First a little background -- In May of 2011, I found out that my husband of 21 years had been having a EA/PA for about 5 months with one of his clients. The affair ended (she lost her job as a result) but it probably took another year for the communication between them to completely end. I believe (for various reasons) that the affair is truly over - so I don't think about it constantly as I did - although my husband does get defensive it I mention anything about it.
While I've finally gotten over his discretion (I've 'forgiven' him but will never really trust him anymore, which stinks) - there is one thing that concerns me greatly and I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts.
My husband has always said that he's the 'kind of guy people like to tell things to.' He's a friendly guy who makes people (especially women) feel comfortable and loves to say inappropriate things at questionable times because he likes to get a laugh or attention, etc. Many times I've expressed my concerns about a few relationships he's had with women where there's an exchange of private information.
For example - another friend/client is 30-something single women (my husband is 53). She'll text my husband to tell him that she just had sex in a restaurant restroom with a hot waiter. And of course my husband finds it entertaining, so he'll probe for more information. And then he'll say something like "Well ... at least you're getting some action ... who knows when I'll be getting 'it' again." I've told him several times that I don't think it's appropriate for "Sally" to be sending him text messages like that, and he 'claims' that he told her not to send them ... but it's probably bull****.
What my husband doesn't know is that I hack into his Facebook account almost daily to see what private messages he has. Currently, he seems to be talking to a woman he knew in college as well as his old college girlfriend. The conversations haven't been sexual or inappropriate for the most part -- but it appears that both women have diverted any innuendo he has thrown their way. He often tells the college friend (not the old girlfriend) that she's beautiful, has nice eyes, should be treated well, etc. (She's a divorced woman who hasn't had much luck in the dating world). He also plays Facebook Scrabble with a woman (going on about 5 years) and he's told her over the years all about the affair with the OW, as well as things about our marriage and relationship (including the fact that he's thought about leaving me - but doesn't know how to tell his parents - even though they don't really like me.) This is the kind of stuff I read about on his FB private message or scrabble co nversation. But the truth is, once again, I honestly don't think he's interested in leaving and oddly enough, our marriage is good in the sense that we have fun together, we're very involved with our kids, we travel and have things in common. And if I say to him "If you want to leave me ... you can just leave," - he gets annoyed and says "Why would I want to leave? I love you, I love our family ... who else would I want to be with?" hmmm.
So ... I'm not sure what to do. If I confront my husband about this - he'll obviously change the password and I'll get cut off from his Facebook account. I can't trust him and I know that's not good. Am I being an idiot? I'm not looking to leave but I want to have a marriage with a trustworthy partner.
Any advice?
While I've finally gotten over his discretion (I've 'forgiven' him but will never really trust him anymore, which stinks) - there is one thing that concerns me greatly and I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts.
My husband has always said that he's the 'kind of guy people like to tell things to.' He's a friendly guy who makes people (especially women) feel comfortable and loves to say inappropriate things at questionable times because he likes to get a laugh or attention, etc. Many times I've expressed my concerns about a few relationships he's had with women where there's an exchange of private information.
For example - another friend/client is 30-something single women (my husband is 53). She'll text my husband to tell him that she just had sex in a restaurant restroom with a hot waiter. And of course my husband finds it entertaining, so he'll probe for more information. And then he'll say something like "Well ... at least you're getting some action ... who knows when I'll be getting 'it' again." I've told him several times that I don't think it's appropriate for "Sally" to be sending him text messages like that, and he 'claims' that he told her not to send them ... but it's probably bull****.
What my husband doesn't know is that I hack into his Facebook account almost daily to see what private messages he has. Currently, he seems to be talking to a woman he knew in college as well as his old college girlfriend. The conversations haven't been sexual or inappropriate for the most part -- but it appears that both women have diverted any innuendo he has thrown their way. He often tells the college friend (not the old girlfriend) that she's beautiful, has nice eyes, should be treated well, etc. (She's a divorced woman who hasn't had much luck in the dating world). He also plays Facebook Scrabble with a woman (going on about 5 years) and he's told her over the years all about the affair with the OW, as well as things about our marriage and relationship (including the fact that he's thought about leaving me - but doesn't know how to tell his parents - even though they don't really like me.) This is the kind of stuff I read about on his FB private message or scrabble co nversation. But the truth is, once again, I honestly don't think he's interested in leaving and oddly enough, our marriage is good in the sense that we have fun together, we're very involved with our kids, we travel and have things in common. And if I say to him "If you want to leave me ... you can just leave," - he gets annoyed and says "Why would I want to leave? I love you, I love our family ... who else would I want to be with?" hmmm.
So ... I'm not sure what to do. If I confront my husband about this - he'll obviously change the password and I'll get cut off from his Facebook account. I can't trust him and I know that's not good. Am I being an idiot? I'm not looking to leave but I want to have a marriage with a trustworthy partner.
Any advice?
Put the internet to work for you.
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