My husband of 23 years is a full on alcoholic. Alcohol has been a problem in our relationship since day one.
When the economy took a downturn and I lost my job and he had no work, his drinking increased which caused fights and lots of crying (on my part). I had to emotionally withdrawal from him (180) but he never noticed. It's been four years since he has hugged me, kissed me, said love words to me, had sex with me, or had given me a compliment.
I come from a very abusive childhood with heavy doses of put downs, mental warfare, soul killing words, and instability. It's no secret why I do and say the things I do, this is nothing new to my husband. My father (Satan) told me since I was little that if I ever got fat, my husband would leave me, everyone hates fat people, being fat is worse than cancer. My mother was obese and he openly called her a pig, fat ass, slob, and many other horrible things (he still does).
When I went into my depression, I was sleeping a lot and gorging myself on chocolate (comfort eating which is something I have NEVER done before). Needless to say, I got fat. Since then I will not let my family see me because I become that little girl again and the thought of my family making fun of me and putting me down like my whole childhood makes me physically ill.
My husband's behavior just cements my horrible body image and I feel crippled. He has proven my father right, which in my eyes is the greatest sin. My husband has also started to constantly tell me what my faults are. He has somehow found a pedestal and stands atop it and judges me more than he has ever done. When I call him on all of these things and relay how much they hurt, he says I am nuts and to get over it.
It cannot be a coincidence that my weight gain coincided with his lack of interest with me physically. Yesterday he told me I will never get the same attention I used to by men because of my weight. This morning I made a joke comment about young firm 20 year olds who are in for a surprise when they hit 40 and their bodies and metabolism change and he got very angry with me. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF KARMA? WHY DO YOU WISH ILL ON OTHERS? I HATE THAT YOU DO THAT, I WOULD NEVER WISH ILL ON ANYONE, EVER!!! My comment was just a comment, not a wish. It's something I have commented on since I turned 40 and all the warnings from older women to me when I was young turned out to be true. I said I ALWAYS SAID STUFF LIKE THAT, WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED? and he said I KNOW, BUT IT'S WRONG, YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I HAVE ALWAYS HATED WHEN YOU SAID THAT. Then he picked up one of my glass paper weights and holds it out to me and says DO YOU LIKE THIS GLASS PAPERWEIGHT? and I said YES, I LOVE IT. And he said ''I HOPE IT SHATTERS" and he left the room.
When I get back in shape, I don't think I will ever be able to let him touch me ever again. Four years of resentment and neglect has taken their toll on my already crippled psyche.
As anyone ever gone through this? How do you cope? How do you not let the words hurt? Can you ever love your drunk again? Do I just let go completely (I am only hanging on by a thread in this marriage).
When the economy took a downturn and I lost my job and he had no work, his drinking increased which caused fights and lots of crying (on my part). I had to emotionally withdrawal from him (180) but he never noticed. It's been four years since he has hugged me, kissed me, said love words to me, had sex with me, or had given me a compliment.
I come from a very abusive childhood with heavy doses of put downs, mental warfare, soul killing words, and instability. It's no secret why I do and say the things I do, this is nothing new to my husband. My father (Satan) told me since I was little that if I ever got fat, my husband would leave me, everyone hates fat people, being fat is worse than cancer. My mother was obese and he openly called her a pig, fat ass, slob, and many other horrible things (he still does).
When I went into my depression, I was sleeping a lot and gorging myself on chocolate (comfort eating which is something I have NEVER done before). Needless to say, I got fat. Since then I will not let my family see me because I become that little girl again and the thought of my family making fun of me and putting me down like my whole childhood makes me physically ill.
My husband's behavior just cements my horrible body image and I feel crippled. He has proven my father right, which in my eyes is the greatest sin. My husband has also started to constantly tell me what my faults are. He has somehow found a pedestal and stands atop it and judges me more than he has ever done. When I call him on all of these things and relay how much they hurt, he says I am nuts and to get over it.
It cannot be a coincidence that my weight gain coincided with his lack of interest with me physically. Yesterday he told me I will never get the same attention I used to by men because of my weight. This morning I made a joke comment about young firm 20 year olds who are in for a surprise when they hit 40 and their bodies and metabolism change and he got very angry with me. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF KARMA? WHY DO YOU WISH ILL ON OTHERS? I HATE THAT YOU DO THAT, I WOULD NEVER WISH ILL ON ANYONE, EVER!!! My comment was just a comment, not a wish. It's something I have commented on since I turned 40 and all the warnings from older women to me when I was young turned out to be true. I said I ALWAYS SAID STUFF LIKE THAT, WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED? and he said I KNOW, BUT IT'S WRONG, YOU ARE HORRIBLE AND I HAVE ALWAYS HATED WHEN YOU SAID THAT. Then he picked up one of my glass paper weights and holds it out to me and says DO YOU LIKE THIS GLASS PAPERWEIGHT? and I said YES, I LOVE IT. And he said ''I HOPE IT SHATTERS" and he left the room.
When I get back in shape, I don't think I will ever be able to let him touch me ever again. Four years of resentment and neglect has taken their toll on my already crippled psyche.
As anyone ever gone through this? How do you cope? How do you not let the words hurt? Can you ever love your drunk again? Do I just let go completely (I am only hanging on by a thread in this marriage).
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