Hello everyone! First off I would like to say that I am extremely thankful that I was able to come across this forum. And after reading various stories (which I will give my advice to proceeding this post) I knew I had come into the right community.
Well, to commence, our problem stems from his 8 year friendship with two sisters. All of those years they have utilized him to their convenience (whenever they needed a should to cry on, whenever they needed help moving, in their college courses, etc.) When he was an adolescent and through the first two years of college, he was involve with one of the twins, lets call her Tick. Tick though, never reciprocated these feelings for him but continued to use him whenever she was in need. The other sister, lets call her Tack, would cry on his shoulder when she was having problems with men and so on.
Now, when we were dating, I knew about this history between them and I thought it was fine and innocent, even though he loved Tick. I have my male friends that I care for as well and it would be unreasonable for me to tell him to do away with people just because they are female friends.
But HE began to slowly make it more and more uncomfortable for me. The first time we had intercourse and I had slept over, he left me in his bed after Tick had called him because she needed someone to take her to work. Instead of asking her to please call someone else, he ran to her rescue. I never mentioned this bothered me until a few months into the relationship. On another occasion, when speaking about Tick, he told me he had once shared his bed with her when she was intoxicated in his apartment after a party and he had even had to put her in his shower to sober up. He mentioned how he was tempted to touch her through the night but was a gentleman and did not. (My friend who used to be friends with Tick had told me that Tick had felt absolutely repulsed by sharing a bed with him but that she was too under the influence to move). When I told him this not long ago, he denied it and said I was making it up and that even so, it was years ago and it should not even matter.
Moreover, when we moved in together, my S.O. would constantly text and call Tick to hang out (with and without me) and she would always decline the invite. So what did my partner do? He started crying to me saying that he missed her and did not know why she rejects him so...I told him how awkward this made me feel, to hear my man talk like this about a female friend, and he replied with "I would act like this with any of my male friends if they ignored me." (From this you can see his level of immaturity). The same friend who knew her had told me that when she did hang out with my S.O. it was because she had finally given in and had felt bad about making me him wait so long.
On another note, their parents are massage therapists, so of course they would give my S.O. massages for free after workouts! Sometimes when I was tired from work he would give me massages and say "Tick and Tack say that this tension right here can be released by doing this...and that" (Again, uncomfortable for me). And when working out with him, he would compare me to Tack because she is more athletic than I am...
Now to the juicier part to my story. My grown man loves playing video games to release some stress, and who plays with him through the internet? Tack. I finally told him to tone the relationship he had with both women after a comment he had made to Tack. Something about if she were a stripper he would go watch and throw money at her.
And so my hatred began and I stood my ground. I said "i do not want to hear about these women again, and I do not want to every see them again, if you respect me, you will sacrifice your friendship with these people." And what did he do? He placed the couch in front of our bedroom and blocked my exit, saying that he did not want me to leave the room for the rest of the night because I was controlling, needy, and unreasonable.
Well, after a few months, and after him BEGGING and crying to me saying that he could not stand it and needed them in his life, I gave in and gave him permission to speak to them again. And what happened? I found a photo of Tack on his phone that she had sent him, drunk, of a skimpy outfit and phone calls and texts of her drunk. He had texted her the next morning (he says as a normal friend would do) to see if she was okay. I confronted both of them about it and she apologized and said she understood me. I was still not okay with the friendship and wanted her and her sister out of my life forever.
So while we were forced to be long distance a while when I was in law school, and he was stuck in a low end job at another city, he LIED. Yep, he lied and went out with both of them and his best friend to a bar and returned home at 5am. How did I find out? His best friend told me the next day because he could not stand that my S.O. had lied to me about staying at home all night.
When I was able to see him again, I told him once again that the friendship had to terminated and he slapped me, saying I had no control over his friends. I was sobbing, I was a mess, and he turned his anger toward his father who was visiting and the night ended with him getting physical with him. And so we took a break.
We "solved" the issue, after he agreed to stop being their friend and promised me that if that is what it took to keep me, that he would do it. After 5 months of this happening, I found out last week that he has been still in contact with them and seeing them behind my back. He said he does not regret lying and hiding it from me because he does not agree with me.
And thus, I took off my ring and left to my parents' house. A few days ago he called to tell me that he does not think he could go on like this being with someone so controlling and unreasonable. He said he was justified in lying because the options were to either lie or lose me...
I am confused as to what I should do? Should I accept the friendship? Should I forgive? How about his temper...? He said he would not want to stay with me if I do not let him be with his two friends and wants me to be friends with them myself after all of this...that is the first year of our marriage will be like this, he does not want his life to continue on like this...
Well, to commence, our problem stems from his 8 year friendship with two sisters. All of those years they have utilized him to their convenience (whenever they needed a should to cry on, whenever they needed help moving, in their college courses, etc.) When he was an adolescent and through the first two years of college, he was involve with one of the twins, lets call her Tick. Tick though, never reciprocated these feelings for him but continued to use him whenever she was in need. The other sister, lets call her Tack, would cry on his shoulder when she was having problems with men and so on.
Now, when we were dating, I knew about this history between them and I thought it was fine and innocent, even though he loved Tick. I have my male friends that I care for as well and it would be unreasonable for me to tell him to do away with people just because they are female friends.
But HE began to slowly make it more and more uncomfortable for me. The first time we had intercourse and I had slept over, he left me in his bed after Tick had called him because she needed someone to take her to work. Instead of asking her to please call someone else, he ran to her rescue. I never mentioned this bothered me until a few months into the relationship. On another occasion, when speaking about Tick, he told me he had once shared his bed with her when she was intoxicated in his apartment after a party and he had even had to put her in his shower to sober up. He mentioned how he was tempted to touch her through the night but was a gentleman and did not. (My friend who used to be friends with Tick had told me that Tick had felt absolutely repulsed by sharing a bed with him but that she was too under the influence to move). When I told him this not long ago, he denied it and said I was making it up and that even so, it was years ago and it should not even matter.
Moreover, when we moved in together, my S.O. would constantly text and call Tick to hang out (with and without me) and she would always decline the invite. So what did my partner do? He started crying to me saying that he missed her and did not know why she rejects him so...I told him how awkward this made me feel, to hear my man talk like this about a female friend, and he replied with "I would act like this with any of my male friends if they ignored me." (From this you can see his level of immaturity). The same friend who knew her had told me that when she did hang out with my S.O. it was because she had finally given in and had felt bad about making me him wait so long.
On another note, their parents are massage therapists, so of course they would give my S.O. massages for free after workouts! Sometimes when I was tired from work he would give me massages and say "Tick and Tack say that this tension right here can be released by doing this...and that" (Again, uncomfortable for me). And when working out with him, he would compare me to Tack because she is more athletic than I am...
Now to the juicier part to my story. My grown man loves playing video games to release some stress, and who plays with him through the internet? Tack. I finally told him to tone the relationship he had with both women after a comment he had made to Tack. Something about if she were a stripper he would go watch and throw money at her.
And so my hatred began and I stood my ground. I said "i do not want to hear about these women again, and I do not want to every see them again, if you respect me, you will sacrifice your friendship with these people." And what did he do? He placed the couch in front of our bedroom and blocked my exit, saying that he did not want me to leave the room for the rest of the night because I was controlling, needy, and unreasonable.
Well, after a few months, and after him BEGGING and crying to me saying that he could not stand it and needed them in his life, I gave in and gave him permission to speak to them again. And what happened? I found a photo of Tack on his phone that she had sent him, drunk, of a skimpy outfit and phone calls and texts of her drunk. He had texted her the next morning (he says as a normal friend would do) to see if she was okay. I confronted both of them about it and she apologized and said she understood me. I was still not okay with the friendship and wanted her and her sister out of my life forever.
So while we were forced to be long distance a while when I was in law school, and he was stuck in a low end job at another city, he LIED. Yep, he lied and went out with both of them and his best friend to a bar and returned home at 5am. How did I find out? His best friend told me the next day because he could not stand that my S.O. had lied to me about staying at home all night.
When I was able to see him again, I told him once again that the friendship had to terminated and he slapped me, saying I had no control over his friends. I was sobbing, I was a mess, and he turned his anger toward his father who was visiting and the night ended with him getting physical with him. And so we took a break.
We "solved" the issue, after he agreed to stop being their friend and promised me that if that is what it took to keep me, that he would do it. After 5 months of this happening, I found out last week that he has been still in contact with them and seeing them behind my back. He said he does not regret lying and hiding it from me because he does not agree with me.
And thus, I took off my ring and left to my parents' house. A few days ago he called to tell me that he does not think he could go on like this being with someone so controlling and unreasonable. He said he was justified in lying because the options were to either lie or lose me...
I am confused as to what I should do? Should I accept the friendship? Should I forgive? How about his temper...? He said he would not want to stay with me if I do not let him be with his two friends and wants me to be friends with them myself after all of this...that is the first year of our marriage will be like this, he does not want his life to continue on like this...
Put the internet to work for you.
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