Hi all. I have been reading up on lots of good info and advice on here, but each situation is unique and I've finally decided to ask for some advice. Here's a brief background of my situation.
Me 35 YO M, WW is 30
Long distance relationship for 4 years, then got married 6 years ago.
She is sole financial provider. I am in doctorate program.
WW has always been somewhat negative, emotionally, by default, and avoids dealing with problems. I have always supported her career choices and recreational needs to help her find happiness, which may have inadvertently reinforced this behavior. She attempted to OD on tylenol in high school, and also never dealt with that either.
WW cheated on me a few times during long distance relationship. I forgave her, moved on. Never really resolved it. She also had a history of this in previous relationships. Her father passed away suddenly around the same time all this was going on, and I felt the need to be there for her.
Our marriage has been mostly good until about 2 months ago. Usual communication problems that should have been addressed long ago caused arguments from time-to-time, but we pushed through and when things are good they're great! I am in a doctorate program, and the work load has been hard on both of us. Instead of confronting the problem with me, she dealt with it by finding an enabler friend which opened the door for OM. (I do acknowledge my contribution to this, but don't accept it as an excuse.) I discovered the A, made some typical mistakes in handling it at first, but have been trying to follow plan A since. I do love her, despite all of the problems and want to stick to my vows. I believe she is suffering from a sickness, and want her to get better. I have been working on a Plan B, but it is tricky since she is the sole bread winner. I do have a small fund if I need to move out though. She has been reading directly from the WW script. Lying, secrets, blaming me, etc... W e did try marriage counselling initially, which backfired due to A fog. She has been seeing the counselor on her own though. This Friday I was set on moving out, on my way out the door to find a place. She talked me out of it and left to stay at her mom's because she "needs to miss me," and "doesn't know what she wants." She doesn't want me to sign a 6 month lease and waste money. That's cool. I pulled the 180. Trying to reinforce her good actions, ignore the traps and start moving forward with my life. I'm not going to wait on her forever, but dang it's hard!!!
So today we went to another marriage therapist. Counselor started slow, getting mostly info about our relationship history, and we didn't get into the current situation yet. Basically discussed our different reasoning/communication styles (I'm analytical/confronter, she's an emotional rug sweeper), but we both left feeling like we have a lot still on our chests. Problem is, WW shut down immediately. She told me that she has officially ended A with OM (3rd time she has told me this), but she doesn't want to talk to me about it because "she can't communicate with me right now." (angry about the session) She is headed back to her mom's and still "doesn't know what she wants." I just said "Ok, hope this is helping," rubbed her shoulder and walked to my car when she told me that.
My take: She really does want to R but she still has feelings for OM, and is having a hard time ending A. I do believe she has been trying, but keeps relapsing. She is angry and upset that the therapy sessions do not support her blaming me for the A, and is not ready to accept responsibility.
What do you all think? What's my next step? I have been trying to stay busy, have not been reaching out to her, not asking her what she's up to, but I don't want to push her away. I do reply to her texts, but just keep it short and simple. Still tell her "I love you too." Anything I SHOULD say to her right now? We aren't scheduled for another session for another week. What do I do in the mean time? Thanks!!!
Me 35 YO M, WW is 30
Long distance relationship for 4 years, then got married 6 years ago.
She is sole financial provider. I am in doctorate program.
WW has always been somewhat negative, emotionally, by default, and avoids dealing with problems. I have always supported her career choices and recreational needs to help her find happiness, which may have inadvertently reinforced this behavior. She attempted to OD on tylenol in high school, and also never dealt with that either.
WW cheated on me a few times during long distance relationship. I forgave her, moved on. Never really resolved it. She also had a history of this in previous relationships. Her father passed away suddenly around the same time all this was going on, and I felt the need to be there for her.
Our marriage has been mostly good until about 2 months ago. Usual communication problems that should have been addressed long ago caused arguments from time-to-time, but we pushed through and when things are good they're great! I am in a doctorate program, and the work load has been hard on both of us. Instead of confronting the problem with me, she dealt with it by finding an enabler friend which opened the door for OM. (I do acknowledge my contribution to this, but don't accept it as an excuse.) I discovered the A, made some typical mistakes in handling it at first, but have been trying to follow plan A since. I do love her, despite all of the problems and want to stick to my vows. I believe she is suffering from a sickness, and want her to get better. I have been working on a Plan B, but it is tricky since she is the sole bread winner. I do have a small fund if I need to move out though. She has been reading directly from the WW script. Lying, secrets, blaming me, etc... W e did try marriage counselling initially, which backfired due to A fog. She has been seeing the counselor on her own though. This Friday I was set on moving out, on my way out the door to find a place. She talked me out of it and left to stay at her mom's because she "needs to miss me," and "doesn't know what she wants." She doesn't want me to sign a 6 month lease and waste money. That's cool. I pulled the 180. Trying to reinforce her good actions, ignore the traps and start moving forward with my life. I'm not going to wait on her forever, but dang it's hard!!!
So today we went to another marriage therapist. Counselor started slow, getting mostly info about our relationship history, and we didn't get into the current situation yet. Basically discussed our different reasoning/communication styles (I'm analytical/confronter, she's an emotional rug sweeper), but we both left feeling like we have a lot still on our chests. Problem is, WW shut down immediately. She told me that she has officially ended A with OM (3rd time she has told me this), but she doesn't want to talk to me about it because "she can't communicate with me right now." (angry about the session) She is headed back to her mom's and still "doesn't know what she wants." I just said "Ok, hope this is helping," rubbed her shoulder and walked to my car when she told me that.
My take: She really does want to R but she still has feelings for OM, and is having a hard time ending A. I do believe she has been trying, but keeps relapsing. She is angry and upset that the therapy sessions do not support her blaming me for the A, and is not ready to accept responsibility.
What do you all think? What's my next step? I have been trying to stay busy, have not been reaching out to her, not asking her what she's up to, but I don't want to push her away. I do reply to her texts, but just keep it short and simple. Still tell her "I love you too." Anything I SHOULD say to her right now? We aren't scheduled for another session for another week. What do I do in the mean time? Thanks!!!
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