Hi all,
I've been a lurker for quite some time, but only just posting. Here goes...
I don't think my marriage is in trouble, but I don't want to be in a situation where it falls apart.
My husband and I got together when I was 21 and he was 27 and have been together for 10 years and married for 7 1/2 years. As usual, the dating stage was all exciting. There were a few hiccups from the beginning though. Whenever we had a disagreement about something, it ended up that I was accused of not showing him that I loved him. I don't think that was the case. I gave up spending time with my friends to see him every day. That's right,he would come and see me after he got home from work and I got home from uni. I'm not complaining about that as my day wouldn't be complete without seeing him. One more thing that bugged me in the beginning of the relationship was that he quite often said 'she's really pretty' about other girls like mates' girlfriends etc to describe them before I met them. I'll be honest, I do have low self esteem/confidence. This existed slightly before the relationship and him commenting about those girls brought it out in me a lot more. I know it's ok t o say a person of the opposite sex is good looking, but people with low self esteem don't want to hear it too often. Anyways fast forward a couple of years and we're married.
Married life was fun. Initially I was missing my parents too much and so we'd go there after coming back from work everyday. Then, we used to rush home after work and cook together, shower together in the morning etc what typical married couples do and it was nice. We used to buy each other cards/gifts for special occasion and he used to buy me flowers for occasions and I loved that appreciation. 6 months into the marriage, I got pregnant with terrible morning sickness. It was really bad in the first couple of months, I could not eat at all, kept being sick and lost so much weight and obviously in that period we couldn't get physical. In that time, I saw in the YouTube history that someone had looked at some stuff that were inappropriate to me. Nothing full on like nudity but I wasn't pleased about it and when I asked him,he denied it completely. I decided to let it go, but it kind of pushed my self esteem further down. When I was about 5 months pregnant, we were standing at a bus stop outside a shop. I kept looking at my hubby to see if he would look at me or pay attention to me. He wasn't. All of a sudden, a lady inside a car talked to us. She said to him 'you've got a beautiful pricess standing right there and you're looking everywhere but her, you've got to keep the flame going'. I thought that was so sweet of her to say that! And it kind of stuck with me. My husband is very caring and kind, but I've always felt that he doesn't pay me enough attention. If you ask him, he would say the same about me. It's unfortunate that we both have low self esteem and crave that attention from each other. Thinking about it now, I guess I should give him more attention as well.
When baby 1 is born, it was all about the baby, no time for hubby. Within a couple of months came one episode of 'you don't show me that you love me'. Wish husbands would be a little more understanding when the wife has a baby. Anyways, I organised a romantic meal for us at home to try and make him feel better. After marriage, whenever I wanted to and did go and stay over at my mums for a few days, there was always the argument from the hubby, making me feel guilty every time. That didn't stop me though, it was only like 2 days every so often. He was quite possessive then and I must say, I was very disappointed with him for behaving like that. Likewise, I was funny about him going out with his mates (they get up to no good anyway!) and he hardly went out. Both of us were wrong for trying to control the other person. We've changed now in that sense for the better.
A year after my child was born, I got pregnant with twins. Having 3 babies under the age of two meant it was extremely hectic for me. I would say after the first year of marriage, all the special day cards/flowers stopped (birthdays excepted but no flowers) Whenever it was a special occasion, I would go downstairs hoping to find a bunch of flowers like the beginning days, only to be deeply saddened. I never show my disappointment but I definitely feel it especially when I see other men spoiling their ladies. As for conversations, we don't talk as much as I want us to. I wants to be able to talk freely about anything and everything but I don't feel that we do. We probably get physical once or twice a week and I'm sure that's not enough for him but I'm too knackered at night and it's impossible during the day. Going on that point, about a year ago, when I went to bed earlier,he would stay up late at night. I found out that he was watching those tv programs about sex, not porn, programs like guide to sex etc. it must have been about 5 times. I was broken. Even in between those days, we were doing it and he went on to watch it the following day (it may not be classified as porn, but showing two people having sex is porn in my opinion) I didn't let on that I knew and one day, I was downstairs crying after he went up to bed. He came down and I told him I knew. He was in tears too and promised me that he just watched it to learn more as he felt that I wasn't more interested in making love. I decided to let that go but it definitely didn't do my esteem any favours. It's made me question how much trust I have in him. I may forgive, but I don't forget. He's forgotten about that incident! Now myself and the children are in another country while he finishes off stuff in the country we were at before he joins us here. Yes it did cross my mind, what might he be watching over there? I know 100% my hubby would never ever cheat on me with another person. But I a m so dead against porn/nudity etc. if I ever find out that he watched porn, it would kill me.
I have to mention that my husband has a go at me quite a lot to the extent that even my 6 years old comments that daddy shouts at mummy a lot. It's about little things. He once said to me that I come across as thick sometimes. (P.s I was in a professional field but stopped working when my first child was born, plan to work after my youngest two start full time school) he sometimes says to me 'what do you do right?' I've heard so many negative comments from him that far outweighs any positive comments he may make. Once after an argument, he told me he didn't want to be with me (he may have had a hangover then) that hurt when he said it, but I knew he didn't mean it. We hugged each other after that butt there was no official sorry or anything. But it did make me think what if he means it next time. My husband is not abad person, not at all. He hates cruelty, donates blood, very helpful to everyone and is a nice guy in general, so please don't make assumptions and say anything bad about him because that would hurt me.
One thing I really struggle to understand is when I ask him what he loves about me (I really want to know as I feel like a crappy wife), he can't answer me. He just says 'you know I love you, I love you more than you love me, I know that for a fact'. It saddens me. I don't know what he loves about me.
Your input or advice would be much appreciated. I want everything to be positive. I want to feel appreciated. I don't ever want for our marriage to break down. Right now, there aren't really any problems but things could be better
I've been a lurker for quite some time, but only just posting. Here goes...
I don't think my marriage is in trouble, but I don't want to be in a situation where it falls apart.
My husband and I got together when I was 21 and he was 27 and have been together for 10 years and married for 7 1/2 years. As usual, the dating stage was all exciting. There were a few hiccups from the beginning though. Whenever we had a disagreement about something, it ended up that I was accused of not showing him that I loved him. I don't think that was the case. I gave up spending time with my friends to see him every day. That's right,he would come and see me after he got home from work and I got home from uni. I'm not complaining about that as my day wouldn't be complete without seeing him. One more thing that bugged me in the beginning of the relationship was that he quite often said 'she's really pretty' about other girls like mates' girlfriends etc to describe them before I met them. I'll be honest, I do have low self esteem/confidence. This existed slightly before the relationship and him commenting about those girls brought it out in me a lot more. I know it's ok t o say a person of the opposite sex is good looking, but people with low self esteem don't want to hear it too often. Anyways fast forward a couple of years and we're married.
Married life was fun. Initially I was missing my parents too much and so we'd go there after coming back from work everyday. Then, we used to rush home after work and cook together, shower together in the morning etc what typical married couples do and it was nice. We used to buy each other cards/gifts for special occasion and he used to buy me flowers for occasions and I loved that appreciation. 6 months into the marriage, I got pregnant with terrible morning sickness. It was really bad in the first couple of months, I could not eat at all, kept being sick and lost so much weight and obviously in that period we couldn't get physical. In that time, I saw in the YouTube history that someone had looked at some stuff that were inappropriate to me. Nothing full on like nudity but I wasn't pleased about it and when I asked him,he denied it completely. I decided to let it go, but it kind of pushed my self esteem further down. When I was about 5 months pregnant, we were standing at a bus stop outside a shop. I kept looking at my hubby to see if he would look at me or pay attention to me. He wasn't. All of a sudden, a lady inside a car talked to us. She said to him 'you've got a beautiful pricess standing right there and you're looking everywhere but her, you've got to keep the flame going'. I thought that was so sweet of her to say that! And it kind of stuck with me. My husband is very caring and kind, but I've always felt that he doesn't pay me enough attention. If you ask him, he would say the same about me. It's unfortunate that we both have low self esteem and crave that attention from each other. Thinking about it now, I guess I should give him more attention as well.
When baby 1 is born, it was all about the baby, no time for hubby. Within a couple of months came one episode of 'you don't show me that you love me'. Wish husbands would be a little more understanding when the wife has a baby. Anyways, I organised a romantic meal for us at home to try and make him feel better. After marriage, whenever I wanted to and did go and stay over at my mums for a few days, there was always the argument from the hubby, making me feel guilty every time. That didn't stop me though, it was only like 2 days every so often. He was quite possessive then and I must say, I was very disappointed with him for behaving like that. Likewise, I was funny about him going out with his mates (they get up to no good anyway!) and he hardly went out. Both of us were wrong for trying to control the other person. We've changed now in that sense for the better.
A year after my child was born, I got pregnant with twins. Having 3 babies under the age of two meant it was extremely hectic for me. I would say after the first year of marriage, all the special day cards/flowers stopped (birthdays excepted but no flowers) Whenever it was a special occasion, I would go downstairs hoping to find a bunch of flowers like the beginning days, only to be deeply saddened. I never show my disappointment but I definitely feel it especially when I see other men spoiling their ladies. As for conversations, we don't talk as much as I want us to. I wants to be able to talk freely about anything and everything but I don't feel that we do. We probably get physical once or twice a week and I'm sure that's not enough for him but I'm too knackered at night and it's impossible during the day. Going on that point, about a year ago, when I went to bed earlier,he would stay up late at night. I found out that he was watching those tv programs about sex, not porn, programs like guide to sex etc. it must have been about 5 times. I was broken. Even in between those days, we were doing it and he went on to watch it the following day (it may not be classified as porn, but showing two people having sex is porn in my opinion) I didn't let on that I knew and one day, I was downstairs crying after he went up to bed. He came down and I told him I knew. He was in tears too and promised me that he just watched it to learn more as he felt that I wasn't more interested in making love. I decided to let that go but it definitely didn't do my esteem any favours. It's made me question how much trust I have in him. I may forgive, but I don't forget. He's forgotten about that incident! Now myself and the children are in another country while he finishes off stuff in the country we were at before he joins us here. Yes it did cross my mind, what might he be watching over there? I know 100% my hubby would never ever cheat on me with another person. But I a m so dead against porn/nudity etc. if I ever find out that he watched porn, it would kill me.
I have to mention that my husband has a go at me quite a lot to the extent that even my 6 years old comments that daddy shouts at mummy a lot. It's about little things. He once said to me that I come across as thick sometimes. (P.s I was in a professional field but stopped working when my first child was born, plan to work after my youngest two start full time school) he sometimes says to me 'what do you do right?' I've heard so many negative comments from him that far outweighs any positive comments he may make. Once after an argument, he told me he didn't want to be with me (he may have had a hangover then) that hurt when he said it, but I knew he didn't mean it. We hugged each other after that butt there was no official sorry or anything. But it did make me think what if he means it next time. My husband is not abad person, not at all. He hates cruelty, donates blood, very helpful to everyone and is a nice guy in general, so please don't make assumptions and say anything bad about him because that would hurt me.
One thing I really struggle to understand is when I ask him what he loves about me (I really want to know as I feel like a crappy wife), he can't answer me. He just says 'you know I love you, I love you more than you love me, I know that for a fact'. It saddens me. I don't know what he loves about me.
Your input or advice would be much appreciated. I want everything to be positive. I want to feel appreciated. I don't ever want for our marriage to break down. Right now, there aren't really any problems but things could be better
Put the internet to work for you.
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