When is Jealousy Normal... When is 'Change' Too Much?

Hey Guys, I've been on the fence for a while, trying to learn as much as possible from the forum, while deciding if I should ask public questions about my relationship here. After reading so many great posts, though, I still haven't got a clear perspective on my own marriage. So I will go ahead and describe the situation, and hope for your honest feedback. The basics: I'm 46, W is 44. 2 kids, both in high school. Son has a learning disability, he's a little behind. I work as an engineer, W is in healthcare. We've known each other since high school, but started dating in college. It's been a wonderful 19 years, even if the last year hasn't been my favorite. W and I are both friendly, hardworking people. We generally like our jobs and have a good circle of friends. The kids take prioty. We're very proud. I don't care if it's a cliche, W and I are also best friends. Neither of us dated many other people, but I wouldn't be happier with anyone else. So what's the problem? Over a year ago, W had her hours cut back at work. This happened without warning, and she took it badly. There were a couple months of listless, unsocial behavior. Mild depression, maybe. I was worried. Fortunately, W took steps to climb out of the hole. She experimented with going to the gym, which was a first. She also used the time away from work to take local classes - cooking, computers, etc. Finally, she got into reading a number of self-help books, most of them dealing with "the Secret" and Law of Attraction. Problem solved? This is where my confusion starts. W is clearly happier now. My question is: could her happiness be a threat to our marraige? The most obvious change in W comes from working out, which she's kept doing regularly. W dropped 40 lbs. That's a big development, since she was never in great shape, even when we were young. As a man, I do get certain benefits out of the situation. I'm more physically attracted to her, and more inclined to plan "romantic" evenings. Our love life has always been affectionate, but not necessarily hot. I think it's good to have a little more chemistry in the mix. There's an emotional benefit for her, too. W is normally a gregarious person. Over the last year, though, she's also become confident and assertive, which are new qualities for her. These days, W makes the most of her slim figure by wearing nicer clothes. Fashion wasn't a priority in the past, but now she enjoys putting together nice outfits - both for work, as well as casually. A lot of the outfits, in fact, are based on her workouts at the gym. First, W was going to Yoga. Then Pilates. Now Zumba. At this point, I've kind of lost track. I just know her classes require Lululemon-type clothing, which has led to wearing yoga pants and tank tops outside the gym, too. W will wear sweatpants to Starbucks, the supermarket, and various places where working out isn't even a possibility. For those who don't know, the selling point of Lycra gym clothes is they tend to really flatter a woman's rear end and legs. After losing weight, W excels in both departments. I'm not necessarily complaining, it's just an odd situation to wrap my head around. Overall, you could say W's lifestyle changes mainly revolve around health and personal fitness. She doesn't seem overly interest in makeup, jewelery, handbags, or material things. I've only noticed a few shoes with taller heels or fancier pairs of underwear. That might not even count, since she hardly ever wears those. W did get a haircut over the holidays - shorter, sportier, a few blonde highlights. But otherwise, her focus is on eating well, going to the spa, exercising, stretching, moisturizing, doing whatever it takes to feel healthy. On this side of 40, it's hard to blame W for wanting to feel as youthful as possible. My only concern is that her new lifestyle could be interfering with her naturally beautiful personality. Here's where I start to sound crazy... I'm worried there might be a dark side to some of these books, classes and philosophies that claim to be about self-help. For example, the motivational phrases W has started using, expressions like: "Happiness is a choice" or "We make our own destiny" Do they sound positive? Yeah. Are they kind of true? Sure. But there can be a judgmental aspect to them, as well. Like when W tells me "we can do anything we put our minds to", the underlying message is that I'm not already doing enough, or that I could somehow be "better". A more serious problem involves our kids. Since they were born, W has been an exceptional mother. Her caring personality translates easily to parenting. As I mentioned before, my son has difficulties at school, so I'm grateful W can be so attentive with the kids. Lately, though, I've noticed her "positive" thinking starting to conflict with her regular parenting style. Other self-help phrases that apply to this situation include: "I need to make myself a priority" and "I'm no good to anyone else if I can't take care of myself" The result of such attitudes, apparently, is that W now has less time to do little activities our kids used to depend on her for. My job is pretty rigorous, but we've always managed to divide our parenting duties equally. Now it feels like I'm taking on more responsibilities at home, while W is putting in fewer hours at work. Her logic: W has more energy when she spends time exercising, going to the spa, seeing friends, etc. Afterwards, she can be a more invested, effective parent. Make sense? I'm not sure it does. My daughter is trying to be understanding about it. My son, who's accustomed to more support from W, is getting confused. A less drastic change in W's lifestyle, meanwhile, that still feels weird, involves stuff like music, iPods, computers, etc. It would be a stretch to call either me or W "hip". My favorite band is U2. Despite working in a technical field, I don't use Facebook. Until recently, W was no more sophisticated in this regard than me. Gradually, though, she's developed interests that include new music, gossip sites, Facebook, and so on. Even if it seems harmless, I feel excluded when W sings along to some band I don't know, or checks funny messages on Facebook. Truthfully, just using her iPhone has become a sore point for me. W didn't get a cell phone until 2007, but she will frequently zone out of our conversations now to type on her iPhone. I know everybody uses one these days, but I can't help feeling snubbed at moments like that. W has also made new friends at her classes. From what I hear, they're women our age who have their own husbands and families. Outside of class, W has begun to socialize with them. W might watch a movie with one of them over the weekend, or they'll grab coffee or drink together. Because they aren't in our usual circle of college friends or married couples, it's hard to just invite myself along. I probably wouldn't enjoy drinking coffee with married women and discussing Jennifer Aniston movies, anyway. But I do feel badly about not hanging out with W as much. At the same time, there's no sign of W behaving inappropriately. She always comes home at the end of the night, except when she has to leave town for work, or for baby showers, etc. If W does come back late after getting a drink, she'll take a shower before climbing into bed. I'm usually asleep by then, so there's no way I can notice anything incriminating. My son has complained W's jacket smelled like smoke or wine the next morning. I explained that's what happens when you go to a place where they serve alcohol. He wasn't too reassured. Ultimately, I can't tell if W is actually doing anything to harm our M, or if I'm just being paranoid. Another example: I feel increasingly uncomfortable when W talks to people in public, especially males. In reality, W has always been amiable and talkative. It's nothing new for her to get into chats with waiters, salespeople, strangers in lineups, people we ask for directions, etc. The difference, frankly, is that I suspect the men she's talking to now are coming at the conversation from a different angle. These days, W looks like a fit, attractive woman. I know what kind of head space that puts a man into - almost automatically - even if he's not intending to do anything wrong. And it's not her fault, either. She isn't dressing in a provocative, attention-seeking way. There's no lipstick, eyelashes, or short skirts here. She's just wearing nice clothes that happen to flatter her skinnier figure. It can't be helped. W is thin now, but she's stayed big chested. No one paid much attention to W's curves when she was heavier, or wore JC Penny clothes. Now, I assume guys will check her out, even if she doesn't wear pushup bras, low-cut tops, or anything like that. It's just a result of being in good shape, but it's starting to grate on me. And that's where I'm at. It's not exactly clear what I should do next. I'm of the opinion that relationships thrive in an open, trusting environment. Also, breathing down W's neck with a lot of prying questions probably won't make her feel more invested in our M. So how do I raise these issues, and not seem petty or controlling? There's no evidence - or even probable grounds - to prove that W's done anything wrong. So what can I say to express my concerns, without accusing her, or backing her into a corner? Are there any subtle, respectful lines of questioning I can get into, that won't sound nosy or presumptuous? To put our relationship in context again, W is still the same lovely woman I married more than 60% of the time. It's only occasional moments, when she says or does something out of character, that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Please let me know what you think. Any feedback will be appreciated, since I'm honestly struggling here. Thanks in advance, Logan

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979