Ok so I am new to TAM. However, I have seen many of the posts and think this is the place I can rant about my marriage or get advice.
So- first a little history on my marriage.
We have been married for 7 years but together for 14 years. We have survived many bad situations. Many of them have made us stronger, many have caused futurer issues. Niether of us is perfect in the situation but one of us has changed for the better, the other has also changed but not so good.
The first ten years of our marriage was spent with him trying to cheat on me. And I say trying because to this day he insists he never has actually cheated on me but I still am not sure if I believe that or not. There have been several instances including me finding a used condom in his car several years ago, my best freind telling me that he came to her work and offered to have sex with her, my friends from my former job telling me he was calling them to "chat". I found texts on his phone to a former "freind" saying things like I want to see you, and he was planning a camping trip with his cousin and was telling her then that he wanted to see her the night he was supposed to go with his cousin "camping". Other intances of hurt and anguish include the first year we were together I thought I was pregnant, I was a teen so I didnt know for sure, I just thought I was. I asked him to meet me somewhere to discuss it and he stood me up. That night I broke up with him and told h im I would meet him at my then work to get his stuff. He begged and pleaded with me (including crying) to not break up with him. So i stayed. Fast forward ten years through more fighting, bickering, including physical things where he would block my way or hold me down on the bed to not let me leave an argument, several years of therapy for both of us, and three kids later. Here we are 14 years later. I, through therapy have improved myself, I stopped being so controlling and acting like his mother. Stopped getting mad when he would lie to me, and in response it improved out relationship. He stopped lying to me about things because I stopped getting mad. So, now, we have three children, still more instances, including one in the past couple of years where he chocked me. He hasnt ever actually hit me in anger. This is the first time he has ever actually hurt me also. I kicked him out this time and he hasnt done it since. So now, I make more money than he does or is capable of. So I work and he stays home with the kids. Our marriage is better because I have worked my butt off to make our lives better. The issue now is that he treats me like i am his mom or an authority figure, not doing anything without my ok. He has little to no self esteem or confidence. He doesnt act like a grown up, has no passion for life or even to do his part in our lives together. I tell him constantly that I am not his boss, not his mom, when he tries to put me in that role. He is depressed, thinks he is bipolar, is going to therapy. on medications. etc. (I dont think he is bipolar, he never has the high that is mentioned in every book I have read) However, I am struggling with just surviving with him. He is a burden, not a partner. He acts like a child, i tell him to get a job if he wants to get a job, to start a hobby, go back to the gym, do what he needs to do to be happy. I tell him the one thing I am not going to do is be his mother or boss, and he will not ride on my coat tails through life anymore. He has been just riding through life on my coat tails in that I am improving myself, getting my MBA, in my career, doing well in life, and he is not. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from him because I feel like I have given all I can to him and our relationship. I dont leave him because I am at a crossroads of what is better for our children? To have parents who can most of the time get along and love eachother most of the time, or to not have thier dad. To have a dad who is possibly bipolar, depressed and does not have any skills, that they see lie and do odd things, or to not have a dad? Our son doesnt really respect him, and they all argue with him because he acts as if he is the same age as them or on the same level with them. But they all love him very much. He is a good daddy to them and shows his love for them. My current stance on my marriage is just to act as if I am not married. I am not out there looking for another man or anything but I am just doing me. I am working on me still and leaving him behind. I have discussed this with him and we have discussed this many times. I am getting tired of hearing him constantly complain about everything but he never does anything about the things he complains about. Ugh, I just dont know what I should do. There is more to the story but I think this is long enough. :confused:
So- first a little history on my marriage.
We have been married for 7 years but together for 14 years. We have survived many bad situations. Many of them have made us stronger, many have caused futurer issues. Niether of us is perfect in the situation but one of us has changed for the better, the other has also changed but not so good.
The first ten years of our marriage was spent with him trying to cheat on me. And I say trying because to this day he insists he never has actually cheated on me but I still am not sure if I believe that or not. There have been several instances including me finding a used condom in his car several years ago, my best freind telling me that he came to her work and offered to have sex with her, my friends from my former job telling me he was calling them to "chat". I found texts on his phone to a former "freind" saying things like I want to see you, and he was planning a camping trip with his cousin and was telling her then that he wanted to see her the night he was supposed to go with his cousin "camping". Other intances of hurt and anguish include the first year we were together I thought I was pregnant, I was a teen so I didnt know for sure, I just thought I was. I asked him to meet me somewhere to discuss it and he stood me up. That night I broke up with him and told h im I would meet him at my then work to get his stuff. He begged and pleaded with me (including crying) to not break up with him. So i stayed. Fast forward ten years through more fighting, bickering, including physical things where he would block my way or hold me down on the bed to not let me leave an argument, several years of therapy for both of us, and three kids later. Here we are 14 years later. I, through therapy have improved myself, I stopped being so controlling and acting like his mother. Stopped getting mad when he would lie to me, and in response it improved out relationship. He stopped lying to me about things because I stopped getting mad. So, now, we have three children, still more instances, including one in the past couple of years where he chocked me. He hasnt ever actually hit me in anger. This is the first time he has ever actually hurt me also. I kicked him out this time and he hasnt done it since. So now, I make more money than he does or is capable of. So I work and he stays home with the kids. Our marriage is better because I have worked my butt off to make our lives better. The issue now is that he treats me like i am his mom or an authority figure, not doing anything without my ok. He has little to no self esteem or confidence. He doesnt act like a grown up, has no passion for life or even to do his part in our lives together. I tell him constantly that I am not his boss, not his mom, when he tries to put me in that role. He is depressed, thinks he is bipolar, is going to therapy. on medications. etc. (I dont think he is bipolar, he never has the high that is mentioned in every book I have read) However, I am struggling with just surviving with him. He is a burden, not a partner. He acts like a child, i tell him to get a job if he wants to get a job, to start a hobby, go back to the gym, do what he needs to do to be happy. I tell him the one thing I am not going to do is be his mother or boss, and he will not ride on my coat tails through life anymore. He has been just riding through life on my coat tails in that I am improving myself, getting my MBA, in my career, doing well in life, and he is not. I find myself pulling farther and farther away from him because I feel like I have given all I can to him and our relationship. I dont leave him because I am at a crossroads of what is better for our children? To have parents who can most of the time get along and love eachother most of the time, or to not have thier dad. To have a dad who is possibly bipolar, depressed and does not have any skills, that they see lie and do odd things, or to not have a dad? Our son doesnt really respect him, and they all argue with him because he acts as if he is the same age as them or on the same level with them. But they all love him very much. He is a good daddy to them and shows his love for them. My current stance on my marriage is just to act as if I am not married. I am not out there looking for another man or anything but I am just doing me. I am working on me still and leaving him behind. I have discussed this with him and we have discussed this many times. I am getting tired of hearing him constantly complain about everything but he never does anything about the things he complains about. Ugh, I just dont know what I should do. There is more to the story but I think this is long enough. :confused:
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