Good day, and thank your for your kind attention. I strongly suspect my wife of cheating. I have a plan worked out for the immediate future and thought I would invite opinions. I have no recent proof, so I'm in yellow alert and waiting to gather some data. I've been learning a lot about handling this mess from the TAM community, let's see how well I've got it!
Married 12 years, we're 45 and 50, second marriage for both, no kids. She had an affair on me in 2003. So typical. I found out, denial, trying to protect the BF and eat cake, finally admitted it and kept her distance for a while. Over time, the cheater's fog seemed to clear and we got back to a happy relationship again. Years of no problems that I could tell. (During the affair she changed radically, in patterns common on TAM)
In the last few years, cracks have appeared. She's suggested we have threesomes (no), makes comments about open marriage, etc. She's pretty obviously been getting the swinger notions from a specific couple, friends from an old job. I know them both.
At a party two years ago, we were hanging out and the guy of the couple sits down and starts talking about how hot my wife is. I was pissed and annoyed and told him how inappropriate that was and his own wife was right over there, go hit on her. I figured him to just be creepy at the time, I was angry and didn't think it all the way through. Had I figured it out on the spot, there would have been an epic public shaming scene. The trick is, she didn't say anything. Not during "shut up you, I'm married", or afterward "wow, that was weird, why did he do that?". When we discussed it later it was plain how angry and rejecting I was, and she didn't argue. BUT, she didn't react because it wasn't a surprise. They had planned it, she was expecting it and hoping I'd say OK. As if!
So clearly this guy wants to screw her, she thinks that's awesome and the three of them hatch a plan to spring it on me, see if I'll go for it. DANGER DANGER DANGER, but it flew past me at the time. Duh, and damn! I'll never know if they did it or not, but I have little reason to believe they didn't. I'll never get the truth from her, so I have to let that lie and fester. If we survive the next months, it will have to be addressed or I'm gone.
I finally put the pieces of that incident together last week, and have been trying to figure things out since. I should charge for rides on the rollercoaster of screams I've been on.
Here's the critical point: I have no recent evidence of her cheating. That was a horrible betrayal, but it was two years ago, so I can only accuse. You know there's no point to that. On the other hand, I trust her not one bit now, nor anything she might say about it.
To complicate matters, her best friend recently divorced her 6-year husband for… infidelity! There's a small chance that brought it home, watching it devastate and destroy her friend's marriage. She may have backed off any cheating, I just don't know. But going to find out!
So! My plan is to act normal, gather intelligence and look for evidence of cheating. If I find it, collect enough for a good parlor scene and put our marriage on the line (I may skip directly to divorce, it depends). If not, and she's clean after some weeks… keep watching. We still have serious problems to solve, and I will be forcing those into the open with the same deal offered. We fix this, or the marriage is over.
Intelligence Gathering: I plan to have realtime GPS tracking in her car, use PRN location tracking on her phone, GPS logger in her carry bag, and a VAR in the car. I will geofence our home, her office, and any suspected tryst locations. That way I can chill until she's somewhere unexpected, then check her phone for verification. If she gets a ride with someone, the logger in her bag will show it later. If she leaves the car, phone and bag, she's off the grid, but I'm not too worried. Cheaters are sure of themselves, and I've worked hard to avoid warning her of my suspicions. I've been clearly upset for days, but I have other obvious things I can blame (my mother died horribly last year, for one). I can add more recorders, cameras, etc. at specific locations based on what my other surveillance finds (or not). By the way, I work a mile from home, she'd be insane to bring anyone there.
I don't know if the marriage can be saved, if she would want to, or even if I want her anymore. I would be asking her for many things she would resist. No more contact with THEM. Total openness and the knowledge that I'm watching her. I've spent over a decade on this marriage, I figure I can give it a last chance, but definitely on my terms. If I have to divorce her, I'm ready for that. if she's a disloyal serial cheater and likes it, then she's nobody I want to live with.
So that's my tale of woe and my plan for dealing with it. Does it sound like a reasonable plan, based on what I do and don't know? Does the initial surveillance sound effective?
Married 12 years, we're 45 and 50, second marriage for both, no kids. She had an affair on me in 2003. So typical. I found out, denial, trying to protect the BF and eat cake, finally admitted it and kept her distance for a while. Over time, the cheater's fog seemed to clear and we got back to a happy relationship again. Years of no problems that I could tell. (During the affair she changed radically, in patterns common on TAM)
In the last few years, cracks have appeared. She's suggested we have threesomes (no), makes comments about open marriage, etc. She's pretty obviously been getting the swinger notions from a specific couple, friends from an old job. I know them both.
At a party two years ago, we were hanging out and the guy of the couple sits down and starts talking about how hot my wife is. I was pissed and annoyed and told him how inappropriate that was and his own wife was right over there, go hit on her. I figured him to just be creepy at the time, I was angry and didn't think it all the way through. Had I figured it out on the spot, there would have been an epic public shaming scene. The trick is, she didn't say anything. Not during "shut up you, I'm married", or afterward "wow, that was weird, why did he do that?". When we discussed it later it was plain how angry and rejecting I was, and she didn't argue. BUT, she didn't react because it wasn't a surprise. They had planned it, she was expecting it and hoping I'd say OK. As if!
So clearly this guy wants to screw her, she thinks that's awesome and the three of them hatch a plan to spring it on me, see if I'll go for it. DANGER DANGER DANGER, but it flew past me at the time. Duh, and damn! I'll never know if they did it or not, but I have little reason to believe they didn't. I'll never get the truth from her, so I have to let that lie and fester. If we survive the next months, it will have to be addressed or I'm gone.
I finally put the pieces of that incident together last week, and have been trying to figure things out since. I should charge for rides on the rollercoaster of screams I've been on.
Here's the critical point: I have no recent evidence of her cheating. That was a horrible betrayal, but it was two years ago, so I can only accuse. You know there's no point to that. On the other hand, I trust her not one bit now, nor anything she might say about it.
To complicate matters, her best friend recently divorced her 6-year husband for… infidelity! There's a small chance that brought it home, watching it devastate and destroy her friend's marriage. She may have backed off any cheating, I just don't know. But going to find out!
So! My plan is to act normal, gather intelligence and look for evidence of cheating. If I find it, collect enough for a good parlor scene and put our marriage on the line (I may skip directly to divorce, it depends). If not, and she's clean after some weeks… keep watching. We still have serious problems to solve, and I will be forcing those into the open with the same deal offered. We fix this, or the marriage is over.
Intelligence Gathering: I plan to have realtime GPS tracking in her car, use PRN location tracking on her phone, GPS logger in her carry bag, and a VAR in the car. I will geofence our home, her office, and any suspected tryst locations. That way I can chill until she's somewhere unexpected, then check her phone for verification. If she gets a ride with someone, the logger in her bag will show it later. If she leaves the car, phone and bag, she's off the grid, but I'm not too worried. Cheaters are sure of themselves, and I've worked hard to avoid warning her of my suspicions. I've been clearly upset for days, but I have other obvious things I can blame (my mother died horribly last year, for one). I can add more recorders, cameras, etc. at specific locations based on what my other surveillance finds (or not). By the way, I work a mile from home, she'd be insane to bring anyone there.
I don't know if the marriage can be saved, if she would want to, or even if I want her anymore. I would be asking her for many things she would resist. No more contact with THEM. Total openness and the knowledge that I'm watching her. I've spent over a decade on this marriage, I figure I can give it a last chance, but definitely on my terms. If I have to divorce her, I'm ready for that. if she's a disloyal serial cheater and likes it, then she's nobody I want to live with.
So that's my tale of woe and my plan for dealing with it. Does it sound like a reasonable plan, based on what I do and don't know? Does the initial surveillance sound effective?
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