Internet "Love"

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I decided I should ask for advice, since I saw Gazzer86's thread and how you helped him out. I'm only 19 years old and this is the first time I've had such strong feelings with anyone ever. Also I'm Finnish so my english might not be the best. So I met a girl online while playing an mmorpg, we got close and we always had fun playing together, she would always wait for me to get online to play the game with her. We were like that for about 2 months. She would sometimes flirt with me while we were playing the game and the more we played together the more I started to like her. Suddenly one day when we were alone in one of the voice channels, she started telling me about her past and what she's been through, she told me some really painful things like that she had a eating disorder and that she's really afraid of men for a reason, but she wouldn't tell me why just yet. I felt like she started to trust me alot back then. I didn't even ask her why she trusted me so much that she would tell me such things, but later she stated that she's easily trusts people for some reason. After she started trusting me we started playing even more together and I think I fell for her after that, we were flirting with eachother more than usual. We got so close that I wouldn't even consider playing without her. And then one night I just couldn't keep my feelings inside me, so I confessed to her that I really liked her. She didn't believe me and asked if I was joking and that someone has played a joke like that on her before. I convinced her that I wasn't joking and after that she told me why she is afraid of men. Her ex boyfriend had been abusing her, beating her, calling her names, raping her etc. Then she said that she was afraid of me when she first heard my voice, because my voice was similiar to her ex boyfriends. But after she played with me for a while she got over it and wasn't scared of my voice anymore. And about my confession she said that she doesn't know how to deal with this, because she want's everyone to like her, but at the same time she gets very scared if someone actually likes her, because she is afraid that she gets too close and gets hurt, like she did with her ex. Then after that she didn't give me time to respond but she told more. That she had mental ilnessess like depression, panic disorder and avoidant personality disorder. After she told me all that I felt really sad and for some reason I ignored it and asked her what she thought of me. She said that I'm really stupid if I like her, but playing with me was the most pleasant thing to happen to her for a long time and that she really enjoys my company. And that she doesn't know how she feels about me. She also told me I was very brave that I told her about my feelings and she said she would never have the courage to tell someone she likes about her feelings. Then I started kind of pressuring her and she confessed that she waited for me every day to get online, so she could be with me, even just talking was fine for her and that she has stayed up late many times because of me. And after I pressured her a bit more and told her to be honest to me, she said that she really liked me before I confessed my feelings to her, but now she's scared. The next day she starts a conversation with me and asks for my facebook, but because I don't have one (I don't have one for personal reasons.) She told me to atleast show her my picture, I did and she didn't comment it much, she just said I look fine and that she herself looks like a monster. She wouldn't want to show her pictures at first, but after I pressured her a bit she finally did, but none of them showed her face or they were too full of light to see clearly, overall bad pictures. I thought she was very beautiful, based on those pictures and she told me that I wouldn't think the same if she showed me better pictures of herself. So she showed me a bit more clear pictures of herself, but still no clear picture of her face. I told her that she didn't look as good in those, but she was still very beautiful. Then she started insisting that I think she's ugly and I spent the next hour trying to convince her that she is beautiful. I still don't know if she believed me or not . And later that day I let her know that I just didn't ignore what she told about her ex and the mental illnesses, but that I was just in a shock after all that and she understood me, I tried to comfort her, but she just got really embarrassed and didn't want me to worry. After all this we still played together and had fun, acted like that confession never happened and sometimes I would tell her how much I liked her, but she told me to stop because she couldn't take it when I was telling how I feel about her. I don't understand why she didn't want to know about my feelings. After I couldn't tell her how I felt anymore I started getting stressed and afraid that I would lose her. I started doubting if confessing to her was the right thing to do. Our relationship started getting colder and colder and then sometimes it would spark up and she would talk to me nonstop and then again she would get colder. This kind of thing really started breaking me apart. I was already thinking about her alot, but now I was thinking about her even more, to the point when I couldn't even sleep or study properly, because I was thinking about all the things she said to me and how she reacted to what I said or did. So week after my confession I couldn't once again hold it in anymore, I told her that I was hurting because of her. At that point I couldn't tell why I was hurting, but I guess it was just because I felt like I had done a horrible mistake and was losing her and/or that she couldn't give me a straight answer and I felt like she really liked me alot just like I did like her. She started apologizing her existence and she even suggested that she leaves me alone forever and even leaves the guild we were both in. After she said all that I was hurting so badly that I just cried and told her I didn't want to live without her either but I couldn't live with the pain. After this incident she started avoiding me little by little, talking to me less than before. Then after a week she said she got bored to the mmorpg we were playing and started playing other games with a guy from our guild, they played different games together for a whole week, I was so jealous I never had been this jealo us in my life. After that week was over she once again talked to me and she had missed me. We talked about my feelings, how crazy it was to like someone over the internet so intensively without having physical contant at all and she ended up telling me that she had met the guy she had played games for that week irl and they had kissed and been together, but were not a boyfriend and a girlfriend, because the boy had broken up recently and this girl had this ex boyfriend problem. That night I felt like I could do a suicide, because at that point my feelings for this girl were so strong that I felt like there was nobody else I could ever love and have a future with. But instead of telling that made me feel so crap I just pretended that it was a good thing. I told her that it was a huge relief and that they fit together. After I said that, she started denying that they don't have anything like that, she just wanted some physical contact. And she asked if I was really ok with this and I told her that it's fine and that she should go for him. Then she tried to make the mood a bit lighter by saying: "So you would be happy if I got laid? :P" to which I don't remember what I responded as I was feeling so depressed, angry, dissapointed and frustrated. But I probably lied about it too. After I tried to go to sleep I couldn't sleep at all. The next morning after 2 hours of sleep when I woke up I just felt so empty that I didn't care if anything happened to me, so I thought I might aswell tell her everything. I told her that I lied last night and that I never felt so bad in my life as I did last night. She was extremely upset by all this and started apologizing once again which only made everything worse and she once again asked if I wanted her to leave me alone. I told her once again that I can't live without her and she stopped there. The next day was monday, I went to school and reality hit me hard when I was told I wasn't gonna make it if I didn't stop skipping school. At this point I decided that I need to start avoiding her, which I did my best, but always when I was going to sleep she would want to talk to me, but I just said goodnight to her and left for the first few days, but on thursday night, just as I was going to sleep she asked me if I was ok and if I was still hurting. I told her that I've been trying to avoid her for the week. She seemed really dissapointed after I told her that I was trying to get over her because my feelings for her were starting to affect my life really badly. On friday I had a long talk with my friend about all this and my friend made me realize that maybe she still doesn't believe anything that I've told her. That she hasn't taken me seriously. So I asked her directly and she told me that my friend was correct, she still doesn't believe that I like her because falling for a girl over the internet to her is impossible and especially falling for her, because she has such a low self esteem. And she started asking me what else I had been talking about me and her with my friend. So I asked why she want's to know and she wouldn't give me a reason she would just want to know because she was involved.

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