to take a shower. He came into the bathroom furious askin g where I'd been. He knew where I'd been because I texted him. Plus there were pics of us on FB by then, so he had photographic proof I was where I said I was. He started yelling that I didn't act like I cared, that he had to spend the "whole night" alone, etc. etc. I made a snide quiet comment about how he should find a girlfriend if he was that lonely, and he lost it. He grabbed my arms and pushed me all the way through the bathroom to the wall. I hit my head on the towel rack. I actually was genuinely terrified. He didn't continue after that. He ran out of steam. He went to bed at that point.
We have not spoken about it, but I also have avoided him as much as possible since then. I want to leave. I don't want to keep having this argument and I don't want to feel bad every single time I do something that I find to be fun. When I am around my H, I just want to sleep because the idea of talking to him is too draining. I find I am happier when I am left alone with our child than when we are all together.
I don't want to be the stereotypical woman who walks away, but I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I have no idea how to leave. How to tell him. And most importantly, how to break up my child's home.
I have known we weren't "in love" for years, but we got along ok. He is moody and distant, and often left me alone with our child so he could work. But he is a good dad, and we have a decent life. But for the past few months, I have found myself realizing that he is unhappy as a person. No matter how hard I try, I will never make him happy. He has refused counseling, so he doesn't really want to be different. Every time we have a confrontation, he changes for a few days, and then goes back to how it was before.
This past week though, everything changed. One of my friends had a lot of really bad stuff happen to her, so I offered to take her out and cheer her up. My H seemed supportive. I told him I was taking her to dinner and then we would go do karaoke. He was ok with it. He took our child to a ball game, and everything seemed ok. My friend and I did a few too many shots early in the night, so we stayed later than usual to sober up. My H texted me starting at 10:30 asking where I was, so I was telling him we were ok, and we were drinking water and I'd be home in a little while. He texted me every twenty minutes. I responded to every text. When I drove home (completely sober by then), he called 5 times, but I didn't answer because I didn't want to be digging for my phone while driving and my bluetooth was switched off. It is less than a mile to my house anyway. So I got home and he was no where to be found, so I got undressed to take a shower. He came into the bathroom furious askin g where I'd been. He knew where I'd been because I texted him. Plus there were pics of us on FB by then, so he had photographic proof I was where I said I was. He started yelling that I didn't act like I cared, that he had to spend the "whole night" alone, etc. etc. I made a snide quiet comment about how he should find a girlfriend if he was that lonely, and he lost it. He grabbed my arms and pushed me all the way through the bathroom to the wall. I hit my head on the towel rack. I actually was genuinely terrified. He didn't continue after that. He ran out of steam. He went to bed at that point.
We have not spoken about it, but I also have avoided him as much as possible since then. I want to leave. I don't want to keep having this argument and I don't want to feel bad every single time I do something that I find to be fun. When I am around my H, I just want to sleep because the idea of talking to him is too draining. I find I am happier when I am left alone with our child than when we are all together.
I don't want to be the stereotypical woman who walks away, but I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I have no idea how to leave. How to tell him. And most importantly, how to break up my child's home.
Put the internet to work for you.
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