I'm going to start with a little back history. My husband didn't have a good childhood. Parents fought all the time, and divorced. Mom went off and had more kids with someone else. I won't go into how bad that got but the father of his two half sisters is in jail, and likely will be for a VERY long time.
His dad raised him and his brother, but he didn't know what he was doing, and we suspect though he means well, he is missing a few screws from drug use all those years. Dad just bought them things, and just screamed at them and put them down all the time.
For me. My parents are still together, yet I used to wish they'd split. They fought constantly. My dad is very controlling, and my mom is now a very meek, can't do anything for herself woman. I love them both dearly, but they were not good role models at all. My dad has me so afraid to ever spend a penny, and my moms low self worth spilled onto me in part. But also I became VERY guarded, and head strong because I didn't want to be like her. So instead of showing hurt, it comes out anger I guess as a defense mechanism.
My husband and I grew up together, and now have been married almost 6 years. He's in the Army, so gone a lot, and when he's home works long hours. Our 3 kids are still young, and require a lot of attention, plus two of them have special needs. We don't get a lot of 1-1 time together as you can imagine.
Here's the part that just keeps coming up. When we were engaged, and he found out what had been happening to his sisters for years he didn't know, he went on a really big binge. He ended up talking to an ex which has a bad wrap, and even he didn't have anything nice to say about her. He was still away at AIT so I was 6 hours away, and it was late is why he said he didn't call me. So, they end up in her barracks room, and she tries to advance, and he pushes her away and says no, he just needed someone to talk to. He then blacks out (he had been drinking for hours, and I've seen him black out enough to know he was telling the truth)
He comes to and finds her on top of him. She even managed to put protection on him. Because he was so drunk, things weren't working properly if you know what I mean, but still. He realizes whats going on and stands up and shoves her off him and leaves. Apparently goes back to his room and proceeds to throw up a LOT in the shower. He says not just because he was drunk, but because he realizes what had happened and he hated himself for it.
He tried to just break it off with me because he didn't want to tell me what happened. After a month break, I decided to forgive him and try to move on with our lives. Everything up till that point was good in our relationship. He is my best friend. Some would call it cheating, and I do in a way, but not intentional, and to be honest if he were a female it would be called rape. But he knowingly put himself in a bad situation (although drunk) Either way, it hurt me, bad.
Through the next couple years, there have been more times he's had to go on long trainings, and though promised and swore to me he wouldn't drink, he did. It was always with the guys, and nothing else has ever happened, but it just triggers those bad memories and the pain of it all again. Plus you just keep breaking trust over and over.
It's been probably 4 years since the last broken promise. He loves us, works hard, and is always supportive of me and everything I do. But he has extremely selfish ways. Is always looking into new wants, purchases, ect. Especially regarding cars.
For me, I give my all. I am always thinking of him, and my kids, and trying to find ways for us to build memories together, and also getting him meaningful things when I do buy gifts. I am not at all a materialistic woman. But I just feel like all this time he's thinking about him, he could plan a mini vacation for our family. Or maybe, JUST maybe buy me something nice. Doesn't have to be much. Maybe even a new dress. Just the fact that he would be thinking about me, instead of always him.
So when he's constantly thinking about him, it takes me back to the things in the beginning. I don't want to punish him for those things that I chose to forgive, but it still hurts. It cuts me to my core because of things I have been through in the past with men in my life who basically crapped all over me.
In the beginning he was always so sweet and thoughtful. He went out of his way for me, and now I just feel like I'm nothing special to him.
If I am wrong here or just being stupid, please go easy. It is so hard for me to express myself and be vulnerable in any way. And same for him. He's done wrong by me before, but when it comes down to it he is a good man, he's just made mistakes, and neither of us have had any kind of model of a good marriage, and we both have a lot of emotional childhood baggage.
His dad raised him and his brother, but he didn't know what he was doing, and we suspect though he means well, he is missing a few screws from drug use all those years. Dad just bought them things, and just screamed at them and put them down all the time.
For me. My parents are still together, yet I used to wish they'd split. They fought constantly. My dad is very controlling, and my mom is now a very meek, can't do anything for herself woman. I love them both dearly, but they were not good role models at all. My dad has me so afraid to ever spend a penny, and my moms low self worth spilled onto me in part. But also I became VERY guarded, and head strong because I didn't want to be like her. So instead of showing hurt, it comes out anger I guess as a defense mechanism.
My husband and I grew up together, and now have been married almost 6 years. He's in the Army, so gone a lot, and when he's home works long hours. Our 3 kids are still young, and require a lot of attention, plus two of them have special needs. We don't get a lot of 1-1 time together as you can imagine.
Here's the part that just keeps coming up. When we were engaged, and he found out what had been happening to his sisters for years he didn't know, he went on a really big binge. He ended up talking to an ex which has a bad wrap, and even he didn't have anything nice to say about her. He was still away at AIT so I was 6 hours away, and it was late is why he said he didn't call me. So, they end up in her barracks room, and she tries to advance, and he pushes her away and says no, he just needed someone to talk to. He then blacks out (he had been drinking for hours, and I've seen him black out enough to know he was telling the truth)
He comes to and finds her on top of him. She even managed to put protection on him. Because he was so drunk, things weren't working properly if you know what I mean, but still. He realizes whats going on and stands up and shoves her off him and leaves. Apparently goes back to his room and proceeds to throw up a LOT in the shower. He says not just because he was drunk, but because he realizes what had happened and he hated himself for it.
He tried to just break it off with me because he didn't want to tell me what happened. After a month break, I decided to forgive him and try to move on with our lives. Everything up till that point was good in our relationship. He is my best friend. Some would call it cheating, and I do in a way, but not intentional, and to be honest if he were a female it would be called rape. But he knowingly put himself in a bad situation (although drunk) Either way, it hurt me, bad.
Through the next couple years, there have been more times he's had to go on long trainings, and though promised and swore to me he wouldn't drink, he did. It was always with the guys, and nothing else has ever happened, but it just triggers those bad memories and the pain of it all again. Plus you just keep breaking trust over and over.
It's been probably 4 years since the last broken promise. He loves us, works hard, and is always supportive of me and everything I do. But he has extremely selfish ways. Is always looking into new wants, purchases, ect. Especially regarding cars.
For me, I give my all. I am always thinking of him, and my kids, and trying to find ways for us to build memories together, and also getting him meaningful things when I do buy gifts. I am not at all a materialistic woman. But I just feel like all this time he's thinking about him, he could plan a mini vacation for our family. Or maybe, JUST maybe buy me something nice. Doesn't have to be much. Maybe even a new dress. Just the fact that he would be thinking about me, instead of always him.
So when he's constantly thinking about him, it takes me back to the things in the beginning. I don't want to punish him for those things that I chose to forgive, but it still hurts. It cuts me to my core because of things I have been through in the past with men in my life who basically crapped all over me.
In the beginning he was always so sweet and thoughtful. He went out of his way for me, and now I just feel like I'm nothing special to him.
If I am wrong here or just being stupid, please go easy. It is so hard for me to express myself and be vulnerable in any way. And same for him. He's done wrong by me before, but when it comes down to it he is a good man, he's just made mistakes, and neither of us have had any kind of model of a good marriage, and we both have a lot of emotional childhood baggage.
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