Hi,
I had a rather tough childhood, my father was a very short-tempered person so anyone who has such family member should know what I mean. Any small issue turn into a huge fight, at the very early childhood (up to primary school) I would get hit, kicked out of house in the rain/snow but after standing up and many interventions from the family I was promised to never be touched in such violent way and the promise was kept till now, although I still minted my fear of him. We still have a lot of verbal abuse going on until about a year ago...
At the moment, he is no longer working and staying at home, having a lot of time to think about our family and things we went though. I know there is a change and I appreciate that, coming from a strict traditional environment (raised by a soldier father only, emotionless, detached, cruel mother) that he was raised in is a big step. Not long ago I was sincerely apologised for all the bad things that was done to me but I realised that even though I tried my best to move on, there is this bitterness, anger and resentment still inside me, I shouted out all my sorrow to him, telling him that I fear he would kill us etc and since then we have this rather tensed atmosphere and I cannot face him for now, I haven't seen or talked to him in several months (I'm studying in UK far away from home) and I only contact with my mother and my siblings. I know he is making amends at home, that things are better now.
I love and hate him at the same time, it's such a complicated feeling cause there weren't just bad things, there were good things as well but often one bad act erases years of good memories. My father is not a BAD person, he has done so many things for me for which I love him a lot but he has also done things I cannot forgive him. If he was a bad guy, things would be maybe easier, I would't have this conflicting emotions. I don't know what to do because that he is coming next week for opening a new business here, both my parents were supposed to come but my mother got sick and now only one of them can come. I don't want to be with him in one room for few days (I'm letting him stay with me to save on hotels) with this heavy feeling hanging around us. I thought I need time away from him, time to heal my wounds, time to slowly let it go but it's still not coming and I have this uneasy feeling with me all the time that sth is not right and I don't what to do anymore.
Put the internet to work for you.
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