Hey everyone,
First time poster here…please bear with me as I think this post is gonna be a bit long.
The short of it all is that I'm very tired of my wife's controlling behaviors. I feel like I'm at my wits end. We've been married a little bit over 13 years now (with 2 small children). At the beginning of the relationship, I thought she was just a bit demanding or assertive or whatever else you might want to call it. However, looking back on it all now, I can see the pattern of controlling behavior quite clearly. I don't know what to do about it.
The largest example of this behavior is our finances. She is in full control of them. One article I read online would describe her as a 'financial bully.' We have one checking account and both of our salaries get deposited there (an arrangement of her choosing, of course). She pretty much decides how the money is divided up, how/when bills are paid, how much money to save, etc. I do get to look at the financial records with her, though, but any decision making is squarely in her court and I'm only presented with the illusion of any sort of choice in the matter.
I get hassled over some of my activity on the account (nothing abusive or reckless, mind you). Meanwhile, she can pretty much spend whatever she wants, but I don't hassle her in the same way. I've wanted to switch us over to a '3 checking account system (2 individual and 1 joint) for a while now. When I mentioned it, she freaked out and basically told me that it would be a seriously major problem for her if that happened (relationship-ending problem, as I interpreted it). It's money I earn, so I feel like I should have a larger say in its usage.
In the past, I've also offered to take over doing the finances. She works a lot and I thought the stress was getting to her, but she didn't want to let go of doing it. Clearly, she either likes having that control or doesn't trust me to do it 'properly'.
Other examples of controlling behavior:
She likes to basically tell me 'no' all the time. If I ask to go hang out with some co-workers for an hour or so after work…I hear 'no'. My friend at work laughed at me the other day and said that my wife doesn't ever let me out. So I don't even do that anymore.
I used to sometimes go workout after work a couple of days a week, but I've basically been denied from doing that because she doesn't like to be left alone with the kids for any longer than she has to (even though I watch them on my own very often because of her busy work schedule).
If I want to buy something…also a 'no'. This has changed somewhat recently. Sometimes, she won't say 'no' directly anymore but instead use a guilt trip to 'convince' me not to buy something. Even recently, I asked about purchasing something and she said 'no' because we needed to save money. The next day I get home from work, I see a department store shopping bag sitting on the couch with purses in them. I was so mad, but I didn't say anything.
She gives me the remote control after flipping channels, then I put something I want to watch on, and she complains about it until I change it to something she wants to watch. Lately, I've just given the remote back to her.
She tells me that I'm not 'allowed' to change jobs if I wanted to. What does it matter if I get a new job? I don't switch them often, I'm responsible, and I'd never do anything to put our family in financial jeopardy. It shouldn't matter to her where I work as long as I'm meeting my obligations.
She even exhibits this type of behavior with her other family members (siblings and parents), often telling them what they can and can't do.
She's also extremely jealous, something I admit that she's gotten better about, but it still surfaces from time to time. I've never cheated during my entire marriage, so I don't understand that.
I feel back for not noticing these things sooner. It's taken me a lot longer to notice the pattern that I would care to admit, but there you have it. I also know that I'm partially to blame, as I should have been more vocal and assertive, but I never did that. I guess I was scared of angering her or of her leaving.
I'm not even sure about how I feel about her anymore. I do have some affection towards her, but love? I don't know anymore. I'm not even excited or happy to see her when she or I get home. Maybe it's in there somewhere, but I feel like it's buried under a bunch of resentment and frustration. I think if I were childless, I would have left already. But I love my kids immensely and can't imagine being without them, so I feel like I'm in a bit of a bind.
So…I don't know what to do or even how to approach her with the subject. Financial counseling? Marriage counseling? Divorce? What's best for me and the kids? So many questions and I feel overwhelmed. If it's a divorce that's coming, I don't want to get raked over the coals (even though she makes a lot more money than I do). I'd probably still end up paying child support and losing custody.
If nothing else, thank you for reading this far and allowing me to vent for a bit. I'm looking for any advice you all could offer because I don't know who else to talk to about this at this point.
First time poster here…please bear with me as I think this post is gonna be a bit long.
The short of it all is that I'm very tired of my wife's controlling behaviors. I feel like I'm at my wits end. We've been married a little bit over 13 years now (with 2 small children). At the beginning of the relationship, I thought she was just a bit demanding or assertive or whatever else you might want to call it. However, looking back on it all now, I can see the pattern of controlling behavior quite clearly. I don't know what to do about it.
The largest example of this behavior is our finances. She is in full control of them. One article I read online would describe her as a 'financial bully.' We have one checking account and both of our salaries get deposited there (an arrangement of her choosing, of course). She pretty much decides how the money is divided up, how/when bills are paid, how much money to save, etc. I do get to look at the financial records with her, though, but any decision making is squarely in her court and I'm only presented with the illusion of any sort of choice in the matter.
I get hassled over some of my activity on the account (nothing abusive or reckless, mind you). Meanwhile, she can pretty much spend whatever she wants, but I don't hassle her in the same way. I've wanted to switch us over to a '3 checking account system (2 individual and 1 joint) for a while now. When I mentioned it, she freaked out and basically told me that it would be a seriously major problem for her if that happened (relationship-ending problem, as I interpreted it). It's money I earn, so I feel like I should have a larger say in its usage.
In the past, I've also offered to take over doing the finances. She works a lot and I thought the stress was getting to her, but she didn't want to let go of doing it. Clearly, she either likes having that control or doesn't trust me to do it 'properly'.
Other examples of controlling behavior:
She likes to basically tell me 'no' all the time. If I ask to go hang out with some co-workers for an hour or so after work…I hear 'no'. My friend at work laughed at me the other day and said that my wife doesn't ever let me out. So I don't even do that anymore.
I used to sometimes go workout after work a couple of days a week, but I've basically been denied from doing that because she doesn't like to be left alone with the kids for any longer than she has to (even though I watch them on my own very often because of her busy work schedule).
If I want to buy something…also a 'no'. This has changed somewhat recently. Sometimes, she won't say 'no' directly anymore but instead use a guilt trip to 'convince' me not to buy something. Even recently, I asked about purchasing something and she said 'no' because we needed to save money. The next day I get home from work, I see a department store shopping bag sitting on the couch with purses in them. I was so mad, but I didn't say anything.
She gives me the remote control after flipping channels, then I put something I want to watch on, and she complains about it until I change it to something she wants to watch. Lately, I've just given the remote back to her.
She tells me that I'm not 'allowed' to change jobs if I wanted to. What does it matter if I get a new job? I don't switch them often, I'm responsible, and I'd never do anything to put our family in financial jeopardy. It shouldn't matter to her where I work as long as I'm meeting my obligations.
She even exhibits this type of behavior with her other family members (siblings and parents), often telling them what they can and can't do.
She's also extremely jealous, something I admit that she's gotten better about, but it still surfaces from time to time. I've never cheated during my entire marriage, so I don't understand that.
I feel back for not noticing these things sooner. It's taken me a lot longer to notice the pattern that I would care to admit, but there you have it. I also know that I'm partially to blame, as I should have been more vocal and assertive, but I never did that. I guess I was scared of angering her or of her leaving.
I'm not even sure about how I feel about her anymore. I do have some affection towards her, but love? I don't know anymore. I'm not even excited or happy to see her when she or I get home. Maybe it's in there somewhere, but I feel like it's buried under a bunch of resentment and frustration. I think if I were childless, I would have left already. But I love my kids immensely and can't imagine being without them, so I feel like I'm in a bit of a bind.
So…I don't know what to do or even how to approach her with the subject. Financial counseling? Marriage counseling? Divorce? What's best for me and the kids? So many questions and I feel overwhelmed. If it's a divorce that's coming, I don't want to get raked over the coals (even though she makes a lot more money than I do). I'd probably still end up paying child support and losing custody.
If nothing else, thank you for reading this far and allowing me to vent for a bit. I'm looking for any advice you all could offer because I don't know who else to talk to about this at this point.
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