Hello all,
I'm new and realize it's kind of rude to just start off by asking for advice, but I'm desperate so I hope you'll forgive me.
As my username hints I'm a 43 y/o woman, married just over ten years together for 13. We raised my daughter from a previous relationship together though she is grown and gone from home now.
My DH is a 'good man.' He doesn't drink, doesn't hurt me, he's reliable in terms of sticking to a daily routine & helping with chores. He lost his job 6 months ago after doing some job hopping for a few years before that. He was looking for a change, seemed to be restless, and I think that's when our troubles really started.
Right now he works on contracts he can scrounge up and we both work from home. It's a lot of time to be together and I told him ages ago that alone time is very important to me, so perhaps that is adding to the tension.
At this point there is just no common ground / passion between us and we seem to be heading nowhere - he has ZERO ambition. I ask him what his ideal life would look like, or just an ideal DAY, but he literally has no answer. None at all. I have begged him to understand that I can no longer just do work, eat supper and watch t.v. every single day. I can't do it any more!
He always says he hears me and feels ashamed that that's all we do but nothing changes. I try and come up with things to do but even though he will be there in physical form he has no joy in anything. It's like lugging around a 200 lb hunk of clay with me.
No sex life whatsoever. I've brought this up in every way possible and nothing changes. Our best days are when he's feeling slightly silly and he'll make up funny songs while we're doing dishes and that sort of thing. That's about as fun as it gets around here and it's been like this for honestly 5 or 6 years.
I've done everything I can do to bring back his sense of joy, but without any communication / info directly from him it's just blind guessing on my part. I've gotten us out of our labour intensive home (repairs/yard work) and into a condo so that he'd have more free time but that hasn't helped, in fact it just makes me sad not to have a yard, etc. the worst part is that I used to be able to take care of those things but I've got a back injury and it's tough for me to do anything physical. Then he tells me he misses having more space for us outdoors and he'd 'love to give that to me again' but I know he would resent the work so what is the point?
I try and take care of all the bills, organizing, calling repair people, insurance companies, banks, family stuff so that he doesn't have to think about it. I am on the verge of having to do his taxes for him because I can't even motivate him to do that this year. (because he is self employed now I think it scares him but still it HAS to be done)
I have asked him if he's depressed. I have asked him if he'll talk to someone. All denied.
This is all over the place I know but I literally don't get ANY privacy anymore so I am rushing. Now that we live in this condo and my own office is in the dining room area I'm kind of always under his eyes. And he never ever ever ever goes out. No friends, no interests, barely will go pick up milk if we need it unless he's feeling super motivated that day.
any thoughts? I'm thinking of going back to school for something that pays a little better than I make and getting a tiny apartment for myself. I just want to be free and not feel like I'm trapped in this go-nowhere depressing world with someone who doesn't even touch me anymore and can't be bothered to even be honest with me.
I'm new and realize it's kind of rude to just start off by asking for advice, but I'm desperate so I hope you'll forgive me.
As my username hints I'm a 43 y/o woman, married just over ten years together for 13. We raised my daughter from a previous relationship together though she is grown and gone from home now.
My DH is a 'good man.' He doesn't drink, doesn't hurt me, he's reliable in terms of sticking to a daily routine & helping with chores. He lost his job 6 months ago after doing some job hopping for a few years before that. He was looking for a change, seemed to be restless, and I think that's when our troubles really started.
Right now he works on contracts he can scrounge up and we both work from home. It's a lot of time to be together and I told him ages ago that alone time is very important to me, so perhaps that is adding to the tension.
At this point there is just no common ground / passion between us and we seem to be heading nowhere - he has ZERO ambition. I ask him what his ideal life would look like, or just an ideal DAY, but he literally has no answer. None at all. I have begged him to understand that I can no longer just do work, eat supper and watch t.v. every single day. I can't do it any more!
He always says he hears me and feels ashamed that that's all we do but nothing changes. I try and come up with things to do but even though he will be there in physical form he has no joy in anything. It's like lugging around a 200 lb hunk of clay with me.
No sex life whatsoever. I've brought this up in every way possible and nothing changes. Our best days are when he's feeling slightly silly and he'll make up funny songs while we're doing dishes and that sort of thing. That's about as fun as it gets around here and it's been like this for honestly 5 or 6 years.
I've done everything I can do to bring back his sense of joy, but without any communication / info directly from him it's just blind guessing on my part. I've gotten us out of our labour intensive home (repairs/yard work) and into a condo so that he'd have more free time but that hasn't helped, in fact it just makes me sad not to have a yard, etc. the worst part is that I used to be able to take care of those things but I've got a back injury and it's tough for me to do anything physical. Then he tells me he misses having more space for us outdoors and he'd 'love to give that to me again' but I know he would resent the work so what is the point?
I try and take care of all the bills, organizing, calling repair people, insurance companies, banks, family stuff so that he doesn't have to think about it. I am on the verge of having to do his taxes for him because I can't even motivate him to do that this year. (because he is self employed now I think it scares him but still it HAS to be done)
I have asked him if he's depressed. I have asked him if he'll talk to someone. All denied.
This is all over the place I know but I literally don't get ANY privacy anymore so I am rushing. Now that we live in this condo and my own office is in the dining room area I'm kind of always under his eyes. And he never ever ever ever goes out. No friends, no interests, barely will go pick up milk if we need it unless he's feeling super motivated that day.
any thoughts? I'm thinking of going back to school for something that pays a little better than I make and getting a tiny apartment for myself. I just want to be free and not feel like I'm trapped in this go-nowhere depressing world with someone who doesn't even touch me anymore and can't be bothered to even be honest with me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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