Need advice

Hi. I've been reading a lot of posts and just registered because I need some advice. I've been married for 31 years and have raised three great children. My marriage has had its ups and downs over the years. About three years into the marriage, I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker. I suspected it due to his odd behaviour and eventually I found handwritten notes back and forth between the two of them. When I confronted him he freaked and said he was sorry and would never do it again. He would never talk about it after that night. I've always felt like my feelings were totally minimized - he cheated, got caught, quit and I was left to deal with it by myself. Anyway, we went on to have three kids. He was in general a good father, but not toally engaged and he had quite a temper. Each of my kids have told me (as adults) that they hate their father. OK, I probably should have sought out some family counseling, but I kept trying to fi x things myself. Anyway, I think the kids' negative feelings toward him really turned me off. He would lose his temper and then want to sleep together that night. I just couldn't get those instances behind me so quickly. Anyway, our sex life dwindled and we both put on a fair amount of weight. Fast forward to 2013. We have both lost much of that weight and with the kids out of the house I felt like I could reconnect with him. After two years with no sex whatsoever, we started being intimate almost every night. I really enjoyed it and it felt like I was falling in love with him all over again. He has pretty much enjoyed it as well, although he had some minor ED issues at first and now he doens't seem to be able to climax every time. Anyway, as I was starting to pay attention to him again, I noticed he was acting kind of weird. He would sit in his den making "ga ga" eyes at his phone text messages. One morning, I noticed him writing on a pad of paper and turning it over ev ery time I came near the doorway. That morning I was going in to work late, and after he left I went through his trash can and found three versions of a note to a person named Liz. Two of them had been torn up and I taped the pieces together. It was a note congratulating her (on her divorce) and wishing her a happy birthday and he hoped she liked the gifts he was giving her. He did say in the note that he was only trying to be her friend - nothing more. I started reading his text messages late at night while he slept. The two of them text a lot and meet for cigarette breaks frequently. (She works in the same building.) Some of the messages were pretty long and talked about how much they trusted each other. I also checked the photos on his phone. I found pictures of her at a hockey game and at a "Meal Makers" dinner session. She also sent him a picture of some flowers, which I have to assume are from him. I was debating whether I should increase the surveillance with a VAR in his car or try to retrieve deleted text messages (he now deletes them each night.) Then one Saturday he went to the garage and left his phone. I picked it up and saw that he had asked her to go to the casino with him. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want him to know I know his phone passcode, so I couldn't tell him how I knew, but I said I had heard he was spending a lot of time with "a blonde secretary in his building". He demanded to know how I knew and I told him that an auditor told me. ( I had researched it and I knew that the same company audited her firm as audits my company.) He was irate and watned to know the auditor's name. I gave a fake name. I told him this wasn't about the auditor, it's about him and that I didn't want to share him emotionally. He responded that he is a flirt, he's always been a flirt and I had to put up with it. I told him that no, I did not have to put up with it. He looked absoutley shocked and asked me if I wanted a divorce. I to ld him that I wanted us to be on the same page and that if we neede to see a counselor to develop that "page" then we should do it. He asked what I wanted from him and I said: Cigarette breaks are OK Lunch is OK Dinner is not OK Drinks after work are not OK Gifts are not OK. He agreed to it all and I asked him to think carefully and tell me if he had crossed the line with any of these points. He point blank lied and said no, he had not. OK, so I was ready to assume he would "grandfather" those occurrences and although he didn't tell me about them, he would abide by the rules in the future. Well, it's been one week and I have found text messages where he asks her to go the casino again, to visit lake property near our home, and where he volunteers to help her with her move into her new home. All of that was OK, but alst night we spent a lot of time making love. I even offered to BJ to completion. He took me up on it and then stopped in the middle of it. Although I enjoyed it all, he of course could not climax. So eventually he got out bed and went downstairs for a smoke. Later that night I saw a text to her about three minutes after he left the bedroom. (around 11:30 PM) Really??? Was he thinking about her the whole time? So, what i need to know: 1. Are my "demands" reasonable? 2. Should I increase surveillance with a VAR in his car? 3. Any ideas on the climaxing issue? I've asked him if I can do anything differently and he says no. I keep doing Kegel exercises, hoping it will help. 4. He doesn't use iTunes, so is there anyway to revtireve his deleted texts? I feel like a jerk spying on him but I don't want to get hurt. I probably should have dealt with all these issues a long long time ago. I'm also really afraid to be alone, in spite of the fact that I am a professional, I make good money (more than he does) and have family around. I'd appreciate any help.

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