One Average Lucky Guy

So this weekend I was really hoping for some good times outside with my boys and family in a large crowded concert, just having a good time. I had a good time, but not in the way I had envisioned. Because it was a little chilly and the youngest was sick Thursday and Friday morning we just stayed at home watching movies and playing video games. My family having a good time even though I had anticipated something different, this seems to be a theme for my life and also maybe more importantly my marriage. I read on some Psychology site about how guys are more romantic than women. I am not sure that I can agree one hundred percent of the time, but I think in general I feel like I am a bit more mushy and sensitive than my wife. I am a little afraid to say it, I am more romantic than my wife. I tell my wife I love her more. I do that as a joke. I try hard to joke, play, and generally kid-a-round a lot. I also do that to avert attention away from others seeing my emotions clearly. The thought there is that if I act like I am laughing maybe they will laugh, then we can laugh along together. I was also reading about all these troubled marriages. I keep trying to pinch myself because I feel so blessed and lucky. Sure we all have problems. Sure I am very poor and likely will never have the kind of wealth I was around while attending a private school in Charlotte NC. I don't really care about that too too much anways. I have the thing I always wanted. I have a truly beautiful wife, with two wonderful sons whom are on their way to becoming great men. I have become my second choice. I say second choice with a huge sense of pride and wonder. You see as children we are taught in school that you have to have a dream about what you want to become as an adult. The truth is that I wanted to be like Perry Mason, or Matlock. You know I was going to become a lawyer fighting for justice in the halls of court. I was young and next to super heroes I saw these figures as the men whom the police answered to. So that was that, I was going to become a lawyer. My older brother was going to become a doctor. I would always say; "Yeah, fine you become that doctor. I will be the lawyer that sues your butt!" As I grew older that dream faded as I saw the really good lawyers did not stay in that job. If lawyers were really good ones, well then they become elected officials, a.k.a. they would become politicians. I knew enough when I was young to know that politics are where the lairs work with lies and oppression. So then my lawyer dream was tainted, so I had to think of a backup. My backup was just being a good father and husband. It does not sound like much. It seems like a long stretch from lawyer to simple dad. You see when I was growing up, in my house dad was a work-a-holic and mom was chaotic. They went through a long and drawn-out divorce that ended up best for them. The kids are always 'causalities' of divorce though. Back to my point. I think in the beginning dating my wife was not really something I knew much about. I knew she was a mystery to me. Then I thought I knew her so I could plan out how everything would go. I don't know how many years into my marriage I was before it dawned on me that I had never allowed the notion of "falling in love". I mean to say that I always knew I loved my wife and how good and nice a person she was (& still is), but I was not a good husband the first few years of my marriage. I put her threw a lot and caused a lot of stress. I never raised a hand, I was never physically violent (& NEVER will be), nor was I ever unfaithful. We know how bad a husband I was to her during that time. I had made many threats towards leaving maybe seven to ten years ago. It was not until I started to take physically steps toward that path that it dawned and me what I would have been giving up. I had something special that does not come around very often. I have a committed wife whom loved me. I was a total jerk, but she loved me. I still am trying daily to apologize to her for hurting her and making her feel stressed over our marriage. There is no perfect marriage. Then again there is no perfect person, except Jesus Christ. Yeah I believe in him whole heartily for so SO many reasons, but the main reason is because I believe on the power of redemption and forgiveness. I have to believe I can be redeemed. There is a struggle for me to prove to my wife that the man she loved, and continues to love will be able to earn all of the grace she has provided in our marriage. -If my wife ever reads this... I DID IN FACT SEE YOU 1st & I did wish upon a star to "get to know you better"!?!? :smthumbup: ;)

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