I'm trying to come up with a modified 180 plan because a number of the points seem to be about bringing a WS back to you or to be used kind of as a last ditch effort when all else fails. Neither of which are really my situation. My wife started having an affair late last summer right at our 15 year anniversary. She physically ended it after a couple months (because he started to be a jerk, NOT because she realized what she was doing was wrong) but kind of kept thinking about him and wanting him all the way through this spring and didn't fully go NC (random texts and reaching out to him through all that time even though they never saw each other.)until late March. That is when I found out and confronted her.
So I've known for about 2 months now, and things are both better and not. They are better because she is finally releasing her emotions for the AP and she tries to "show" she is sorry and she regrets it, but things are not really better because a large enough chunk of what she does or says is still rationalization, rug-sweeping, and just wanting "to move on". She is a highly defensive, assertive, and prideful woman, so what she does not do is verbally apologize, she does not break down and really own what she has done, and she makes very little attempt to try and really understand my pain or figure out what I need from her. She absolutely refuses to go to any counseling because she doesn't believe in therapy and doesn't want to re-live what she did with yet another person. (There is also a healthy dose of subconscious fear in there whether she wants to admit it or not.) Personally, I am going to go to IC. My first appointment set up for next week. She would be willing to read a book, but I couldn't find one on amazon that I would be happy with her reading. The negative reviews of many of the most highly recommended sound like they also push that the BS shares responsibility for the affair. I own that there were things she needed from me (mainly communication) that I should have been better about, but I take no responsibility for her choice of actions.
So I am still in limbo. She really wants our marriage to work, she loves me and does NOT want a D. But she also just wants to just forget it and move on. She gets really frustrated and cannot understand how I can make love to her, and then the next afternoon have a depressed mood swing. She can't/won't place herself in my shoes because, as she puts it: "I know you would never do that, so I can't imagine it." That is what I have learned, she is really still stuck in this place of rationalizing what happened instead of owning it and truly apologizing, and she just wants to move on without digging into understanding my pain and figuring out what I need from her to help me move forward (beyond more sex that is.) So I am seriously considering embarking on the 180 plan, but only the portion that makes sense.
All the stuff about ignoring your spouse and not being as communicative, etc. that won't help. Her "Love Language" is Communication. So things like not texting her, calling her, reaching out to her, or pulling back on conversations, will only push her away. Also, I want to have dates, if we are really trying to reconnect with each other, things like that ARE important I think. So I'm looking mostly into just the bullet points about finding happiness for me. Which leads me to two questions maybe people have experience with:
Question 1
How do I find that balance of doing this for me, but not feeling like I'm just letting her off the hook? I have a hard time starting this process because I think she will take these changes in me as a sign everything is ok and I'm all good, and then I don't feel like she will EVER make the effort to truly understand my pain and what she did and truly apologize for it and make the effort to find out what SHE can do for ME to make amends for the hell she is putting me through. I know that is the anger talking, but there is truth in there as well. I know finding happiness in myself is probably the best possible plan, but I also don't know if it is possible for me to truly heal and R without feeling more remorse from her and more of an effort on her part to help me through this.
Question 2
No matter what I do, whether I show happiness around her or not, I have to do some things for my personal growth and happiness. What are some specific recommendations for becoming happy as an individual again when for 15 years your wife and family has been the center of your world and happiness? I just, I can't see anything that will make me feel happy and confidant and like I'm moving on for myself. I don't know how to push myself to find happiness outside of my busy life between work and two little boys at home.
FYI – I am usually pretty busy, so I mean no disrespect if I'm only able to check in/respond on this thread once or twice a day.
So I've known for about 2 months now, and things are both better and not. They are better because she is finally releasing her emotions for the AP and she tries to "show" she is sorry and she regrets it, but things are not really better because a large enough chunk of what she does or says is still rationalization, rug-sweeping, and just wanting "to move on". She is a highly defensive, assertive, and prideful woman, so what she does not do is verbally apologize, she does not break down and really own what she has done, and she makes very little attempt to try and really understand my pain or figure out what I need from her. She absolutely refuses to go to any counseling because she doesn't believe in therapy and doesn't want to re-live what she did with yet another person. (There is also a healthy dose of subconscious fear in there whether she wants to admit it or not.) Personally, I am going to go to IC. My first appointment set up for next week. She would be willing to read a book, but I couldn't find one on amazon that I would be happy with her reading. The negative reviews of many of the most highly recommended sound like they also push that the BS shares responsibility for the affair. I own that there were things she needed from me (mainly communication) that I should have been better about, but I take no responsibility for her choice of actions.
So I am still in limbo. She really wants our marriage to work, she loves me and does NOT want a D. But she also just wants to just forget it and move on. She gets really frustrated and cannot understand how I can make love to her, and then the next afternoon have a depressed mood swing. She can't/won't place herself in my shoes because, as she puts it: "I know you would never do that, so I can't imagine it." That is what I have learned, she is really still stuck in this place of rationalizing what happened instead of owning it and truly apologizing, and she just wants to move on without digging into understanding my pain and figuring out what I need from her to help me move forward (beyond more sex that is.) So I am seriously considering embarking on the 180 plan, but only the portion that makes sense.
All the stuff about ignoring your spouse and not being as communicative, etc. that won't help. Her "Love Language" is Communication. So things like not texting her, calling her, reaching out to her, or pulling back on conversations, will only push her away. Also, I want to have dates, if we are really trying to reconnect with each other, things like that ARE important I think. So I'm looking mostly into just the bullet points about finding happiness for me. Which leads me to two questions maybe people have experience with:
Question 1
How do I find that balance of doing this for me, but not feeling like I'm just letting her off the hook? I have a hard time starting this process because I think she will take these changes in me as a sign everything is ok and I'm all good, and then I don't feel like she will EVER make the effort to truly understand my pain and what she did and truly apologize for it and make the effort to find out what SHE can do for ME to make amends for the hell she is putting me through. I know that is the anger talking, but there is truth in there as well. I know finding happiness in myself is probably the best possible plan, but I also don't know if it is possible for me to truly heal and R without feeling more remorse from her and more of an effort on her part to help me through this.
Question 2
No matter what I do, whether I show happiness around her or not, I have to do some things for my personal growth and happiness. What are some specific recommendations for becoming happy as an individual again when for 15 years your wife and family has been the center of your world and happiness? I just, I can't see anything that will make me feel happy and confidant and like I'm moving on for myself. I don't know how to push myself to find happiness outside of my busy life between work and two little boys at home.
FYI – I am usually pretty busy, so I mean no disrespect if I'm only able to check in/respond on this thread once or twice a day.
Put the internet to work for you.
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