bad day; need to vent

I'm really having a rough day and need to vent. The wife moved out on the 21st and i haven't cried in a few days. Last week i was crying every few hours at work... I don't remember why now, but i've been better. She moved out Sunday and she showed up to our previously scheduled MC on Wednesday. I was so hurt she moved out that i went in loaded for bear and ripped her up and down. The session was pretty much a scream fest between us. Two statements stand out in my head that i said in anger. The first was, "You know, i woke up in the middle of the night and i wanted to miss you, but i realized that even if you were there you would be checked out.' The other thing i said what that during the day (no kids) i started to feel sorry for myself and stopped because i knew she'd just be screwing around on her phone instead of being active in the household. We had a quick meeting to exchange kids that Friday and she told me how much those words hurt. I guess last night she was saying the same thing. There was an awkwardness between us that i've never felt before in our 8 years of marriage and it scared me. I was NC the first week because i was so mad at her for abandoning us (thought it was selfish because of the kids and the house), but not so much this week. Over the weekend she acknowledged that she's not doing well; dropping weight, depressed, slept all weekend (was beautiful in MD) and that anyone else in her situation would be going out with friends, drinking, whatever. She had a funeral to attend near our house yesterday so around 9.30 last night she stopped by (i had suggested it). As soon as she walked in the house it was awkward and I knew that we were broken. I'm the most optimistic person i know and even i felt like there was a big chance we weren't going to get back together. She was putting off some kind of vibe that was hurtful in and of itself. The space between us wasn't cold or icy... i don't know how to describe it, but if we were at a bar and i felt that coming from someone i would stop mid-sentence and walk away. I tried to hug and i got the crossed arms. We had okay small talk about the kids and jobs. I only pressed a little bit to see where her head was and she said (started laughing; don't know if it was nervous laughter or 'i'm having a good day so i'm strong' laughter) that it was her turn to be mad at me for a while. I know i just have to wait. Like i said, i'm just venting. I cried after i dropped the kids off at daycare this morning and i cried at work. It's going to be a rough day.

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