I have been a reader here for a little while. I've been reading advice and such online hoping to find some insight regarding pulling my marriage out of the gutter.
My wife and I have been married 11 yrs, together 14. We have a 9 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son.
When we met we clicked instantly. The first words I ever spoke to her were a compliment and they were genuine, not a come on. She is easy to compliment, easy to love, easy to admire and respect.
When we were married 2 yrs she landed in the hospital for a week, diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. Luckily for her, the symptoms have been well under control ever since and so it has not really changed life for her or me.
In 2013, she landed in the hospital again. This time she was diagnosed with a nastier auto-immune disorder and we weren't sure for a little while there if we'd lose her or not. It was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I was strong and supportive for her, never missing a day at the hospital despite the burdens of work, house, kids.
Our marriage has been marred by a very poor sex life for roughly 6-7 yrs. I do not have an excessive sex drive, but she has absolutely none. She also has no willingness to provide sex out of any sense of marital obligation. For the last 3 yrs or so, I have been lucky to have sex perhaps 6-8 times a year.
I deal with this, though. Sex is not the only component of marriage and not the only thing about her that I love. However, it grates on me that she won't work on it or even offer any explanation or excuses. She is comfortable telling me flatly that she just isn't interested. This bothers me in particular because I am not a man who has a lot of needs. Sex is basically my only need and I don't really understand how a person can blatantly and unapologetically ignore the only need their spouse has. I am not a man who needs to go out with the guys, have a fast car or a truck or power tools or expensive hobbies or whatever. I love family life and I prefer spending my time with my family, as does she.
Now, I went through all this about our sex life because it requires being out there to understand the whole picture, but I really really don't want to imply that lack of sex is ruining our marriage.
In fact, more importantly to me, she is distant and seemingly uninterested in me. I often feel like she barely thinks about me. I go out of my way to let her know how I feel about her and to compliment her on a variety of things, not just compliments on her looks. But she never seems to even notice me except for practical purposes. She never talks sweetly to me, never compliments me, never offers me a kiss. She is passionate about our kids, but she shows no such passion regarding me or our relationship. I feel alone and neglected. It feels more like a living arrangement than a marriage.
I want to ask her to tell me how she feels about me and to tell her that I feel alone. My hunch is that will come across confrontational and she'll assume its about sex even if I tell her that's not really at the root of it. I want to ask her if she has become distant because she has needs that I am failing to recognize and accommodate.
Really feeling low and not very confident about our relationship.
My wife and I have been married 11 yrs, together 14. We have a 9 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son.
When we met we clicked instantly. The first words I ever spoke to her were a compliment and they were genuine, not a come on. She is easy to compliment, easy to love, easy to admire and respect.
When we were married 2 yrs she landed in the hospital for a week, diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. Luckily for her, the symptoms have been well under control ever since and so it has not really changed life for her or me.
In 2013, she landed in the hospital again. This time she was diagnosed with a nastier auto-immune disorder and we weren't sure for a little while there if we'd lose her or not. It was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I was strong and supportive for her, never missing a day at the hospital despite the burdens of work, house, kids.
Our marriage has been marred by a very poor sex life for roughly 6-7 yrs. I do not have an excessive sex drive, but she has absolutely none. She also has no willingness to provide sex out of any sense of marital obligation. For the last 3 yrs or so, I have been lucky to have sex perhaps 6-8 times a year.
I deal with this, though. Sex is not the only component of marriage and not the only thing about her that I love. However, it grates on me that she won't work on it or even offer any explanation or excuses. She is comfortable telling me flatly that she just isn't interested. This bothers me in particular because I am not a man who has a lot of needs. Sex is basically my only need and I don't really understand how a person can blatantly and unapologetically ignore the only need their spouse has. I am not a man who needs to go out with the guys, have a fast car or a truck or power tools or expensive hobbies or whatever. I love family life and I prefer spending my time with my family, as does she.
Now, I went through all this about our sex life because it requires being out there to understand the whole picture, but I really really don't want to imply that lack of sex is ruining our marriage.
In fact, more importantly to me, she is distant and seemingly uninterested in me. I often feel like she barely thinks about me. I go out of my way to let her know how I feel about her and to compliment her on a variety of things, not just compliments on her looks. But she never seems to even notice me except for practical purposes. She never talks sweetly to me, never compliments me, never offers me a kiss. She is passionate about our kids, but she shows no such passion regarding me or our relationship. I feel alone and neglected. It feels more like a living arrangement than a marriage.
I want to ask her to tell me how she feels about me and to tell her that I feel alone. My hunch is that will come across confrontational and she'll assume its about sex even if I tell her that's not really at the root of it. I want to ask her if she has become distant because she has needs that I am failing to recognize and accommodate.
Really feeling low and not very confident about our relationship.
Put the internet to work for you.
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