I feel a bit guilty/self indulgent even posting about this. There are a lot of people suffering from ongoing issues and I hate to distract from that.
My wife and I have been married for 10 going on 11 years. We have a 7 yr old son. We are mostly happy. We deal with the normal stresses of a marriage with children.
9 years ago I found a text message on my wife's phone (isn't that the way it goes?). It was from her "friend" that she worked with (how cliche'). He said a few things that were kinda familiar such as "thinking of you" and one time he said "I want to hold you". My heart froze. I immediately confronted her. Told her not to front that I knew she was cheating on me.
Side note: This guy is 15 yrs older than and her straight up ugly. That's not a subjective statement. There is nobody that would find him attractive (except maybe my wife). Without any measure of vanity I can honestly say I am much better looking than him. Also he is a known habitual liar. He told tall tales all the time. So far fetched I felt embarrassed for him. I never imagined my wife would have an affair with him. It was beyond all possibilities.
Back to the story... She admitted to an EA and that she had let him kiss her once. (yeah right). I desperately wanted to believe that, don't we all in those moments? They didn't spend much time around each other, usually at work. Their work environment didn't allow much privacy. There is a good chance that this IS all that happened...
I didn't have any support at the time. I didn't know what to do. She was too embarrassed and hateful at the time to show true remorse. She immediately went into the "I don't know if we should stay together" mode. From D day I was thrown into the role as the one trying to save our marriage and honestly I was more motivated by pride than love.
I didn't know about the 180. I didn't have enough support to call her bluff. In hindsight I know for sure she would have backed down but I showed too much weakness. She had no reason to work hard to reconcile. They continued to work together for 2 more weeks. I made life pretty miserable for him thru some indirect threats and other methods. (too many to go into). My wife said I was causing her problems by picking her up from work. She worked in a coffee shop so it's not like I was going into an office environment. She asked me to stop coming by. It was the last straw. I told her I hope she was happy with him and to eff off. She immediately started crying and from that moment onward she worked very hard to reconcile.
But I was never satisfied that I knew everything that happened. My questioning was relentless. She didn't trickle truth. She stayed on point. The only additional info I got was why it happened. He gave her attention and praise. (of course)
For 3 or 4 years I interrogated her often. I just couldn't leave it alone. After awhile I realized I wasn't getting anywhere and it only served to emotionally beat her up. I could tell the pain I was causing her and I just stopped. It wasn't productive.
However 9 years later I still wrestle with these questions. Sometimes I look at her and just want her to drop dead. She's a good wife but I still get triggered. Most of all I resent her for making me try to "win her back" when I was the one who had been wronged. If I had had TAM back then I know things would have gone differently. I wouldn't have confronted her until I got the full story. I would have went dark and made her examine herself instead of blaming myself. I don't know what I could do to improve the situation. I think I'm just dealing with the natural consequences of "rugsweeping".
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for reading.
My wife and I have been married for 10 going on 11 years. We have a 7 yr old son. We are mostly happy. We deal with the normal stresses of a marriage with children.
9 years ago I found a text message on my wife's phone (isn't that the way it goes?). It was from her "friend" that she worked with (how cliche'). He said a few things that were kinda familiar such as "thinking of you" and one time he said "I want to hold you". My heart froze. I immediately confronted her. Told her not to front that I knew she was cheating on me.
Side note: This guy is 15 yrs older than and her straight up ugly. That's not a subjective statement. There is nobody that would find him attractive (except maybe my wife). Without any measure of vanity I can honestly say I am much better looking than him. Also he is a known habitual liar. He told tall tales all the time. So far fetched I felt embarrassed for him. I never imagined my wife would have an affair with him. It was beyond all possibilities.
Back to the story... She admitted to an EA and that she had let him kiss her once. (yeah right). I desperately wanted to believe that, don't we all in those moments? They didn't spend much time around each other, usually at work. Their work environment didn't allow much privacy. There is a good chance that this IS all that happened...
I didn't have any support at the time. I didn't know what to do. She was too embarrassed and hateful at the time to show true remorse. She immediately went into the "I don't know if we should stay together" mode. From D day I was thrown into the role as the one trying to save our marriage and honestly I was more motivated by pride than love.
I didn't know about the 180. I didn't have enough support to call her bluff. In hindsight I know for sure she would have backed down but I showed too much weakness. She had no reason to work hard to reconcile. They continued to work together for 2 more weeks. I made life pretty miserable for him thru some indirect threats and other methods. (too many to go into). My wife said I was causing her problems by picking her up from work. She worked in a coffee shop so it's not like I was going into an office environment. She asked me to stop coming by. It was the last straw. I told her I hope she was happy with him and to eff off. She immediately started crying and from that moment onward she worked very hard to reconcile.
But I was never satisfied that I knew everything that happened. My questioning was relentless. She didn't trickle truth. She stayed on point. The only additional info I got was why it happened. He gave her attention and praise. (of course)
For 3 or 4 years I interrogated her often. I just couldn't leave it alone. After awhile I realized I wasn't getting anywhere and it only served to emotionally beat her up. I could tell the pain I was causing her and I just stopped. It wasn't productive.
However 9 years later I still wrestle with these questions. Sometimes I look at her and just want her to drop dead. She's a good wife but I still get triggered. Most of all I resent her for making me try to "win her back" when I was the one who had been wronged. If I had had TAM back then I know things would have gone differently. I wouldn't have confronted her until I got the full story. I would have went dark and made her examine herself instead of blaming myself. I don't know what I could do to improve the situation. I think I'm just dealing with the natural consequences of "rugsweeping".
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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